A Brick Wall And An Angry Redhead

Fucked Up Bond

Izzy

I can't believe all the shit that Slash has done for me in the past few hours. He's brought me breakfast, done my laundry, helped me clean that hell hole of a bathroom, washed my hair; nobody treats me this good ever. I don't even know what to say. Being with him is something I could only have dreamed about. He's so good to me and I try my hardest to be just as good as him. He brings me breakfast and I replace his broken guitar strings with the only pack of extras I have. He steals little things for me that he knows I like: deodorant and chocolate and antibiotic cream for our fingers so they don't get infected when the strings slice them open.

When we go out with the others he's not trying to hide our relationship now that they know, he's affectionate and open and loyal. He won't pick up a girl without asking and if he can tell I'm not happy about it he doesn't go home with her. I try and give him the same respect. None of the rest of the guys except Axl has really given us any grief over our relationship. They seem pretty cool with it. The five of us have a reputation around town for brawling in bars and other places anyway so nobody fucks with us. When we're alone Slash is sweet and easy to talk to. He makes sure I have whatever I need and says nothing about it. For the first time in my life I find myself doing the same thing. I've never loved anyone the way I love him; not ever.

I know I'm hurting him though because I haven't told him what Axl and I were talking about the other day when Axl caught us together. I can see the hurt in his eyes every now and then; especially when he catches me sitting and staring at nothing while I'm thinking about it. I haven't thought about that night with Axl in years but now it's like I can't see him without thinking about it. All the pain, both the physical and the emotional pain slam into me every time Axl looks at me. Axl knows it too and he's doing his best to avoid me. But I'll catch him staring at me from across the room; he looks away when I make eye contact. So not only is my relationship with my lover fucked up but my relationship with Axl is too. How do I tell Slash that I was once in love with Axl? How do I tell him that when I finally told Axl and kissed him that Axl went nuts and attacked me? Slash will kill him and I mean that literally! He'll never understand that Axl wasn't in his right mind; he'll never understand that even then I didn't blame Axl. Fuck, I can't even explain it to myself other than I know that deep down inside Axl really is crazy and that I broke him a little that night and he broke me and that for some reason I love Axl even more for it. We shared the pain of that night both for what we did and what was done to us and in some fucked up, twisted way it bonded us for life; but as brothers, friends, something; but not as lovers. We both realized that night that we could never be together no matter how we felt. Axl didn't love me the way I loved him and he never would. But he loved me and needed me as his friend. I'll never forget how he cried for hours after he came to his senses and realized what he'd done to me; how he'd held me and begged me not to hate him, how he didn't know what he was doing, how he couldn't even remember. I'd lain in his arms sobbing, my body torn and bleeding, my heart shattered into tiny fragments of nothing and blackness in my chest. We lay there curled around each other; both of us destroyed and at our most vulnerable. I'd admitted how I loved him and he had admitted his insanity; both of us sharing the most vulnerable and darkest parts of ourselves, revealing to each other the one thing in each of us that could destroy us. It was a night that was both horrible and beautiful in its awfulness and Axl and I shared the pain of it. I loved Axl even more for it, how fucking messed up is that? How could I explain to Slash, the light of my life that Axl and I were bonded forever in darkness? I couldn't so I didn't.

Slash and I spent the morning cleaning the apartment; ordered about by Sergeant Duff and we were finally done. I want him, I wanted to bend him over and take him in the shower, and now, a couple of hours later I want him even more. Both because I want to fuck him silly and because I'm craving the intimacy. Being inside of his body gets me inside of his heart as well and I'm dying to be there. We walk back into our bedroom and as soon as he shuts the door I pounce on him throwing him onto the bed. He laughs and wraps his arms around me and pulls me down towards his mouth. I kiss him, enjoying the softness of his lips and the warm, gentle caresses of his tongue. Jesus I want him so much; I don't know how I'm going to even get through the foreplay. I kiss down his neck and lick up the curve of his ear and he whimpers. "Slash, do you know how much I love you?