The heart that you made numb

Chapter 4: Why must we fight?

A heart is not meant to beat forever. At least physically we are sure. One day someone's talking to you, the next he/she is no longer breathing, lying cold in a casket like he/she never existed. What about emotionally?  I think we are sure too, we just don't want to accept it because the reality is hurting. I never have been keen in this relationship stuff. To be fair, I'm only sixteen, I think I'm keen enough for my age. Still, I know people who have dated for over seven years and they are fifteen. Maybe we find ourselves at different times. I think this was mine with Amanda.

There are lots of myths in relationships, for example if you date a girl older than you, the relationship will fail. Another one is no long distance relationship lasts unless you are in high school, that's proven, take my word for it. There's this one, that dating a shorter girl than you, the chances of your relationship being successful are high. All these are bullshit to me. I believe in that mutual feeling of two people which results to an understanding. You don't try too hard but you find that you are always in tune. That's love. Mutual respect and understanding. I know you all feel me. All these myths I hate but the one that I hate most is that a couple must fight to prove you love each other. I don't know about all of you, but fighting kills me too much. I really feel it. I was raised by a single mum so fighting was just in action movies.

"Good morning," I texted after I woke up with my mobile data on and almost twenty texts from  Amanda. They were in this order:

"You know I can do anything for you babe"

"Babe why are you quiet?"

"Have I said anything wrong?"

"If so I'm sorry"

"Please talk to me love," this was accompanied by crying emojis.

"Leroy!"

"Why you doing this to me?"

"Leroy!"

"Nkt! If you don't wanna talk to me then goodnight."

All these were sent in a span of ten minutes. This was not fair. Why couldn't she just guess that I was asleep? I mean, I've never ignored her before. Why would I begin just now? I can't blame her though. I always reply to her text immediately they come in. That was our love, toxic, we only spoke to each other. No! I can't make excuses for her you know. I never wanted to sleep, I had no choice.

She left my "good morning" message on read. No no, I sensed she was going to make this hard for me. We had never fought for the month that we were together. Fighting makes me so scared. I don't know if you understand which type of scared. I always feel like I've already lost a girl, whenever we fight but I never apologize. On Amanda, it was different. I felt like she is gone already and I wasn't ready to let my ego be an excuse of losing her.

"Come on babe." I sent another text. For the last month, the times that I've used that name babe is countless. Not putting it in a statement is very suspicious. Your partner might think you are falling out of love. You can't do anything physical on the phone so you have to be sweet. Apparently, calling someone babe was considered very sweet. Welcome to high school relationships.

She left that text on read too. What did she want me to do honestly. I wasn't quitting even though I was losing my cool so the room was getting hotter. If she didn't want me no more she could just say it. I was losing this, losing her.

"Babe, I slept off, it was not my fault."
That one was read too. I was waiting for her to type but nothing came up. No, it was not my internet, it was her ignoring me. Tit for tat. Ignore me, I ignore you. Though she's ignoring me when I didn't ignore her. She's supposed to sleep off because that was my mistake, sleeping off. If there was a punishment, it was for her to sleep off, that was fair.

I even don't believe in pay back at all. I  believe that if you love each other and someone does wrong you forgive them even before they apologize. Crazy right? No, perfectly normal. When you love someone and you believe he/she loves you too then you will know that it wasn't their intention to do you bad. Why go through all the formalities of apologizing if you know that person can't do you wrong even if the sky fell down? That's word to Chris Brown and Justin Bieber.

Now there's only one thing left to do. I'm tired already, fade up. Let me just go ahead and say it and get it done with.

"I am sorry babe, won't happen again," now I just wait. Whatever happens let it happen.
She read it and started typing. For some reason I was afraid of what she was typing. She typed for long, she was still typing. Men, this was the time I'm going to be single. It can't be too hard. Jayme survives and he's never had a girl. I shall survive and to add to that I still got game. Yes, I got this!!

"Was that so hard?" her text finally came in. Really now? That's what she was typing for that long. I was already moving on. No, I wasn't. That was just me consoling myself.

"So we good babe?"

"Yeah, how can we not be good. If we aren't good then we are the best, see what I did there?" She knew that I loved wordplay and brought it at the right time. Like that we forgot about the fight, putting it behind us. A little fear passed inside of me. We have been together for a month and just the thought of leaving her was killing me.It is unsaid but the strength of a relationship is tested after the first fight. How would we kids know this? We just lived in the moment.

"I saw that, that is a good one, I've missed you through the night."

"Well I didn't."

"Okay."

"It's because I am always with you in my dreams every night," that was just a lie, didn't take a genius to figure out. Such things you ignore because of love. I'm not the type to ignore stuff, what is wrong with me? What have I gotten myself into? I tried so hard but I could not. It was obvious her words pierced right through me.

"Nice save sweetheart. In your dreams what do we do?" Let me see how creative she can get. Lying to me like am a child.

"It's just you and I alone. The world is ours and everything in it. We live together without any vice. Without getting worried of what tomorrow brings. Living off our kisses and caresses. Not worrying about a home because your chest gives me exactly that. I wish we could live in that dream," Damn! She really creative. I still felt she was lying. Can one fight do this to lovers? I led her on.

"What about family babe?"

"You are my family Leroy," that was really smooth. This girl trying to kill me or something.

"That's sweet, you are mine too. With you I feel confident. I believe that's family. The people who make you feel comfortable and loved. I get both from you and don't need more." Oh my God, what's this now. She making me confess now like she some priest. What's happening to me. A spell on me? No, this is love. Always feels like a spell. I wasn't sure if I'm scared or happy. Scared to lose her because it was really close to happening just a few moments ago.

"What would I do without you?" That text really got me thinking. So there's a possibility of parting. Why do we get into this if we'll part? To live, of course. Just doing like everyone else, big deal. I trust Amanda, that's all I know. One month and trust is already developed. I wondered if the time taken to develop trust is the same time taken ti ruin it.

That day, I reached on a cliff and slipped almost falling in it. I held on the edge, one hand came off, then the other hand held on but one finger released its grip. One finger held the weight of my body from the deep abyss below. When I was about to fall, Amanda took my hand and pulled me up. Will she save me the next time I feel this insecure? Why should there be a next time? Why fight? Am I beyond salvation when the relationship starts becoming serious?