in time // h.s.

xiii. harry

Fifteen years old...

I had seen Matty's hand up Janet's top in the cinema. In fact, I was ridiculously aware of every single movement the pair made. When they started to hold hands, when their legs entwined, when they first kissed. The film hadn't even started by that point. His tongue was down her throat before the lights had gone down. I couldn't help but stare at them in my peripheral vision. A couple of times I purposefully asked for the popcorn bucket, or interjected with some little remark, but that was only to gently remind them that I was there, and that they had promised it wasn't a date. The breast-touching-hand beside me, though, suggested differently. God knows what happened to Georgia and that Poupi bloke, I wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to what was going down on the massive screen in front of me. I was far too distracted.

Earlier on in the night I could tell she was panicking, she kept staring at me with this worried expression, paying close attention to my every move. I guessed my mum had spoken to hers about my tearful outburst. I knew that I had to man up. I had to put her mind at rest, otherwise I'd crack up under such scrutiny. Even though it killed me inside, I had to put on a brave face and act like I wasn't bothered by the changes going on.

The whole thing was a bit of a nightmare for me, and that was why I agreed to ask Kathy out. At least it would keep my mind occupied when we were all out together and stop me from feeling like the world's biggest pervert because, disturbingly, when I saw his hand up there, the first thought that went through my head was, 'I wonder what that feels like'. My hand tingled as I contemplated it and a hotness rushed through me, causing a stirring down below. Yes, the first time I'd got an erection from thinking of Janet in a sexual way was when she was being fondled by my best friend. Up until then my feelings had been mostly innocent. I couldn't be thinking thoughts like that!

Inviting Kathy along seemed the most sensible thing to do, but as Monday loomed and I realized I was going to have to approach her, I couldn't help but feel queasy. I was such a wimp. It was ridiculous. It didn't help that Matty and Janet kept pulling faces at me the whole way through our art class, gesturing for me to go over to her. I never performed well under pressure. Still don't.

I seized the opportunity to have a quiet word with her when she was over by the sink washing her brushes. I picked up one of mine and casually strolled over.

"Hi, Kathy," I smiled, as I stood alongside her, running my brush underneath the warm flowing tap.

As she looked up and saw it was me, I noticed her deep red lips push out into a pout. Kathy was one of the hot chicks in our year, and she knew it. There was something about her that was dangerously sexy. She was wild and carefree, something her untamed long hair and dark eyes helped to amplify.

It was at that point, while I was lingering next to her at the tap, that I remembered our teeth bashing when I'd pulled her in for a snog in Paris. I couldn't help but shrink into myself as I internally cringed with embarrassment.

"Janet and Matty, huh? What a shocker," she laughed, blowing a loose strand of black hair out of her face.

"Tell me about it."

Kathy picked up a cloth and started to dry her clean brushes. I kept mine underneath the tap, thinking of different ways to approach the subject.

"You know, if you want," she started, releasing her words slowly as she gazed at me with her smoldering eyes. "I could always hang with you guys. I'd hate to see you feel left out when they're smooching each other's faces off."

I laughed in relief at not having to ask, she'd simply offered it.

"We can't let them have all the fun... can we?" she whispered wickedly as she leaned forward and took the brush from my hands in what can only be described as a suggestive manner. Circling her fingers loosely around the end closest to me and slowly skimming her hold along the shaft before gripping completely at the end and pulling it off me. It was practically pornographic to my teenage mind.

And that was the start of my fling with Kathy.

I'm not going to say that I ever loved her in the same way I loved Janet, I really didn't, but she moved me in a very different way. She excited me and kept me guessing. She awoke something new in me. The desire for physical connection. I hadn't really realized its significance until she came along.

Put frankly, she made me fucking horny.

I tried to bury my head in the sand, or, more accurately, in Kathy's massive tits, when it came to Janet and Matty. It had been difficult to watch them get together in the first instance, but it was far worse watching them fall in love. That hurt more than anything. Every day they stayed together affirmed the notion that I'd never have a chance with Janet. She would never be mine, never know how much I loved her. I wished I'd been brave enough to tell her my feelings before we'd gone to Paris. I wished I'd told her after telling her Aiden and James thought she was fit, or when her dad queried whether I was gay or not... or at that childish wedding back at primary school when I'd only had the guts to tell her with that desperate squeeze that I constantly used throughout our childhood, hoping one day she'd suddenly hear me and understand its meaning. I was a coward and I hated myself for being that way.