Happy Pills | Falsettos DISCONTINUED

.ix.

After much debating, I decided to take Jason out for ice cream. As we sat across from each other at the table in the almost empty restaurant, an uncomfortable silence hung in the air, and for good reason.

"So," I started, hoping to spark a conversation. "Anything exciting happen at school?"
He looked up at me. "I haven't been at school this week. Mom let me stay home to process what happened."
I looked back down to my ice cream guiltily. "I'm really sorry, bud,"
He shook his head. "I still don't understand why. All I want is to understand, so please, dad,"
I looked up to see his pleading eyes. Sighing, I answered. "I can't tell you."
"Why?"
"You're not old enough to hear the truth."
"Why not? I'm thirteen, dad!"
"You're a kid and a kid shouldn't be weighed down by their parents problems and demons."
"Did I not just get bar mitzvah'd? Does a bar mitzvah not celebrate being welcomed into adulthood?"
I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "Yes, but you're not legally an adult and I'm not comfortable telling my thirteen year old son why I tried to kill myself."
Silence. Again.
"Look, I understand how frustrating it must be-"
"No, you don't." He interrupted.
"Yes, I do."
"Pfft."
"My dad tried to do the same thing just before your mother and I got divorced."
He looked up, surprised.
"We never told you because we thought that on top of the news of us getting a divorce might be too much for you to handle. Plus, you never met my father and I was never very close with him, so it didn't matter."
"Dad,"
"No, listen. I understand how hard this is for you and I understand how frustrating it must be to not know why, but trust me when I say you don't want to know. Just be happy with the fact that I'm still here,"
He nodded and started to play with his melting ice cream.
"But don't think I did it because I needed to escape from you, okay? It's not your fault."
He nodded again.
"I love you,"
A small smile quickly appeared before disappearing just as fast.

"How come I couldn't come over this weekend?" He asked after a minute.
I shrugged. What a childish way to respond.
"Dad?"
"I'm not in a good place and I don't want that to come across as ignoring you,"
He nodded.
"I understand if you hate me," I said softly.
He looked up, a panicked expression on his face. "I don't hate you!" He replied quickly.
I forced a small smile, silently convincing myself he was lying.
If I have one talent, it's being able to convince myself of the complete opposite of what I've just been told, which I've done successfully time and time again. So why not do it once more?

Awkward silence hung in the air once more as neither of us touched the ice cream that was rapidly melting in front of us. I felt so bad for having brought this on, but I didn't know how to fix it. My only thought was that I needed to be alone for a while, but I couldn't just abandon my son like that...
"Dad," Jason started. I looked up to meet his eyes. "I think I'm ready to go home,"
It's like he read my mind. I nodded solemnly and stood, watching as he followed suit. We then made our way to my car in complete silence.

Finally, after what felt like forever, we arrived at Trina's where I dropped him off.
"I'm sorry, bud... This wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I suggested we go out for ice cream, and I'm guessing it wasn't what you did either. I know you want answers, but I just can't give them to you yet. I hope you can understand that,"
He nodded. "I do. Thanks for making the effort, dad."
I smiled, genuinely, and gave him a quick hug before he left.

Trina had been waiting on the porch since we pulled up and once Jason was inside, she came over to the car as I rolled down the window.
"So... How'd that go?" She asked, leaning on the car.
I shrugged. "Very quiet and very awkward."
She nodded.
"Um... There was one point where he asked why I did it and I told him I couldn't tell him yet. He got very defensive, saying he wasn't a child anymore and that he should be able to know, and when I told him I knew how frustrating it is to not know, he didn't believe me, so-"
"You told him about your dad?" She cut me off.
I nodded.
"How'd he respond to that?"
"He didn't seem very phased by it. Granted, he never met my dad, so..."
She tilted her head in acknowledgment. "Anything else happen that I should know about?"
I thought for a moment. "No. Nothing else of importance really happened, just thought you should know about that thing just in case he brings it up, wanting to know more."
She nodded. "Thanks for taking him; he was really worried about you."
I scoffed.
"What?" She asked through a forced laugh.
I shook my head. "Nothing." I paused for a second, thinking. "Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah, of course,"
"Don't tell Mendel I asked you, okay?"
"... Okay,"
"He hasn't told you anything I've said in therapy, right? I know it's probably just paranoia, but I need to know for certain."
"No, he hasn't told me anything."
I nodded. "Okay,"
"Why? Is there something you're hiding from me that I should know?" She joked.
I smiled a bit. "Oh, yeah, definitely." I replied sarcastically.
We shared a laugh for a moment, before she glanced back towards the house for a second, then turned back to me. "I should go back inside. Thanks again for taking Jason,"
"No problem. It was nice to see him again, even if it was all awkward silence."
She smiled. "I'll see you later, Marvin."
I waved slightly as she went back towards the house.