in time // h.s.

xxi. harry

Twenty-one years old...

"Hey, mate. Look, so sorry about all this. I shouldn't have phoned you first and put you in the middle like that. I'm over at Janet's now. Wanted you to know everything's okay, we're just working and talking things through. Really want to see you before I go back. Give me a call. Oh, and thanks for looking after her. You're a true gent."

I was still in bed when he called. I'd been replaying little scenes from the previous day in my head, over and over again. I was still in disbelief that it had actually happened, that I hadn't just dreamt the whole thing. For years I'd held in my feelings and not told a soul about how I'd truly felt, too worried that I'd ruin the great thing we had going, worried that I'd be rejected if I confessed anything, not that I'd ever admitted that to myself. I'd told myself I would never get to tell her how I felt, too much time had gone by and then she was with Matty for years, so I was getting used to the fact that she'd never know the truth, that she'd never be attainable to me. I thought that ship had well and truly sailed, but then when she kept pushing me to tell her what was on my mind, pushing and pushing, I suddenly went for it. Put my cards on the table like a freshly opened deck, too tempting to ignore.

I told her everything, about how I loved her, about the squeezes, it all came tumbling out. Once I'd started I couldn't stop. I needed her to see its importance, understand that I wasn't just drunk. There she was, the love of my life, listening to my every word. Moved by what I was telling her. It was better than I'd ever imagined.

And when I kissed her? Wow. The way I felt, the emotion inside me, made everything so intense, so much better. Everything about her was as wonderful as I'd imagined. The softness of her milky-white skin, the sweetness of its taste as I ran my mouth over her body. Her voluptuous bum, her smooth breasts, her small blush nipples. I couldn't get it out of my mind. It had taken every ounce of self-control I had to stop myself from ravishing her, to take my time as I explored every square inch of her enticing body. Something I was pleased with myself for. But also, I wasn't a total rogue, there was something nagging away inside of me. Typically known to all as my conscience. I couldn't stop Matty from popping up in my brain, reminding me what a tosser I was being to him, my best mate, the guy who'd do anything for me. That was his girlfriend that I was with, and whether they were technically still together or not was beside the point. I was being an asshole. They had not been apart more than a few hours before I'd swooped in. But then, as I sat there thinking about her plump pink lips, I wondered if he would care. After all, he'd discarded her, got with someone else and talked about breaking up.

I was being ridiculous.

Of course he would care.

My blood ran cold as soon as I saw Matty's name pop up on my phone. I completely froze. I wasn't sure what to do. It was such a normal thing, him calling me, but suddenly it felt like the most alien and bizarre thing in the world to happen. My mind entered into a mad spin as I tried to work out why he could possibly be calling me.

I thought he might have found out and that was why he was phoning. I imagined maybe Janet had called and told him everything as a way of getting back at him, or something. That made me feel really sick, which was pathetic, if anything were to happen with me and Janet, which I was sure I wanted, then of course Matty was going to find out. We'd have to tell him. It was something I hadn't thought about until his name popped up. I would have to tell him and that could potentially ruin over twenty years of friendship. I could lose him. Is that what I wanted? I wondered if I loved Janet that much. I'd always thought I would sacrifice everything for love, but the reality wasn't as clear-cut. I wasn't sure if I was ready to give up on Matty, but then, I couldn't be sure if it was loyalty or guilt making me feel that way.