I don't remember getting up but I am in his living room now. I pull a worn tartan blanket from its place by the TV and curl up on the red chair, fetal position. Like a cub in a nest.
I pull my knees up and tuck my chin in, as small as I can be. I feel the warmth envelop me and his scent surround me. I close my eyes and imagine it is him hugging me, pulling me close and telling me that everything will be alright in the end.
I wake up to a knock and am disorientated. Dried tears line my cheeks and dried blood, my knees. The door. That was the door. I run. Gramps, Gramps. I'm coming.
It's not him. My mouth gapes, a silent scream echoing from it. It's mum. Why is she here?
"I, I thought. I thought you were him." I let out, my voice cracking.
"Ohh darling." She closes the space between us and wraps her arms around me.
"I'm here." She strokes my hair and pulls me closer. "I'm sorry."
We stay there for quite a while, until she takes my hand and leads me from the house. The frozen house. The empty house.
************
We get home, it is dusk now. The sun has left us and a chill settles beneath my skin. Mum tries to explain, he had been hurting for a while. He had been in pain for so long but he hid it so well. I should have noticed. He had something called Leesch-Nyhan Syndrome. It caused his arthritis. It caused him pain. She explains more but my mind is wandering, why didn't he tell me? Time blurs. I sit. I just sit. I hear the clock ticking. I want it to stop. Mum leaves after a while but I don't hear her excuse, I don't know how long it has been since she left. Numb. I can't feel. I don't want to feel because I don't know if I could stop falling once I start. I don't want to move. Moving would mean time continues. And then there would be more loss. More time without him. More pain. I want it to stop. For everything to stop.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Stop.
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Joining the Dots
Ficção Geral"Life doesn't come gently, it hits you all at once. A tsunami of events." "Anxiety makes being a musician hard. Anxiety makes life hard. My passion, my dreams seem so far away. I could touch it all once, but once is distant now." "I want to be happy...
