The heart that you made numb

Chapter 9: I can do without you

"The award for the neatest boy goes to Leroy. Clap for him."

"Where is the parent? Okay, clap for him as we move forward."

This award day when in class four always rings in my mind. No one came and I was okay, that is when I realized. I realized that I was alone and it was okay as long as I accepted it. I think habits only grow stronger and not the other way around. I am alone and life is a series of moments.

***

It was done and life had to go on.
"People get over divorces and still survive, who am I not to?" This was my life now, full of self reassurance. Everyone wondered what went wrong and funny enough I told them the truth. They were all there around staring at me waiting for my response.
"Guys, she left me, she realized I was cheating."
They all let out a deep sigh of relief.
"Classic move bro, a guy never leaves a girl. It's like this..." Brace yourself, just like Barney Stinson in the series How I met your mother, Tindo had a lot of theories.
"...hey Leroy listen to me." He needed full attention before he proceeded. I started paying attention.
"Thank you. So the way a girl never makes the first moves, only shows top signs, it is reverse. A guy shows the signs of getting bored and the girl ends the relationship. Y'all thank me later."
My signs were too precise though, I told her everything. I was a fool.
"But on the bright side, you had become bored of this girl. Even a playlist needs to be renewed once in a while, right?" Tindo was the most positive guy I know.
I chuckled softly, "Yeah men, I need to get me a new girl. I can do without her." Deep down I felt that pain sting me. The pain of self betrayal and of betraying Amanda. I couldn't help but wonder. "Does she feel the same?"

**********

It felt awful coming back to this hell. All these girls laughing at me, maybe not at me but still I had gone through a breakup with the first person I have ever loved and they were there laughing. I thought of how the world is unfair to the people that hurt like me. For example, when someone dies and everything just goes back to normal as if nothing happened, the sun still rises and you can be shocked that it might shine brighter than the other days. I have never been left before but now I felt it. My heart is crying out so loudly but all these girls do not give a damn, they are laughing even louder. I saw them approach: Maggie, Julie and Tasha. I pretended I was okay and just going by my business.
Maggie looked at me with her face blooming with happiness. "You girls don't have anywhere else to be? Anywhere but here?" I had to be strong to these bullies because that is the only language they understood.
"Do not worry, we will be on way. Our sincere condolences. I told you it was just a matter of time before he left you." As Maggie said those words, I felt my tears roll down uncontrollably. How did they even know? Does the word privacy even exist? They left laughing as they came. I was angry. I was sad. My name is Amanda, loving too fast is what got me to this.

"I hate Math lessons. I hate my Math teacher. I hate Mathematics. I hate Leroy. I wish he could become a Math teacher so that my hate for him can be justified. I hate school because right now I just want to be in my room crying my heart out." I was deep in thought giving myself that "hate" speech, get it? I felt a tap on my shoulder, that was my friend Rita.
"What Rita!?" She signaled me to look at the board. I just went back and placed my hand on my chin.
"Amanda! Come and answer this question, the same way I did the previous one?" Damn! I knew this would end with me being punished. I wish I could just tell him, "Sir, I cannot do that problem because I was not paying attention. Pick someone else please, thank you." But you do not say that to an African teach...
"Amanda! I will not call you again." He shouted again.
I went to the board, my fingers trembling. I rubbed the board slowly and picked the chalk. I started writing and broke the first chalk, the second chalk, the third and fourth and we were out of chalks. The rage in my teacher's eyes was bad.
"Go and wait for me in the principal's office." I walked away gladly. I'd rather be elsewhere but in that class. Everyone was shocked. I'm always the good girl. I was risking a suspension but I did not even care one bit, I wanted to be home. I just felt like crying without anyone judging me.

************

I was upset! Who does this principal think she is? Why did she forgive me? I needed a suspension badly. I was in the dinning hall with the same picture I had when in that Math class. I was angry at everyone. These people were eating disgusting food as if it is some burger and pizza, just a bunch of pretenders. Who even made the rules here? Why should I be in the dinning hall if I do not feel like eating? I woke up to walk away and was stopped by Maggie, she was the dining hall prefect. I really needed this, someone to channel all my anger to.
"Where do you think you are going to, it is not time yet?"
"I'm not thinking about going, I'm going." I said that as I walked out. She ran up to me and grabbed my arm.
I screamed so loudly that over six hundred students, the cooks and the teachers turned to where Maggie and I were. Maggie was scared of me, I was scared of me at this point too.
"Don't touch me! Never touch me again!" I yelled out those words.
"Just let her go Maggie if she is not eating." The captain said those words as I walked out.

Everyone whispered about it: teachers, students and even the cooks. The male teachers would be like "I bet she is on her periods" and their female co workers would look at them, their eyes telling them "Stop assuming what you do not even understand." The students knew what was going on. They knew I had been left by this guy. Oh! Poor me, they would think. But is that really what happened? These men even want to take credit on the most stupid thing like a break up. I dumped that stupid boy! I did that and I was so angry that people felt I'm miserable because he is the one who left me. I was angry and there was nowhere I could go without people looking at me and whispering. At least they did not have the courage to say whatever they were saying straight to my face. I was like a celebrity but not that good celebrity but that one who has dirt on her name. Apart from that negativity, I was strong. It is crazy how this hard situations bring out that strength within you. Maggie and her minions never bothered me again or anyone who had ever thought to bother me. Leroy always worried about how I cope with these girls who had a crush on him. He did not know that strength of a woman. I put Maggie in her place and I was ready for anyone who dared crossed my line about this "being dumped" issue.  I had to protect myself because no one else better could be entrusted with this task.

***********

"Is everything OK at home?" The guidance and counseling teacher asked me. I just stared at him blankly. Who does he think he is? Why ask me stupid questions? Why force me to go to counseling? Why assume I don't have problems of my own.
"Amanda, you have to talk to me. Anything you tell me here will remain here, I promise. Okay?" I was just there. This felt like an interrogation in some detective movie.
"Amanda? Okay?" I looked at him directly and nodded in acceptance.

"Your behavior has raised eyebrows of late. You know we are a small number so anything that happens here is clearly seen, and your actions are not an exception. I will ask again and be honest with me because I want to help you. Is everything OK at home?" This was stupid, so the best way to get out was by answering him. That is how Kenya works, you tell them what they want to hear.
"Everything is OK sir." I answered him in a low tone. He continued asking me every question about home and nothing about myself. I had a feeling that he thought I am too young to have my own problems but why should he assume that. Anyway, nothing was bothering me. The boy cheated and I dumped his ass. The questions kept coming in.

************

"Amanda you are required at the principal's office." I walked out while everyone stared. I know they thought I was weak but I was just doing okay. My friend Rita would ask me if I needed to talk about what happened and I would laugh and tell her nothing happened. I would reassure her that everything was OK.
At the bench, sat someone familiar. It was my sister and on seeing her I remembered when I was young and my knee got hurt, I ran to her crying. I felt like I was three again and I could not hold it in. It was a storm in my eyes. She just hugged me and told me she had come to take me home. She knew better not to ask. I told her later when home and she told me not to pretend that I was OK. She told me healing requires acceptance of pain. I took her advice but I would not stop asking myself, "Was Leroy hurting like I was? Was anyone taking care of him? Is it right to still care for him?" All I was  sure was I could do without him, could he?