Untameable (BWWM)

Chapter 12

I intended to take a short nap, hoping to speed up this barbecue thing but I wound up laying in bed, all by my lonesome with longing weighing heavy on my chest.

I could admit to myself that I missed him. A lot. But at the same time, I hated him with a burning passion and it was becoming impossible to tell which emotion was the more prominent.

I despised being away from him but when he's near, I'm desperate for him to leave. It was all so confusing.

I never believed being in love with a moron would be such an emotional headache. God, if I could go back in time.

I laid there for more than an hour. I wasn't too sure of the time since I was too lazy to even look at my phone but at long last, the sun finally began to disappear beyond the horizon and soon it would dark. And soon, I would be home.

With him.

Being left alone forced my mind to wonder from thoughts of G, to those of J'Marion and this has been a reoccurring thing since he came into my store.

Currently, I felt nothing for my ex other than genuine curiosity. The day he left my store, I quickly searched his Facebook and Insta and as expected, it didn't tell much. Neither of us were ever big on social media. His most recent posts were photos from different parts of the country. By recent, I meant within the last seven years. From the looks of it, he'd been to most states near by and did minor travelling outside of that.

I pulled out my phone and started going through his images again. Like before, I felt nothing much regarding romantic feelings nor was I really expecting to so I didn't understand why I kept having to explain to myself how I felt.

He's so good-looking, I thought to myself.

His smile was enough to blind the sharpest eyes and his skin... The man was the definition of gorgeous and truth be told he always has been. I was literally mesmerised and didn't even realise I'd scrolled all the way back to photos from four years ago.

It was then that the inevitable began. Grant versus J'Marion. The comparison that I saw coming soon after he left. I tried to avoid it but given the current circumstances of my 'marriage', it was impossible.

I had to be honest with myself. J'Marion was everything I wanted on paper. Black, educated, and successful. He was the black Ken I dreamed of and desired for myself since my preadolescence and I couldn't help but wonder why he couldn't have been the one for me.

I was still very happy with Grant. I couldn't imagine living without him as my partner. Despite it all, there's something that I'm not entirely satisfied with and it wasn't until J'Marion's arrival that I've felt this way.

I couldn't put my finger on it. It was almost like being in a nonexistent love triangle and that was perhaps the silliest thing my idle mind had conjured. All things considered, who even knew how long he'd be in town? If it were only for the holiday, I was unlikely to see J'Marion for another while and by then, he just might be living his happily ever after with someone else.

I locked my phone and rested it on the mattress. Daydreaming about J'Marion was a waste of time and energy I could be investing into my fraud of a marriage.

It was officially nighttime and the festivities of outside continued to bustle about in preparation of the anticipated firework show. I had half a mind to stay in and watch them from the bedroom but my Mom would never let me hear the end of it and I was starting to get hungry.

I didn't want to have to face Grant in front of all those people, either and it was difficult for me to obscure my current disdain for him in front of others. Usually, I would be seated in his lap or the two of us would be sharing a plate of food. Laughing. Touching. Kissing.