The heart that you made numb

Chapter 8: What have I done?

"You lied to me Leroy, you cheated on me."
Amanda was really upset. She did this sometimes just to scare me. You guys get me right? A relationship needs a little thrill. This is what happens, the first days of the relationship you are all about each other which comes in learning new things about each other. After a few weeks, months or years depending on the couple, you deplete everything and you lack on what to say and do. Basically, the two of you become one, nothing boring like this. So to make the relationship spicier you tell a little lies, calculated lies or you can scare your partner of leaving. You don't do this to a paranoid person though, that may go very wrong.

"Come on babe, we just got home from a long term. You can't be seriously making a prank right now. How was school?" This is the worst thing I've ever done, but how would I know?

Five texts came in at the same time, still not sure how she did that but that's the girl I fell in love with, she just cannot be like any other.
"You cheated on me."
"Lied to me."
"Why?"
"Ignore that question, I just want to know one thing..."
"Whyyyy Leroy? Why?"

This was confusing but it could still be a game so I was not going to put myself on the line just like that.
"Relax Amanda, what are you talking about?"
"What am I talking about Leroy? What am I talking about? You mean to say you are still putting up with this! How do you even lie to me with a straight face? I'm even confused, maybe you don't have a straight face, how will I know through this damn texts. I hate technology, I hate you, I hate the whole world."
As soon as that text came in her profile picture disappeared and her status. Yeah, you got it right, I was blocked. What could I have done wrong? My mind needed to remember ASAP. This is a thing about guys, they mess up and feel guilty at first but after a while it starts becoming normal especially if they have never gotten caught. I have never gotten caught so now you know why I have no idea what is going on. This felt so bad, we have never had a fight this serious.

I had to remember. The only person I've been with after I started dating Amanda was Hamisa, there is no way she would have found out about her. First of all, they are not from the same place and Hamisa is in another school, a totally different school. It was just impossible for her to find out about her. I needed to cool down, she has nothing on me. What she is going through now was just fear of the future. Yes, she is scared that I will cheat in the future so she is using this to just keep me in a straight mind. What a good thesis, now I should just wait for her to text and tell me the same thing and then we are done with this outrageous phase. One thing about me is that I am an over thinker, I hate my mind, my biggest enemy. I could use a blunt right now but I was on detox and I had promised myself never to take liquor again. I gave myself a pep talk, "She will text and tell you it was all a prank. Now go to sleep, you will find a text by morning." I doubted my side kick was making sense but I had no choice. She was not picking up my calls. I went to sleep, decided to trust my instincts. It seemed all these self convincing was not getting me anywhere. "She'll text in the morning, she'll text in the morning, she'll text in th..." I whispered that till I slept, it was my lullaby for today.

*******

So it was morning and there was no text that made me feel better, there was no text from Amanda. I felt my heart beat so hard. I tried to keep cool, I was overreacting, it was just a night. But was I really? In a high school romance every second counted. Your girl can be sliced if you ignore her for just ten minutes. You should be there the whole time, it seemed crazy to older people but that's the way we loved and their way is what seemed stupid to us. Yes, not crazy but stupid. I decided to wait yet I am a very impatient person. I was sure that before the day ends that text will come in. I tried to take a nap so that time could go a little faster but I could not. The problem with a teenage relationship in my country, 99.9% of parents did not even become aware of what is going on so in these difficult times all you had was yourself. That was not the problem, you could not even become sad when your heart is breaking because you don't want anyone to know you are even dating. I think even if I reach the age of bringing a girl home, I'll have to go when I am high to get the courage to face my mama. Why can we not be more open to each other?

So it was evening and no text from Amanda, she had not even unblocked me yet. It was night fall, nothing. Maybe the signal in her current location is not responding at the moment. Maybe she was busy or her phone had been stolen before she told me that it was all a prank and she is still into me. It was midnight and there was nothing still. I thought she could be free right now from whatever she was doing. A fool I was to convince myself that she was busy, I bet she was just ignoring me. But I would not let my wicked thoughts cloud my judgement. There was a clearly good explanation to this. A relationship is built on trust and I had to trust her and I had to wait. Right now I just had to go to bed and sleep because I know Amanda and I trust that she will text in the morning. She cannot keep up with this for too long. "I trust her, I trust her, I trust..." I whispered that till I slept, my lullaby for today.

I swear that I am the living proof that you can sleep through any situation no matter how hard it is. The level my stress was at was just too much. I saw some light from afar, so bright! Was this heaven? Opening my eyes fully I realized that was just light from the sun which came through my window. What time was it? Checking on my phone, I got out of bed so fast and spread it. It was 11 in the morning. I went to the sitting room and my mom was just there looking at me.
"I will not allow such laziness in my house Leroy. You are a student, have you even began your assignments?" I had expected this so I was not shocked. I did what anyone in my shoe would have done. I looked at her blankly.
"Well, it is your life boy, I have already done my part. There is breakfast in the kitchen. Bring me tea too and wash the dishes. That is your punishment. You think you can just sleep..." From that point I did not hear what she said. I was super angry, sleeping up to late was not my fault. Who has control over their sleep. Was I to set an alarm like some nerd? I laughed at that because it is impossible. I could not find a clean cup, this was getting me super mad and I did not even know why. I started searching through the utensils with rage and gave up. I decided to text Amanda, she always cools me down in such situations. I almost cried, I had forgotten that she was not texting me. Every problem seemed insignificant at this point. Maybe amnesia is not really bad thing, the memories just keep bringing back the hurt and you relive it as it was the first time. I sat on my bed, trying to be strong but I could feel my grip loosening and there was nothing I could do so I fell of the cliff of sanity and this is the point where an over thinker does something really stupid.

I took my phone and put my phone lock, got in the app and searched Amanda. I took a deep breath then...
"I know you have blocked me. I know you hate me. I know you want nothing to do with me but you need to believe me. I have no feelings for that Hamisa. It is you I love. Please text back. Why am I even texting you and you have blocked men? Please respond to this. I have to try Amanda." Sent and delivered. No going back right now. Something was not right, I went to check. The message was delivered meaning I was not blocked. What had I done? Why couldn't I just wait? I started typing again.
"Ignore all that I am just joking babe."
I texted many stupid things after that. The ticks became blue and I knew I had just blew my chance. After like five minutes I saw "typing..." I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer. Anxiety strikes again.