effervescent | m. hummels & r. lewandowski

[ chapter twelve ]

"Oh my hair smells like chocolate." —Chocolate by The 1975

His words echoed in my ears, maybe I didn't hear him right or maybe I did, considering the tension in the air and the frantic look on his face. My hands left his and I found myself standing up, "What? Mar— marry you? Is this a joke?" My voice broke and tears accumulated in my eyes.

Was it this simple to him? Use me for his sexual desires and then further by joking about something as big as marriage?

"This isn't a joke, Ara." Mats seethed, his teeth clenched. He walked further up to me, holding my face in his hands. "I really do mean this, Ara. I can't imagine my life without you and Clara."

I looked him in the eyes, exposed and vulnerable.

"Mats, I... can't do this, no." My voice finally returned to me after five minutes of complete silence. I stepped away from him, suddenly feeling too insecure and confused for my own good. "I have a family."

Mats mocked a laugh at me on that, I saw him clench onto his stomach as he laughed into oblivion, tears accumulating in his eyes due to so much laughing. "Oh my god, dear sweet Ara, what family are you talking about? A husband who fucks other women to satisfy himself? Who doesn't give two shits about your well being? The same husband who not only physically but also sexually abuses you? Is that the husband you're talking about, my love?"

Horror enveloped me in a second, I don't recall telling him about Robert sexually abusing me. "How do you know that?" I croak, my tears dripping to my cheeks, making them red and flaming hot all of a sudden.

Mats visibly softened, his warm brown eyes did too, at seeing my crying and pathetic self. He put a hand under my chin and lifted it to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry to be so harsh, baby. I shouldn't have done it." He kisses my cheek and I let him, I wasn't lying when I said that I loved him with every fibre of my being—I truly did, with all my heart.

"How do you know all this?" I persisted, moving away from him, not missing his heavy sigh when I did so.

"Ara— please don't make me say I—"

"Mats, tell me. How did you know this?" My eyes burned, fear, agony and rage, many things rushed in my mind at that very moment.

Mats put his two fingers to the bridge of his nose, sighing more than one normally would. His eyes danced everywhere in the room except for on me. "Can't you see?"

He stepped closer to me, caressing  my face in his warm hands, "I am fucking obsessed with you, I know everything about you, what you do everyday, what you will do the next day, your everyday routine, all about you." He pants against my neck.

I don't remember him getting so close to me all of a sudden.

"I am a fucking pathetic stalker for you only, I am obsessed with you, everything about you, I was bound to know all this, maybe not today but tomorrow. How long could you have hidden such a big thing from me?" Mats cups my face in his palms, and for the first time in forever, I actually feel scared of his presence by my side.

The fact that he had creeped up on me like he did made my heart race, nearly pounding out of my rib cage. Just to think that whatever I had done since the time I met Mats, was actually known to me made my skin crawl.

Every time I showered, he was there, seeing me like a hawk. Every time I went out with Clara, he was there, maybe not him by himself but someone else, reporting all of my actions to him.

Every time Robert made me a victim of his bad mood, he was there, all this time, he knew all along, all fucking along.

And he still didn't leave me.

"Mats," I croaked with a heavy heart, I pushed his hand off my cheek and took two steps back. Maybe this all was a mistake after all. "I need you to leave." His eyes widened slightly at my words. In response, he only walked forward to me and looked at me in the eye, tugging my chin up to meet me at eye level.

"I'm not leaving you." He spoke, calmly as ever, like not all he had said had any effect of him. "I already told you, Arabella, I am fucking obsessed with you. A moment without you is like constant stabs to my heart, just reminding me how much I want to be by your side every time I see you,"

"He doesn't deserve you, Ara. And you bloody well know that too." He added, a humourless laugh spilling out of his mouth. "How can someone so cruel deserve someone so beautiful and pure like you?"

"Mats, don't make me say it ag—" before I could finish my sentence, he had smashed me against the wall of the room, pinning my arms above my head, warm brown eyes, now fierce, staring right into me. "Where's this sudden attitude coming from?" He calmly spoke, kissing my exposed neck.

The thing was, he knew exactly all my weakness, the sweet spot that would make me numb of his touch, small gestures like sliding my hair behind my ear, kissing the spot where my shoulder met my neck—he knew them all, and didn't fail to show me that, shutting me up.

"Mats, I—" he kissed me, slowly, torturously— a complete bliss and at the same time, a burning hell. My fingers tangle in his hair and I feel him moving down to my chest. He kisses me again, my skin tingling with every wet kiss he left on my body.

"And you say that you want me to leave, despite the fact how much your body responds to me." He murmurs against my skin. It wasn't until I pulled his face up to me and kissed him again, I pressed me forehead against his own, trying to calm down my frantic breathing. "Marry me, Ara. I want to end your suffering."

I bit my lip, "Mats, I don't know..."

"Just promise me you'll think about it, my proposal." At that, I nod my head involuntarily. "I love you so much, but if you say no, fine, I won't push you, but I won't be in your life after that."

"What?" I ask startled. "Why not?"

"You really don't expect us to become best friend after all that fucking and I love you's now, do you?" He chuckled humourlessly, making my insides clutch.

"I love you." He told me.

I don't remember saying it back to him for the first time.