War of Hormone

Lost

Once Seokjin reaches the comfort of his own apartment again and the door falls shut behind him he almost drops to the floor with his back pressed against the wall. He is still breathing heavily from having run almost the whole way and his heart is racing in his chest for more than just that reason. There was no real reason for him to run but once he started there was no real stopping anymore. Something inside of him just decided that it was the moment to either fight or run away. And Seokjin had decided to run, as long and as fast as he possibly could.

He completely overreacted.

Seokjin is very much aware that his reaction was completely over the top, unreasonable, maybe even ridiculous. Well, not just maybe. He literally freaked out just because Namjoon called him cute. He didn't insult him, didn't harass him, didn't do anything that would for any logical reason be off limits. He called him cute and Seokjin freaked out. Because in that exact moment he realised that he didn't like how this situation made him feel. Because he enjoyed it. And he wasn't supposed to enjoy something like that. Seokjin never saw himself as the type of guy who would enjoy being pinned down on someone else's bed. He is not the kind of guy to suck on someone's thumb like a submissive little bitch. He was supposed to be the one to pin the other down.

Seokjin needs to be the one that is in charge. He needs to feel like he is in control. If he loses control he feels uncomfortable and lost. It's always been like that. He got so used to being on his own, to being able to deal with everything on his own that he can't imagine having to lean on someone else ever again. It scares him. The thought of not being in full control of the situation is fucking terrifying to Seokjin.

And the fact that he actually enjoyed not being in control for a second is even more terrifying. Because not having to think about anything felt good. Giving over control felt good. Just leaning back and letting Namjoon take the lead made Seokjin feel a kind of inner calm he hasn't felt in forever. And at the same time, it scared the shit out of him. And that combination made him snap at the smallest thing. Just a stupid little word. One that was not even meant to insult. One that was probably meant as a compliment.

Cute.

That is a word he has heard a couple of times. And by now he read it even more than he is able to count. Because it pops up in his chat during shows all the time. Even when Jin isn't doing anything that he would consider to be even remotely cute. There is nothing cute about gagging on a vibrator because someone told him to demonstrate his deepthroating skills. There is nothing cute about the painful whines he makes when he's trying to fuck himself just a little harder than he likes it, for the pleasure of some random strangers observing him. There is nothing cute about the things Jin does on camera. There is nothing cute about him at all.

Cute.

Weak and fragile things are cute. Submissive toy boys are cute. Dimples are cute. Seokjin is not cute. He doesn't want to be. He doesn't like the sound of the word. He doesn't like how it makes him think about things that are soft and feminine and fragile. Because Seokjin doesn't want to be any of these things. He doesn't want to give up control. Doesn't want to submit to anyone. Because it scares him. And knowing how good it felt to not be in control for a second somehow makes it even scarier. Because it challenges everything Seokjin thought he knew about himself.

And he doesn't like it. He doesn't like it at all.

Jin thought about skipping the show this week. He really didn't feel like exposing himself to all these creepy people watching him and leaving their weird comments after what just happened a couple of days ago. But he has to pay rent after all and so he ended up in front of a webcam yet again.