Happy Pills | Falsettos DISCONTINUED

.vii.

As soon as the door opened, Whizzed started bombarding me with questions.
"How was it? Did you get something out of it? When do you go back?"
I laughed, hanging up my coat and kicking off my shoes. "Fine; yes; Friday."
He smiled as I took a seat beside him on the couch. "Everything went well then, I take it?"
I nodded. "Yep. Everything was fine. Got to the root of some insecurities, I think, and talked about some fairly deep things," He chuckled at my phrasing to which I rolled my eyes. "And apparently some of what I said shocked Mendel. He was at a loss for words sometimes, it was entertaining."
He smiled. "That's good."
I forced a smile. I was having trouble concentrating on what he was saying as what Mendel brought up had stuck with me. Maybe I should take it up with Whizzer? No, I don't want to annoy him with my problems. It's better to keep it in and regret nothing than let it out and regret everything.
"Something wrong?"
"Hmm?"
"I'll take that as a yes. What's up?"
"Nothing, it's just something Mendel brought up."
"Can I ask what that would be?"
"You can ask, but it doesn't mean you'll get an answer."
He rolled his eyes. "Tell me?"
"Y'know, therapy is supposed to be a private thing,"
He sighed. "Yes, I know. But it seems to be upsetting you, and you do know that I'll listen to you, right?"
"I know, but don't you remember what I said earlier today? About not being comfortable talking about myself? Does that ring any bells?"
"Yes, Marv, but-"
"No buts, Whiz, please. I'll talk to you about it when I'm comfortable, okay?"
He inhaled sharply, clearly annoyed. "Okay,"
I instantly felt a pang if guilt surge through me. Of course this would upset him and of course it would be my fault.
"I'm gonna take a nap..."
Whizzer only hummed in response.

Once in the bedroom, I immediately went to my side of the bed and lifted the mattress slightly only to be met with my blade. Smiling, I double checked the door was shut before slipping my pants down to my knees, just like the night before, and slid the blade across my leg quickly and multiple times in one place. I did this a few more times before hiding the blade again and tugging up my pants which made the cuts sting as soon as the material rested on them.
Then, I climbed into bed and attempted to fall asleep as silent tears rolled down my face. I felt overwhelmed and guilty and like the world was closing in on me. The only thing I could think to do was cry, hoping it would help at least a little.
It didn't.

The door opened unexpectedly, making me jump. I quickly wiped away the tears and rolled over so I was facing the wall. The last thing I needed was for Whizzer to see me cry.
"Marv?" He asked quietly in a gentle voice.
"Yeah?" I asked slowly, making sure my voice didn't crack. Sadly, I was very accustomed to doing this.
"You okay?" He asked with the same gentle tone.
"Yeah,"
"You sure?"
"Mhmm,"
He climbed into bed beside me wrapping an arm over my waist, pulling me close to him. I had to fight hard to not cry. Him being here made me feel even worse; I couldn't get over the feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach. I felt bad for keeping so much from him, but I knew I couldn't tell him.
"I love you," He whispered, placing a kiss on my cheek.
I nodded, placing a hand over my mouth to muffle the sobs I knew were about to come. Inhaling sharply, I began speaking again. "Y'know, Whizzer, I love you and everything, but I really think I need to be alone right now,"
"I disagree,"
"I'm not a baby, so please stop treating me like one. Just... I need to be alone right now. Don't take it personally... Please,"
He sighed, sitting up, hand still on my waist. "Y'know, if you'd just tell me what's bothering you, maybe I could help instead of feeling useless and left on the sidelines."
I sat up, facing him. I knew my face was red and tear stained, but I didn't care as much as I would have otherwise. Right now, I was pissed. "You really wanna know what's wrong or do you just wanna keep blaming me for everything? You know I've got mental health problems, so stop ignoring the fact that they exist and treating me like shit!"
He was taken aback my outburst.
"You claim to love me, but if I'm honest, I think you just missed having someone to pick on! We're in a relationship, Whizzer! Start acting like it! I'm not just some floozy you can throw away after a week. I'm a human being and it would be nice to be treated like one!"
Silence. I wiped my face and rolled over in bed once again.

After a few minutes of silence, Whizzer left. And who's to blame him? All he was doing was telling the truth. Everything is my fault, after all, it's true. Who am I to yell at him for saying what everyone's already thinking? All I ever do is screw things up. It's only a matter of time before he comes to his senses and leaves me again.