Like We Used To

Five

"Will he love you like I loved you? Will he tell you every day? Will he make you feel like you're invincible with every word he'll say?"

February 24, 2018, Confidently Kisses Concert

"Oh my gosh! What a pleasant surprise, Donny!" Someone shouted kaya naman napalingon ako.

"Wow, Ang effort ni kyah."

"Baka gusto niya talaga si Kisses?" I heard someone from the back. "He would not come here kung hindi, right?"

"Sabagay, Kisses is too precious kaya kailangan pahalagahan."

I sighed and looked around the KIA Theater. I saw Donny looking at her; I saw how happy he was. Is this some kind of rivalry? 'Cause I am not a fan of this kind of story.

"The moment that you ignored her, someone out there is more than willing to treat her right." My father said.

"But I am not ignoring her, dad." I defended myself. "I had to do this."

"Sure," He shrugged. "But, the moment you start treating her like shit, someone out there wants to be with her so she could be happy."

"Do I really treat her like shit?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Ask yourself."

"I'm just saving her from the hates, dad."

"How many times have you told yourself that you have to do this and that, Edward?"

I sighed, "Dad.."

"You don't get it, Edward." He said. "You said you were saving her; but the truth? You're not saving her. You're breaking her."

In that moment, alam ko na sa sarili ko na pinakawalan ko na siya. Pinakawalan ko na 'yung taong handang mahalin ako sa kabila ng mga flaws ko. Am I that stupid to choose fame over love?

I looked at her while she's performing; I smiled when I saw happiness on her face. I know, we all know that she will never be a perfect person. She really has dark sides; she overthinks, every time. She always feels like she is not good enough. But the truth is, her smile and laughs are more than enough for me.

I looked at Donny again; I stared at him for a while. Realization's creeping me out. He's smitten; he's in love with her, because I know that look. I should know kasi ganoon ako sa kanya.

I saw her looking at him; she laughs at him kahit hindi sila magkalapit. I looked down, hindi ko pa kayang makita siya na pinapasaya ng iba. Masyadong masakit. I wanted to cry, pero para saan? Para kaawaan niya? Para ipakita na mali ako? Halo halong emosyon pero iisa lang din ang patutunguhan; ang mawasak ako ng buong buo.

I sighed; napaka-selfish ko kung gagawin koi yon. She deserves all the happiness in the world. I do regret why I let her go pero alam ko.. alam ko na, it's time. It's time to surrender, to give up the fight. Kasi I am not right the person for her. At masasaktan ko lang siya lalo kapag pinagpatuloy ko pa ang laban.

"You okay?" Kristine asked.

"Yeah."

"Sus, sakin ka pa ba magsisinungaling?" Aniya. "I've been with you since day one kaya alam kong may problema."

Tiningnan ko siya, "I had to give up the fight, Kristine."

"Hindi ganyan ang Edward na nakilala ko." Aniya. "Bakit mo isusuko?"

"Kasi masyado ng masakit. Masyado na akong nagiging selfish."

Napailing siya, "Mas masasaktan siya sa ginagawa mo."

Mas pinili ko nalang ang manahimik; hindi naman kasi nila ako maiintindihan eh. Kasi ang akala nila ganoon kadaling ilaban ang isang bagay na sinukuan ka na. Sabi nila ipaglaban mo hangga't mahal mo; pero paano kung hindi na ikaw ang mahal?

"Donny. Can we talk?"

I asked nung nasa labas na kami ng KIA theater.

Nakakunot noo siyang nakapatingin sa akin. "About what?"

"Her."

He chuckled. "You sure you wanna talk about her?"

Napakunot noo ako. "Of course."

"Do you know na gustong gusto kitang sapakin ngayon?" Aniya. "I want to erase that painful experience you gave her." He scoffs, "I wanna raise hell for her; but I don't even know where to start."

I sighed. "She'll moved on from me, Donny. She'll forget about me."

"Ya think that's easy?" He raised his eyebrow. "Her feelings for you might be gone but the scars you made are still there."

"I... uh, I know." I said and looked down. "If I could take that away? I will gladly do."

"No, thanks." He said and punched me straight to the face, "The pain you've caused her is enough."

I smiled kahit ang sakit ng suntok niya, "Take care of her. Love her as much as you love yourself; give her the love I failed to give.. and she's worth the wait."

He smirks. "You don't have to tell me that, Edward. I am more than willing to give my everything just to make her happy." He looked at me. "And, yeah. She is worth the wait. She will always be." I said while staring at her with a smile with my a smile on my face. "I am willing to wait for her, Edward."

He taps my shoulder, "Good for you, then."

I turned my back and started to walk away. I closed my eyes and let myself broke from the reality. I can't stand seeing her being with another man. No, I can't..

As I got to the parking lot, I broke down. I cried till my heart calm down.

May 01, 2018, Kisses Birthday

I wanna greet her; personal man o sa text I would love to do it. Pero I'm scared, I'm scared na baka masaktan ko ulit siya. So, I just prayed and thank Him for taking care of Kisses and making her wish come true. I am so proud and happy for everything she has now.

But for the longest time, I still feel the excruciating pain. Kasi I have been holding onto the relationship that's bound to brea. As time goes by, I have learned to accept the things that I cannot change and seeing her happy with him is fine with me. I can now tolerate the pain but not to the extent na I will be with them on the same room.

But nevertheless, I wish that Donny will love her unconditionally.