Mingkit ~ A sudden rainy night

Chapter 12. How stupid...

I am laying on my bed, looking out the window. The colours of the sunset make me want to be somewhere else, in peace with myself, without having to think about what to do with the two people who I cared a lot about. However, I'm right here and I have to take a fucking decision.

My phone suddenly vibrates and the screen lights up. It's a message from Beauty.

"I'm coming back home. I will probably arrive late so I'll go straight to my dorm. See you tomorrow to eat breakfast together?"

"Sure. I'm sad we can't meet later, but I understand that you're gonna be tired. Drive safely and text me when you get at your dorm!"

I can't believe a week has already gone by. I haven't seen Ming since I walked away from his room. I haven't been to his faculty and he hasn't been to mine. I somehow feel sad about that, because when you can't get to see someone you usually see every day, it's like something is missing but I can't complain. It's what I asked for, right? On the other hand, there's Beauty who is going to come back today and while she was away, we didn't text a lot. I had to study and she was busy with her family.

I had enough time to think about myself. About my love life. That kiss really got me confused more than I was before. I like him, well I can say that I like him a lot. I like everything about him, his magnetic eyes, his soft lips, his manners, how he knows me so well and how he makes me feel the centre of his world. However, there's still something about him that makes me think he doesn't really love me. I know he's a stubborn guy who doesn't stop at anything until he gets what he wants. What if he took me as a challenge? Like he won't stop flirting with me until I say yes and then he will throw me away like I'm some kind of toy he grew bored of? I'm mostly afraid of that. I also have seen his relationship with Moonwan. They were together for more than a year, then he left her because he liked someone else. They're friends now but she still thinks she has chances with him because they still talk every day. What if he does the same thing with me? I don't want to suffer like I already did in the past. I had a lot of trust issues since then and at first, I didn't even want to get out of my house. If I got over it, it's because of Phana and Beam. Now they have a relationship too, so will they stay by my side if something like that happens again? No, because they have boyfriends to take care of. I would just bother them and maybe I will be left alone. I can't deal with loneliness at all. So if I decide to be with Ming, I will always be insecure about his feelings for me, I would doubt every action of his. With Beauty, it would be easier. I know that if I break up with her now I won't be better than Ming, I will make her suffer in a moment where she needs support from her boyfriend because she's certainly worried about her granny's health and if I leave her I could worsen the situation. Her family knows already about me too, she was so enthusiastic about the fact that they wanted to meet me as soon as possible. Moreover, she likes me and won't leave me. Maybe if I stay with Beauty, I can grow fond of her with time. I'll get used to her habit of going out every day even if we do nothing but go watch a movie or go for a walk.

Before I knew, I had already taken a decision. I know it's dumb and it sounds stupid but I don't like taking risks. Even though I like Ming, I don't want to risk being heartbroken, I'd rather stay with Beauty with whom I already spent almost three months of my life. I can learn how to love her as a woman and not as a friend as I was been doing until now. I can be a better man and boyfriend for her. I know it, I'm confident. As times goes by, I will be happy together with her and her family. With Ming, nothing is certain and it would be like walking in the dark, not knowing where to step. Yeah, it's better to keep things as they are now. I just have to talk to the both of them, being honest with Beauty about the kiss and tell her that it didn't mean anything and I want to stay with her. I will talk to her first and I have to do it tonight before I lose the confidence.