Seokjin cancels his show that Sunday. On Saturday afternoon he posts a small message saying that he doesn't feel well, which is not even really a lie. He feels horrible. Some people reply to that comment, tell him to get well soon. Some others complain about him cancelling the show. Seokjin doesn't really care either way. So far he's only cancelled a show twice. One time because his webcam spontaneously stopped working completely and another time because he was really too sick to even do anything. Jin has made shows while sick, has sat down in front of the camera with his nose red and stuffy and his head pounding because he needs to do this. As long as he can sit up in his bed he's going to put on his damn show. But today is an exception.
Seokjin is sitting on his bed, knees hugged to his chest, staring at the wall, some song that he likes is playing on repeat. The same song over and over again. At this point, it doesn't even sound like music anymore. The lyrics don't sound like words anymore. It's just comforting white noise to fill the silence. Normally Jin would start his show around now. Normally he'd put on his fake smile now and act cute for a horny audience that couldn't care less about even trying to see through that fake smile of his, maybe it's always been obviously fake from the start, they just didn't bother. But Namjoon did bother. And Seokjin can't bring himself to keep up his act anymore. He's been cracking in front of the webcam. In front of Namjoon. Namjoon has been slowly tearing down the walls Seokjin built up to hide himself behind his fake persona. But Namjoon has managed to make Jin break character again and again. He's made him laugh about his stupid jokes, he has made him admit to his feelings, well almost, he's made him show some of his vulnerability. Namjoon has made Seokjin fall in love with him and that is something he can't deal with.
They haven't spoken a word to each other since Monday.
Of course Namjoon has tried to contact him. He's send several messages. Seokjin has left him on read. He thought about replying. Texting back some sort of apology. Telling Namjoon that he just needs some time to figure this out. Some space to think. But he can't bring himself to text anything back. He fears that at this point everything he says will only make the situation worse. He doesn't want to make this any more complicated than it already is. Even though ignoring Namjoon's texts is probably also not really making this any better. Maybe it would be better to just block Namjoon's number. Never contact him again. Pretend this never happened. Move on. Forget about him. Let go. But Seokjin knows that he can't bring himself to do that either. So he is trapped somewhere in the limbo, one step away from hell. Too afraid to actually contact Namjoon again, yet also not wanting to lose contact. But sooner or later that decision will be taken away from him. Sooner or later Namjoon will get sick of waiting for Seokjin to finally muster up the courage to reply something. Sooner or later he will leave. But at least Seokjin won't have to be the one to say goodbye.
Namjoon also texted on Saturday. Right after Seokjin made his announcement that the show would be cancelled. It was a rather long text that Seokjin couldn't read completely. Even if he tried, he only managed to get about halfway through until he had to stop reading. Just skimming through it had already made him feel sick enough to justify cancelling the show. Because as usual Namjoon just had to be his awful understanding and compassionate self. He told Seokjin not to cancel the show because of what happened. Told him that he wouldn't watch it if it's because of that. Told him that he understands. Yet he clearly doesn't understand. If he understood he would know that it's not him that is the problem. It's literally everyone else. Everyone else except for Namjoon is the problem. Namjoon might have been the one small stone that started the avalanche but he has never been the problem. The problem has always been Seokjin himself. Namjoon has only made him realise that. And he hates him for it just as much as he loves him.
Seokjin has never thought he could really fall in love. Especially fall in love so quickly. How long has it been? Maybe a month or so. They only talked a couple of times. Probably kissed more than they talked. They never talked enough. There is so much more they should have said. There is so much left unsaid between them. They had sex without knowing what it meant. And they still haven't figured out what it means. Seokjin still doesn't know what kind of relationship Namjoon wants to have. He doesn't know what kind of relationship he himself wants to have. Is this still just a sugar daddy thing? Has it ever been just a sugar daddy thing? If Seokjin can't figure out what they are than maybe they have been nothing to begin with. Maybe there is nothing to figure out after all. Maybe it's all pointless. Everything. All of his efforts. Maybe he's been coping on his own but he's never really been doing good. He's been craving for someone to come along and help him, but now finds himself unable to accept that help. Too proud, too insecure. It's weird how a person can be both at the same time. It doesn't make sense. Seokjin doesn't understand himself, so how can he expect anyone else to actually understand him? How can he be honest with Namjoon, when he's constantly lying to himself?
YOU ARE READING
War of Hormone
أدب الهواة"Becoming a camboy had never been Seokjin's first choice." In which Jin is a camboy trying to pay for rent and tuition and Namjoon is a rich brat who likes to play sugar daddy. And nothing is really like it seems.
