in time // h.s.

prologue

Twenty-six years old...

I dared a glance at myself in the full body mirror before inhaling a deep breath, enough to make my lungs explode, and letting it go slowly. I nodded reassuringly to myself before cautiously picking up my train and walking out of the hotel room. My wedding planner, Vivianne, was talking into the microphone attached to the collar of her shirt as I made my way into the lobby. Once she noticed my presence she smiled widely at me.

"Ready?" she asked.

I nodded curtly with a small smile.

I watched as she bustled around, ordering people around here and there. Within minutes, my wedding party were all in the lobby with me. My bridesmaids to my left and the groomsmen to my right. The ring bearer and flower girl (which happened to be my nephew, Michael, and my goddaughter, Alexis) were running around as Vivianne chased after them.

I giggled softly into my palm at the sight of Vivianne, the most serious and straight to the point person I've ever met, as she ran hectically behind two children. They both laughed hysterically until she finally got a hold of them and told them to please stay still.

My dad was standing next to me, coyly chuckling into his fist as well before covering it up with a cough when she shot him a faux murderous glare. He sneaked a glance down at me and winked playfully. I smiled and leaned my head on his shoulder while his arm came around me, hand rubbing my bare arm comfortingly.

"You okay?" he asked.

I whispered a 'yep' as I stared at the ground, biting my bottom lip while I absentmindedly played with the ring that was no longer on my right middle finger.

Vivianne was busy making sure everyone was standing in the right spot with their right partner while also making sure that Michael and Alexis wouldn't take off again. She then handed each bridesmaid their bouquets and double checked everything was perfect before whispering something into her mic.

A beautiful acoustic guitar version of Iron and Wine's 'Flightless Bird, American Mouth' started to softly play inside the banquet hall of the hotel. The doors opened and Michael and Alexis walked down the aisle as calm as a pair of two-year-olds could. One by one, my bridesmaids and their paired groomsmen followed through the giant doorway.

That's when everything sort of kicked in. The nervousness I tried to block out came in full force. Thoughts jumping around my head like 'Am I doing the right thing?' 'Am I marrying the right guy?' 'What if he changes his mind?' 'What if I change my mind?'

My fingers went back to twirling the non existent ring, searching for the comfort it always seemed to bring me.

Only fifty-two feet stood between me and my husband-to-be. All that was left for me to complete the transformation from Miss Janet Breuer to Mrs Janet Gunn was to walk those fifty-two feet and say my vows. Giving all my love and the rest of my life to a man who I knew would love me back with all of his heart and more. Then I'd be able to leave the past behind and look to the future with security, dignity and the love of a good man, knowing that I deserved to be receiving it.

But even though I knew it was what I wanted, what I needed and deserved, I found myself second guessing my decisions, making it the most difficult fifty-two feet I'd ever had to walk. Because if I walk those few feet and say 'I Do', I'll be completely walking away from someone who loves me just as much (possibly more). Someone who had the potential to take us on a never ending journey to dizzying heights with his and my love (a love that was mine for the taking, but never truly within my reach), but ultimately chose not to. Perhaps if the circumstances were different we'd have had something magical, but I guess that's not what life had planned out for us. It pained me to be walking away from those feelings, from him, but we'd said all we needed to say. He knew I loved him and that my love for him was unconditional, as it had always been even after all this time.