Mingkit ~ A sudden rainy night

Epilogue. The first time

I am at the park after the sunset, walking without really knowing where to go. I don't know when I started walking and when I'll stop, I just know that I need that soft breeze, the background noises and Bangkok's night lights.

There are a lot of different people at the park: circles of friends that order at the take out and eat while sitting on the grass; people who play tennis or soccer; couples who walk together; people who sit alone to watch the others. I belong to the last class. When I'm sad, a little bit depressed or I feel confused about something I like coming here to observe other people. I like to wonder how many of them are really happy. What if they're like me? They pretend to be happy, to smile, to be fine but on the inside, they're suffering and they pray to be saved by someone. It's somehow easy to recognise those who are like this: they smile, a lot, even for the stupid little things. They need to smile and laugh for the others' sake and to convince themselves that they're fine. If the ones who stand before us believe that we're okay, maybe someday we can believe that we're happy too, right?

Why can't we have something or someone who can give us life and makes us go on?

I stop walking for a while and I stare at nothing but it somehow triggers some memories. I still remember the day I walked away from home to come to Bangkok. I felt so suffocated in that house that all I could think about was the day I would've left. I know, usually, people are the most comfortable when they're home with their families but not me. I was not okay. I just felt like I was another problem for my family, one big disappointment. I thought I was a disappointment even for my friends. They didn't really need me by their side. They were doing just fine even when I was locked in my room, alone with my monsters. Nobody noticed how I really was feeling; how the bright person they knew before who truly liked to smile was broke in thousand pieces. I was (and I am) a wrecked mess. I thought that leaving was the best for me but sometimes guilt haunts me and I'm suddenly sad.

Today is one of those days when sadness gains the upper hand over me, one of those days when I start thinking if it's worth living a life like this. Actually, this is not called living, this is surviving. Surviving while waiting for a change that maybe will never come. I spend my nights without sleeping and asking myself if something is really going to happen; if my existence is really going to make sense. However, I'm too coward to put an end to my life. Even in the afterlife (if it really exists) I would live with a sense of guilt due to the suffering I caused to my family and due to the regret of not waiting until the end and lived until something really happened. I feel like I'm stuck in a limbo, I'm in a loop from which I won't easily escape: I'm beaten down by an unexplainable will of living, loving, laughing, being happy, remembering the good times but at the same time I'm sad, insecure, alone. I'm getting used to loneliness, in the end, it's not so bad once you get used to it. No one judges you, no one to pretend for, you can be just yourself. In the end, aren't we all like this? When we're in our place, in our safe world, don't we all put off the mask we wear to please others? Aren't we all alone?

I keep walking until I find the best place to observe everything and everyone. As soon as I sit on the grass, I put my earphones and hit the play button to make my favourite playlist start. It's a playlist full of sad songs who get well with my mood and that make me feel like I'm not alone. Writing these songs, with these words means that somewhere out there there's someone who understands me, that knows what I feel. Unfortunately, I will never talk to this person; we will never confront each other on these common things we feel; I will never receive a hug, a sweet and reassuring word or just a smile to make my day. The more I think about these things, the more my heart sinks and I can't help but feel the tears leaving my eyes. I start crying.

The good thing of this kind of places is that people around you don't really pay attention, so even if you start crying they don't notice it and if they do, they understand and leave you alone. Maybe they're next to you not physically, they leave you to your own suffering because you, at least, had the courage of letting everything go and show you're sadness and frustration.

Tears keep falling almost following the slow beat of the song you're listening to and who's just perfect for that moment. It's the first time I crack in front of the entire world and not in my small world. This is what scares me the most because it means that I'm becoming weaker and weaker. Will this end someday?

As I was crying, legs to my chest and head on my knees, I feel someone putting a hand on my shoulder. That hand, even if I didn't know who belonged to, was the change I was looking for, a hand that I thought it soon would've become the anchor to this world and that would've saved me.

I turn to see who the stranger who's comforting me is. It's a guy, dressed in a total black outfit (black ripped jeans and a black hoodie). I can't see his face because he has his hood on and a mask that covers half of his face. It's as if he doesn't want to be seen by other people, as if he wanted to become one with the darkness. He sits next to me and with a sweet voice he tells me that I can talk to him, I can tell him all my the things bothering me. I look him in the eyes and I don't know why but I do talk. I decide to trust him, maybe it's because he's the first one to say that to me, maybe we met because of fate which brought the both of us to be here at this exact moment.

When I finish venting and crying, he starts telling me his own suffering and experiences while looking at the horizon. Our situations are quite different but we have something in common: we're both looking for the same kind of comfort, the same kind of person ready to save us from the mess we are. Without even realising, we start talking about how often we come here to the park, how comfortable we are here, we talk about a lot of things that I can't even remember. We were so into our talk that we don't even notice that night is going by and people are gradually leaving the park. We don't really talk about our personal life, we don't even ask each other for our names and when it's time to go back home we bid our goodbye with the promise to meet the day after at the exact same spot: the place where we met, the place where for the first time we weren't alone but we found someone with whom it was easy being ourselves.

The days go by and that stranger and I meet every day at the same place, we talk about our days and laugh together. I can't even remember when it was the last time that I laughed like this with someone. Being with him was something that felt familiar but I can't explain. It's like he was someone I knew for ages; he felt like home. What if we met in a past life? No, ok that's stupid but if it's not that, I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm going mad as I try to think how does he look like. He still didn't show his face and I didn't care because I felt that he would do it when he felt comfortable enough. So all I can do is imagining the shape of his lips and nose, how he looked when he scrunched his nose while laughing, how his smile looked like.

That night, something changed. He didn't come and he didn't come the nights after too.

See? I was right. I was stupid to think that he could save me. In the end, everyone eventually leaves me alone.

Little he knew that this person was really destined to save him but not at that time. Neither Ming nor Kit remember this episode and if they do, they just don't remember the face of the person they used to talk to when they needed it the most. However here they are now. Both had to experience and feel a lot more before finding each other after almost losing the love and the happiness they've been wishing for.