The heart that you made numb

Chapter 7: Nothing like you

She's not like you
I'm sorry I cheated
She don't know me like you do
She's not pretty like you
She's pretty like her
I fell for her tricks but I didn't fall in love
She does not have that slim figure you got even though she's a Muslim
I messed up, she's beautiful but not like you
I only love you
And she's not like you

I could not breathe. She was there choking me out with my pillow. How did she even get here? I'm yelling to her beneath my struggling breath how sorry I am. She's telling me she trusted me too much to believe that I will ever do her like Judas did to Jesus. She's crying, I feel her warm tears fall on my bare chest. They are not even warm right now, they are hot, she must be in real rage. I try to say I'm sorry but it was too late for me. I felt life slip out of my body. So this is how death feels like. I could hear her crying from a distance, when I say distance I mean very far away. I was getting away from my body, no hope for me. I heard her call me, "Leroy! Leroy! Wake up!"
I woke up in a pool of sweat and tears. My mum was there. What a nightmare!? I was still crying. I did not want to talk about it. I was so scared. She knew what to do, she left.

I woke up smiling and my face lit. I even saw the shock in my mum's face. I hugged her good morning, I never do that. She did this thing she does with her face, raising her brows and widening her eyes then a deep sigh and smiled. She told me to take breakfast whenever I'm ready for it was ready. I went to the kitchen immediately and I was really happy. I was not okay but fuck it, if my mum did not ask for an explanation then all was good. I guess I nailed it in that little show I put up, I smiled again because if this was filmed I would get an Oscar.

"Leroy, remember no meals are taken in the kitchen!"
My mum's voice brought me back to reality from all the cheers at me as I make my acceptance speech. If only wishes were horses...
"Leroy!" My mum's voice came up again. I took the flask to the dinning table fast. I did not want to make her mad, she might remember last night's events. I am sure other families would talk to sort it out but I really felt better not approaching this right now. Yes! I will suppress this until it disappears. Is it possible?

Amanda was home. She was so nice to me. Not the way I saw her in my nightmare. Shocked, right? You can only imagine how I felt, underline only. She had really missed me, she said and she could not wait to come back home to me. Why was she doing this to me? Don't get me wrong, it is not bad to be good but still the more she is nice to me the more I feel guilty of my inhumane actions. Somehow whatever I thought did not affect my positive response to her, just like a program.
"I missed you too, I think yesterday was the longest day at home ever since I met you." That was so true. The day was too long until I got me another girlfriend and almost died in a nightmare because of guilt eating me up like the way the ants do to a corpse. My life was really hasty and I could not seem to stop it.
"Babe, your ex girlfriend's friends have been on my neck this whole term." Really? Another problem. So that girl still exists. I had to show concern before she noticed anything was amiss.
"What! I'm really sorry to put you through that."
"No, don't apologize. It was actually fun shutting them up. This love has really made me brave. Damn! I love you so much Leroy." This was getting to me now. What have I done? I was going to end things with Hamisa, I swear. I was just waiting for her to come online.
"Bravery, what's more attractive than that? I love you so much too Amanda."
I couldn't wait for Hamisa to come online and I dump her. How cheap does she think I am? Even if I texted her first. I grinned at the thought, apologies to Hamisa, she has got the wrong guy. A guy who is madly in love with his girl. It may be selfish for Hamisa. Damn! It is selfish to Amanda but I knew this little sacrifice will prevent a more fatal heartbreak bound to happen. It was a clever move, I had control of it, is what I thought.
I decided to watch a series while waiting for Hamisa to come through. Game of thrones, what better series. A text came in and I ran hoping that it was Hamisa. I mean, waiting sucks. It was not her, it was a group text. I decided to mute all the groups I was in, I don't want my hopes being shuttered by being excited over group texts. Before I even sat down another text came through. Did I forget to mute one of the groups? On checking, it was Tindo. Really now, this guy doesn't have girls to text so he texts me? I'm overreacting, yes, because I'm anxious on when Hamisa will text. Do Muslims sleep this much? It's 10 o'clock for God's sake. I mean for Allah's sake.

"Bro how did it go?" Brother was really excited about me cheating. Maybe he was just genuinely happy for my progress: not convincing.
"It went well, though I want to call it off."
"Let me ignore the negative part, you mean she's your girlfriend already?" Damn! I didn't see it that way . How am I gone dump someone that is not my girlfriend? Ridiculous! You mean I was stressed up because of talking to her. I smiled, and shook my head to a rhythm in my mind. I am so faithful. I mean my faithfulness is from another planet. I should try playing FIFA, I'm sure I am bad at it, because I am no player. Haha! That's a good one. I laughed out loud.

"Hey, so you gonna blue tick me because you got a new chick?"
Shit! I had forgotten to reply. But I was going to play it cool. Make a friend happy.
"No, she is not my girl yet. It is not even 24 hours. I can't promise anything but we are really making good steps with her." Haha! This was fun.
"For real bro?" He was really happy, happier than I expected actually.
"Yeah, for real bro. You doubting a brother now?" I smiled to myself like when is that award coming through. I mean, look at me, look at my talent.
"Not like that man. I am happy because we will be like in laws you see. Damn, from friends to in laws." I rubbed my chin and scratched my forehead. I just did not understand what he meant.
"You lost me there, rephrase please."
"Hamisa, that's the sister to my girl. If you date Hamisa, you basically my bro. Ain't that exciting?"
No. It's not. How will I dump someone my friend introduced me to? It will ruin his relationship too.
"It is bro. It is."
"I knew you were down, now we can do family stuff and shit." I thought my tone on that text would make him figure out things.
"So... Anything else I should know about Hamisa?" It was hopeless. I had to know what I had gotten myself into.
"She was heartbroken so don't hurt her, you'll destroy her." Damn! Fuck! Shit! Why did I ask? God please, I admit that time travel is not real but can you just take me back 24 hours back to change all this?
As I was talking to myself the way I am used to, Hamisa's text came in. Oh! Not really text but texts.
"Hello there handsome. How are you? How was your night? Missed you through the night." Really now? I mean you were asleep, how can you miss someone when you are asleep?
"I missed you too, I slept well. What about you?" Hey! Don't judge me. I'm human you know.
This was a losing battle. At least she should be bad so I can get an excuse to dump her ass. She is just here being all sweet and the craziest part is I love it. We continued texting through the day. Amanda was not online that day. She had tuition or something education related. I had missed her but not as much as I did before. Hamisa had this charm, she texted in Swahili.
I asked her what she thinks about me and she replied, "Wewe wakaa kujielewa. Kando ya hio, uko na talanta. Mwanamke kamili hupenda hio." Reading this gave me goosebumps, rushes and my stomach turned at the same time.
"How are you sure I am the right one?" I asked her.
"I am not sure, I just believe you. You think Muslims do not have faith?"
"Not like that. I just cannot believe I'm getting this from someone as pretty as you."
"You think I'm pretty? Why are you holding back?"
I have a girlfriend, I wish I could tell her that but most guys don't have that in their blood, me included.
"I was not sure if you would want me too."
"Now that you know I want you and I know you want me, we all know what comes next."
My hands became sweaty and a sweat from my brow dropped on the screen and my phone fell down. What do I do? I don't want to hurt anyone. Cowardice was taking over me, it was winning.

Looking back to that day I understand why I was bound to lose. All the time I was thinking of Hamisa even when talking to Amanda. Waiting for her texts anxiously waiting to "dump" her. What an irony? This girl had surely shaken my whole existence, I just hope for the better.