Love Letters to Sally || Louis Tomlinson

2.

2.

"You need help and you know it."

"I told you I can help myself on my own Liam." I say through my teeth, sitting up on the edge of my couch.

"Stop it Louis, you know you can't help yourself."

"Watch me."

"Are you even sober?" Liam asks. His eyebrows rise up while he leans forward on the couch across from me.

"Of course I am."

"How much did you have to drink this morning Louis?" Liam raises his eyebrow.

"Three glasses of scotch." I say truthfully my voice breaking.

"God you need help."

"Well what do you expect me to do Liam? I've been kicked out of three rehab facilities!" I raise my voice.

"I expect you to get better soon!" Shaking my head I close my eyes. "I want what's best for you. I just want my best mate back." Liam's voice lowers. I stand from the couch, Liam's eyes look at me worriedly but I avoid his gaze and turn towards my apartment door.

"Yeah, well your best mate is gone." Mumbling that sentence never hurt worse in my life, but it was true. Never would I be the same, even if I stopped this nasty addiction and sadness within me. I open the door, anger builds up in me when I see the rest of the boys all crowded around my door. I push past them without saying a word.

"Louis," Niall starts but I continue walking down the hall and begin jogging down the stairwell. Walking down a few flights of stairs, I push open the gray medal door and out into the alley way.

Leaning against the brick wall I close my eyes turning my head towards the sky. Why don't they understand? Fishing out my cigarette box in my pocket, I fumble with my fingers for a cigarette and instantly light it up once I find one. Breathing in I focus on the toxic nicotine that builds into my lungs. I hold my breath until my lungs cannot take the smoke anymore and blow it out slowly.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" My head snaps over to the familiar Irish accent. I roll my eyes as Niall leans against the brick wall beside me, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Great, so now I am not a loud to smoke?" Niall shakes his head avoiding my angry gaze.

"I meant the constant drinking, the quick to anger, and the sadness I see in your eyes. You're killing yourself slowly Louis."

"Good, I hope I die soon." I take another drag out of my cigarette.

"You shouldn't say that."

"I'm sorry I'm such a big disappointment Niall," I start to say as I stomp out the small bud with the heel of my shoe. "But you can't help me, no one can."

"We can help you through this! How many times must I tell you his. We understand what it's like to be in this kind of state that you're in." Niall raises his voice while using hand motions to get the point across.

"If you understand than why do you keep telling me to stop drinking and just be happy?"

"Why don't you just go to a doctor and get medication for your depression then? I don't want to walk into your apartment and see you dead because you committed suicide anytime soon."

"There is no cure for depression. The medication they'll prescribe you only makes you happy for a couple of hours then suddenly you are back to square one. I don't want fake happiness, I want to be able to create the happiness myself." My voice breaks at the end.

"I want you back Louis." Niall sadly says with tears welling up in his eyes.

"I want me back too Niall." I say before walking back inside and up towards my apartment. I worry that once I get back to my apartment the boys will be sitting on my couches with a stranger with a notepad. I'm scared they would lecture me on how bad I am hurting them and want me to go back to rehab, but that's not happening anytime soon.

Luckily when I open my door my apartment is vacant, almost instantly I go for the kitchen and into the fridge to get myself a beer but once I reach out for it; I stop myself. My breathing quickens when the sadden looks the boys have given me flashes through my mind. My eyes advert from the beer to my hand many times before my eyes flash with anger.

"Who cares about them." I mumble angrily while picking up the beer bottle. Opening it up I take a swig before walking through the living area towards my bedroom. Kicking off my shoes I retrieve my journal from under my bed and sit against my head board. Setting down my beer on the nightstand, I take a blue inked pen and open up to the next blank page. I start to write,

Dear Sally,

Today the boys visited me, well at least Liam did. The others stayed behind in the hall, which only angered me more knowing they were listening to our conversation. He only came to tell me how worried he was about me. That's all I hear now from them, they give me an ear full about how sad I look and how I'm such a drunkard.

I believe they don't think I know this. I know everything that is wrong with me. I've admitted plenty of times that I have a terrible addiction to alcohol and smoking. I've admitted that I am depressed but I cannot help it.

Niall asked why I don't just go to the doctor and get medication. Yes, I know there is medication for depression that will help you out, but my beliefs on this is the medication only gives you fake happiness. I just want to be normal again...I want to feel alive again.

I feel so alone and I just wish someone would notice. All I can ever do anymore is question myself if I ruined my life. I'm sure that I have since nothing seems to be going any better in my life.

As finish up my beer I will leave you with one quote I had found looking through my phone a couple days back,

"Sadness touches everyone, even the ones who shouldn't be sad at all."

Sincerely yours,
Louis Tomlinson

I close the journal with a sigh as I finish the last bits of the burning liquid. Leaning back I look out my window and watch as the December snow slowly falls down, lining the streets in a bright blanket of white.

{ Word Count: 1122 }