A Brick Wall And An Angry Redhead

Eavesdropping on a Memory

Axl's POV

I heard them last night, Slash and Izzy fucking making love or whatever it is they want to call it. Sick fucking gay shit, but why can't I stop listening? I had my fucking ear pressed up against the wall for over an hour listening to them. Slash's quiet moaning, Izzy's quiet murmurs, I could hear it all and I fucking hated it. I wanted to break their fucking door down and beat the shit out of them until they shut the hell up but it wasn't because what they were doing disgusted me; it was because I wanted to be Slash, well not be him exactly, just be in his position which happened to be underneath Izzy.

I know it's fucking sick that I want Izzy when I could have had him years ago but went psycho on him instead. All I remember about that night was Izzy, who was drunk as fuck wrapping his arms around my waist and ducking his head to kiss me. His lips were so soft and it just felt right; so naturally I punched him so hard that I knocked one of his teeth loose. The next thing I remember is sitting in front of Izzy, who was balled up on the floor with his pants around his knees bleeding and shaking.I was even more weirded out by the fact that my pants were around my knees and my dick was covered in blood and cum and shit. It took about 30 seconds for me to realize that I had obviously fucked him. Had he wanted me to? I didn't fucking remember which scared the shit out of me. My heart was pounding, I was starting to panic; what did I just do to Izzy? Izzy was my best friend, what had just happened? Did I hurt Izzy?

The panic started to overtake me and I remember that I was shaking and crying; absolutely terrified and knowing that I had most likely just done something terrible to the one person in the world who loved me despite and maybe actually because of who I was. I remember calling out his name and bursting into tears. He sat up immediately and punched me; splitting the skin on my cheek he hit me so hard. I remember there was yelling and then finally he let me put my arms around him and he pulled me into his chest, cradling me like a baby and stroking my hair; whispering to me, telling me to calm down. Then he started crying, sobbing these huge gasping sobs; and all I could do was wrap my arms around him and hold on for dear life. I mean there's no handbook for what to do after you fuck your best friend halfway against his will. I know it's what he wanted when he kissed me; but not like that.

I don't know how long we lay there on the floor of that shack where we hung out all time but I DO know that what happened that night was the most fucked up thing ever. I broke something in Izzy that night I've never been able to fix. It's not a fixable kind of thing.

I think someone else broke him even more than I did later; sometimes he gets this terrified, far-away look in his eyes and gets really jumpy and it seems to come out of nowhere so who knows what sets it off but something happened to him sometime after I hurt him. I know I caused the initial damage though but whatever happened to him later seems to have been pretty bad too because his eyes are so haunted and they weren't always like that. But since he's been with Slash that look in his eyes is fading, it's like he's found some sort of peace and I hate Slash for it because I want to be the one to give him that. I want to be the one to soothe his heart and chase away whatever demons he's facing. But he won't let me be theat person for him, he only has eyes for our pretty little lead guitarist and I. Hate. That. I sigh and lean my head against the wall and take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself so I won't go into the next room and kill Slash for being what I can never be for Izzy.

My thoughts drift back to that night that Izzy and I fucked; after that it was like we couldn't stay away from each other but both of us were constantly drunk or high on pot. The most fucked up thing was that after what I did, after I called Izzy a faggot and beat him and forced myself on him I found myself wanting him. I wouldn't admit it to myself then but I was falling in love with him but it was too late; I'd already destroyed his love for me. I tried, I followed him around like a lost puppy but it just made him angry; pushed him even further away.

So I did what I do best: I fucked shit up even more. I wanted Izzy, but I couldn't have him so I started sweet talking one of the only openly gay kids in town. One afternoon I brought him to the old hunting shack in the woods where Izzy and I hung out all the time while we were skipping school or hiding from our parents. I knew Izzy would show up there after school so I got the kid to cut class with me so that I would be there before Izz. Sure enough he walked in to find rutting like dogs on the dirt floor. He didn't say a word; he just looked at me with those soulful eyes full of pain and turned around and walked out.

It was the revenge I wanted but I felt terrible about it. What the fuck is wrong with me? I hurt him; he reacts totally normally by shutting me out so I hurt him again. What's wrong with me that I can't understand or handle other people's feelings? All I ever want to do is hurt people. I do it to everyone. Even my current girlfriend Erin; I do things to hurt her all time. Why do I even have a girlfriend? All I ever feel towards her is hatred because she's not Izzy, unless I'm fucking her in which case I'm suddenly madly in love with her. I hurt everybody I love, my family, Erin, Izzy...

But Izzy hurt me too; one day Izzy was just gone. He left for LA and didn't even say goodbye. To any normal person this would be a sign that they weren't wanted. Izzy was trying to get away from me; chasing our mutual dream of making it in the music business. But I didn't care if he didn't want me; I wanted him so I followed him. When I showed up on his doorstep a few months later he looked like he was going to be sick. He didn't tell me to leave; he just left me alone in his apartment for half the night and went and got fucked up. That's what he does now; if he doesn't want to feel pain he slips a needle into his veins and drifts away. I hate it but I know part of it is my own damn fault; not that I'll admit that to him. I'll just call him a piece of shit junkie instead. It's easier than admitting I drove him to the heroin and the booze. I never said a word to Izzy about how I felt about him, I just pretended it never happened; we both did until I caught him and Slash with their pants down in the alley behind the Roxy.

I was so disgusted by the sight of the two of them; disgusted and turned on and angry! Izzy wanted someone else besides me and that fucking ripped my heart out and I hate feeling pain so I turn it into anger. The fact that Izzy flat out turned me down later that week when I tried to kiss him has only served to fuel my rage. I will destroy whatever is between Izzy and Slash; I'll leave them just as broken as I am. But right now I can't stop listening to what's happening between them in the next room.

Izzy had been singing to Slash, he was singing "Wild Horses" but the words were different, he changed them so that they were about him and Slash. Then there was some disgusting lovey –dovey bullshit conversation between them which ended in what I can only imagine was sucking face. Now they're fucking; only it isn't fucking, Izzy's for real making love to that curly haired little punk. I can hear Slash whimper and moan and the vibrations of Izzy's voice. I can hear his declarations of love and his promises that it will last forever. I can her Izzy sigh when Slash does something he likes and his deep groans and words of encouragement when Slash takes him into his mouth. Then I hear them shift on the bed and Slash gasps. I picture Izzy pushing his fingers inside of him, stretching him open and touching Slash's prostate; causing the sudden intake of breath I just heard.
Then Slash hisses and Izzy's groaning quietly and I know Izzy just slid his dick into Slash. Imagining Izzy's cock pushing slowly into Slash's asshole makes my own dick throb with need and I start to stroke myself as I listen to Izzy fuck his lover. As Slash's moans and Izzy's cries get louder and needier my own excitement grows. I don't know what Izzy's doing but Slash is loving it, begging for more and whimpering with every squeak of the bedsprings. When I hear him cry out Izzy's name as he cums, shortly followed by Izzy's own ecstatic moans I let go and cum with them, every sound they make adding to my own pleasure. I bite down on my lip to stifle my own groans of pleasure as I explode into my own hand. When my breathing slows I'm not happy. I feel like such a loser listening to my best friend fuck another man and jerking off to it. I want to be that other man; and if I can't be then I'll be with him. If I can't have Izzy then the least I can do is take Slash from him. Sounds like he's a pretty good fuck anyway.