Happy Pills | Falsettos DISCONTINUED

.i.

⚠️ FINAL TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

After it happened, everyone tried to comfort me, and told me it would all be okay. That everything would turn out alright in the end.
But I sure hoped it wouldn't. Because I can't take this pathetic life I've created anymore. My boyfriend hates me, my son won't look me in the eye, and my ex-wife, though she has every right to despise me, won't even speak to me. She's supposed to keep me updated on our son! I don't even get to see him and that's her one job! Plus, my new friends, Cordelia and Charlotte... I'm positive they hate me too.

So, that's why I attempted what I did. Took a handful of random pills I found in the medicine cabinet and choked them down with some kind of alcohol that had been in the fridge for far too long. Then, I popped one of the blades from my razor and sliced up my wrists a little, but not enough to bleed out. If I was gonna die, it was gonna be because of the pills, not blood loss.
As I sat on the bathroom floor in front of the sink, I smiled to myself. Now they could hate me, but I wouldn't be there to endure it. Jason would finally have a dad to be proud of: Mendel. Whizzer could move on happily without worry of me coming back into his life. Trina could be happily married to Mendel without me interfering. Cordi and Charlotte wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. And I wouldn't have to live with the constant thoughts of self hate, self inflicted violence, or suicide pounding through my head day and night. Everyone would benefit from this.

Except, they didn't. Not even me.

After that, I'd gotten up to lay on the couch so at least I could pass comfortably, and I must have fallen asleep, as I'm pretty sure the majority of what I took was some variety of sleeping pills, because when I woke up, I was in a hospital bed, surrounded by those who detest me.

Charlotte explained what had happened: while I was asleep, her and Cordi had knocked on my door, only to receive no answer. Since they know me well enough to know where I keep a spare key, they came in, found me lying on the couch, asleep, saw the cuts, and called 911, rushing me to the hospital. There, they proceeded to pump my stomach, removing all the pills, and bandage my wrists.

I knew I should be grateful. I mean, these women saved my life, but... I just couldn't be. All I'd wanted for years was relief. Relief from everything and everyone and when I finally worked up the courage to do it, what happens? I get saved.

What a petty thing to think. I could've died, leaving my son without his father, for Pete's sake! Even though that's exactly what I had intended to do in the first place... But, no, all I could think of was how I needed this to work.... And it didn't.

I scanned the faces before me, all looking relieved to see me, which was odd. They all loathe me to some degree, so why look happy? Happy to see I tried to rid them of me or happy to see me recovered? Hard to tell...

"Dad," Jason started. I sat up a little, turning to face him. "Why?"

I looked between everyone once again. I can't say the real reason. If he wasn't in the room, maybe, but I can't explain to my son that I'd tried to rid the world of me because I feel hated by everyone around me and thought it would be a weight off their shoulders to be without me. So, instead, I said, "Sometimes the lack of chemicals in our brains makes us feel like it's the only option."

He looked shocked. And rightfully so. I don't think we ever discussed what suicide really was with him. I mean, how can you when you only see him on weekends and all he wants to do is play chess? That's not a great conversation topic for a child.

"Jason, sweety, why don't you go wait in the hall for a minute. We just need to talk to him," Trina stated.
"But-" Jason attempted to protest.
"Adults only, bud. Sorry," Whizzer said softly, gently leading Jason to the door.

I guess if I had to pick something I'd miss most if I had been successful, it would be seeing how those two interact. They've got such a great relationship; it warms my heart to see them getting along so well.

Once he was out of the room, everyone's relieved expressions, turned to that of anger.
I didn't know if I should speak, or if I did, what to say, so I just waited patiently for someone else to start this. I knew exactly what was coming, and I'd prepared myself for it many times, but it would be more difficult depending on who brought it up.

Silence hung in the air as everyone glared at me, Charlotte occasionally checking something hooked up to me, usually the IV that was administering water so I wouldn't get dehydrated.
It was like they were waiting for me to speak, so I did. "What do you want me to say?"
"Maybe give us an explanation?" Whizzer growled.
"And one that doesn't consist of 'chemicals in your brain not working right'." Mendel spoke up, speaking in a dumbed down voice while quoting me. I would not miss him. Not only is he a shit therapist, he's a straight up jackass. And I'm not just saying that because he married Trina. I couldn't care less what she does now.
"Look, I thought it would be better for everyone if I was gone, okay?" I spoke quietly, hoping that would be enough to satisfy their curiosity for the time being. I was not in the mood for an interview.
"Are you kidding me, Marv?" Trina laughed bitterly. "Nothing would be better for us if you were gone! Are you insane?"
"You're gonna have to explain yourself sooner or later, so you might as well just do it now." Cordi stated, crossing her arms.
So, that's exactly what I did. I explained how they all hated me and how their lives would be so much better without me.

And with every word I spoke, I could see their hearts break more.