in time // h.s.

xxxvi. harry

Twenty-six years old...

Being under the twinkling of the starry sky above, quite like that night five years ago, it was hard to escape the intense desire that took hold of me, making it impossible to ignore. I had an overwhelming urge to open my mouth and say the words out loud, but I couldn't. Instead I found another way to express what I was undoubtedly sure I felt.

Of course, it would be easy to brush the whole thing off and insist it was a crush, a silly little case of puppy love, but it wasn't. It was far more than that.

From the moment I saw Janet she'd captured me. She had me completely gripped. I was fascinated with everything about her. The way she looked with her brunette silk-like hair and flushed cheeks, the way her full heart-shaped lips spoke with a softness and warmth, and the way she appeared so vulnerable as she exposed her caring heart. I adored her. It was that simple.

With Janet in my life I felt whole. She added a magical sparkle that I'd never want to live without. And so I found another way to express what I was undoubtedly sure I felt. I placed my warm and clammy hand in hers and gave it a long squeeze before pulling my hand away. The words pulsed through my body and out of my hands into hers, the one I loved inexplicably.

I LOVE YOU.

That was what I'd wanted to say in that one little squeeze.

And I knew I meant it.

I really did...

I had no agenda, no hidden plan or desire for anything to change between us, my only thought was to relieve myself of those feelings by communicating them in the only way I felt I could.

One little squeeze of love.

From me.

To her.

It was enough to know that she felt the same way back. I couldn't have asked for anything more from her. I wanted Janet and my best friend to have a lifetime of happiness together, knowing that I would always be there by her side, loving her unconditionally in return.

As I let her go, into the arms of the best man I'd ever known, I felt a sadness knowing the best man had won. It just wasn't this best man.

***

Harry,

A few years ago I was told that, in order to stop my heart from being so torn, I had to choose my love story and stick to it. The thing is, I never really felt like I had a choice. You'd got with Alex and seemed perfectly happy, you never gave me cause to think otherwise. You also never fought for me or made me think that a future with you was a viable option. If I'm honest, it made me question if you'd ever really loved me at all. As a result I invested all my love and energy into Matthew. I forgave him, and ended up loving him even more than I had before, because at that point I knew what it was like to be without him. I can't say I regret the decision or the years we've spent together. I'm incredibly happy and loved. As we both know, Matty is a wonderful man.

However, every now and then I think about you and what could have been. Not constantly, but it's been tugging away at me enough to keep you in my thoughts more than perhaps you ought to have been. For a while I thought I was having doubts, that it was my heart's way of saying it's you I love and should be with, but I've come to conclude that that is not the case. I DO love you, you can be certain of that, but I don't believe we're meant to be together, I don't think I'm meant to be with anyone. Instead that decision is one our hearts must make for themselves.

I know you didn't believe it when I told you I loved you all those years ago, but I honestly did, and still do. Completely and utterly. Just thinking of you makes me smile. I don't want to go through life without you there supporting me, and nor do I want you to be without my support and love.

Until now, I thought a part of me had been longing for you to come along and rescue me, but we both know I'm not in need of saving. Not in the slightest. There's nothing to save me from. I'm in love with someone we both think is amazing. I'll be full of happiness on the day of my wedding because I know that things are the way they should be.

So it's not because I don't love you that I'm marrying someone else, and it's not because you didn't love me that you stopped fighting for me or pursuing things. Instead, it's because we both have so much love for the one man who's been keeping us apart. He is OUR rock, OUR best friend, OUR Matty. It's not from a lack of love that we'll forever be apart, but too much.

You will always be in my heart and I know I'll love you forever.

Yours, Janet

xoxox