Begin Again

Day one

She couldn't close her eyes without the nightmares coming. Not anymore.

She couldn't even turn the tap on and let the water run over her hands without gasping for breath like she did down there, like it was the last breath she'd ever take.

It was a strange phobia, water, considering the fact that without it she wouldn't be alive. She was scared to the point where even she knew it was ridiculous, but she just couldn't let go. Not yet. It was just too hard.

Isolation wasn't something she was used to. She always had him by her side, always making her laugh with his stupid jokes about monkeys or firing ideas at her that just seemed to fit. Everything fitted with him. And some people say that losing someone close to you was like losing a limb, but Simmons felt like losing Fitz was closer to losing a heart, a soul, and everything else in between.

She felt like a blank sheet of paper. Plain. Empty. Like it had ideas written on it, once, but someone took an eraser to her and rubbed them all out.

It was too hard, and she felt herself slipping away with every moment that passed.

~*~

"Please, Simmons. You just need rest."

I don't need anything. You have no idea. Instead, she said nothing at all.

"You've been working yourself into the ground. Take a break."

It's the only way I can distract myself from the hurricane inside my head. She still didn't say anything.

"Simmons! Please!"

You don't know. But she dropped the syringe and let Skye put her arm around her shoulders. "I'm not even going to pretend to understand, but those dark shadows are getting hard to ignore. Just sleep, you'll need all of your strength in the morning."

Sleep can't give me strength. Only he can.

She didn't even know she was crying. She was just too numb.

~*~

There he was again. Slamming his hand down onto the red button. And she screamed again just before the water found its way to them and knocked them both spinning.

She couldn't find him. He was too far gone.

Hoping for something and losing it is better than never hoping for anything. Normally it would be true, but sometimes the pain is too much that you wonder if it's possible to hurt any more.