What's The Point? - NCIS Fan-fiction

Chapter 5

What’s The Point?

Chapter 5

Tony was embarrassed. No, scratch that. He was mortified. He nearly shot himself in front of Gibbs and then cried in front of him! In front of the man he looked up to! This was why he was now silently playing with a bowl of cereal, not actually eating anything. And this sorta scared Gibbs. He knew how embarrassed Tony probably was. He was one of the very few people that knew how self-conscious Tony was, despite how confident he made everyone think he was. Tony and Gibbs both knew that they would have to talk about last night, even though neither of them really wanted to.

“Tony,” Gibbs started. “About last night…” he was cut off when Tony interrupted him. 

“Yeah, yeah. I know. I’m fucked in the head, and belong in the loony bin.” Gibbs moved over to stand in front of Tony, and put his hands on the younger man’s shoulders, and said sternly,

“You are not fucked up! I promise you that. I can also promise you, that you don’t belong in the ‘loony bin’.” Tony looked at him sceptically.

“Sure, if it helps you sleep at night.” Tony replied. Gibbs probably burst out laughing at that statement, if he didn’t feel like crying. Tony actually believed he belonged in a psych ward.

“Tony,” Gibbs tried again. “You. Don’t. Belong. There. You belong here.” He stated softly, but firmly. “Ok?” Tony looked away, and nodded slowly. Gibbs led him into the living room and placed him on the couch, and then crouching in front of him.

“Why, Tony?” he asked quietly. “Why would you feel that shooting yourself was the only answer, instead of coming to me?” Tony looked at him sadly for a moment, and then looked away, turning his glance back to the floor. When he didn’t answer, Gibbs asked,

“Did I do something, Tony?”

Tony took a shaky breath, before saying,

“I-I dunno…last month my father called…” Gibbs placed a comforting hand on Tony’s knee.

“What did he say Tony?” he asked after a moment, when Tony didn’t continue. Tony took a deep breath again.

“He started by saying my…my, err, my uncle Patrick passed away.” Gibbs frowned. “You didn’t request any personal days.” Gibbs wondered aloud. “Funeral had been and gone a week before.” Tony quickly explained quickly, before carrying on. “After that, he asked how work was. Which I thought was strange, since he has never asked about work before. So I told him about getting the plague a few years ago, and about Commander Voss, and what, um, happened to, err, Kate.” He said sadly, with a haunted look in his eyes, before continuing. “Also about Ziva, saving her from Somalia and Saleem, and of course the most recent event, Lieutenant Williamson deciding I looked like a good…subject…to test his killing skills on.” He said grimly, but still quietly. Gibbs started rubbing his hand lightly in circles on Tony’s knee.

“What did your father say, Tony?” he asked, noticing he was swallowing hard, had a little pool of tears in his eyes, and was avoiding looking at him.

“He, um, said that, um, all the stuff that happened, I deserved. Said it all happened because I shouldn’t have become a cop.” He swallowed again before continuing. “And, he had the nerve to insult Kate! Said she died ‘cause she knew me!” he shouted angrily. Gibbs wanted to kill DiNozzo Senior. Gibbs was about to say something, when Tony continued in a soft voice.

“I hung up on him, after he insulted Kate’s memory, and ever since then, he’s called every day, insulting Katie, you, the team, NCIS, cops…me.” He whispered. “Then,” he continued louder, “My mom’s death anniversary was the other day. You told me I had to re-do my report for a second time, I dunno, I guess…I guess I just snapped.” He sounded ashamed. “You seemed to really hate me that day, Boss…why?” Tony asked, almost shyly. Gibbs sighed.

“I noticed something was affecting you, so had Ziva, McGee, Abby and Ducky. Even Jimmy had also noticed. They were bugging me about it. So I was trying to pry it out of you by being a bastard.” Gibbs admitted. “Guess that backfired.” He watched as Tony turned a shade of red, and looked away from Gibbs.

“Tony?” Gibbs asked. Tony turned to look at him slowly.

“Yeah?” he whispered.

“How long have you been…self-harming?” he asked gently. Tony looked down, and mumbled something, but Gibbs couldn’t catch it.

“What was that Tony?” Tony glanced up at him.

“Since I was twelve.” He whispered. To say that Gibbs was shocked would be an understatement.

‘Twelve…that’s…twenty three years! Holy…’ Gibbs thought to himself.

“Oh, Tony…” he said, moving to sit next to Tony on the sofa, pulling him into his side. Tony leaned into the embrace. “May I ask why?” he asked softly. Tony shrugged.

“Some people have alcohol. You have your boat. I have a blade. Way of coping, I guess.” Tony replied sadly, leaning his head on Gibbs’ shoulder. “When you saw me cutting in the bathroom, I couldn’t deal with it.” Gibbs was confused.

“Deal with what, son?” Tony turned his head to look at him.

“You knowing my secret.” When Tony saw the confusion in his mentor’s eyes, he explained. “The all mighty, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, knowing his Senior Agent cutting himself. Has been for the last twenty years. I do it, but not just to cope, Gibbs.” he said. “Also for the control. The only thing I can control is my body; no-one else has control over it, and I can do what I want with it. All through boarding school, I had my blade, for control, because at boarding school, they tell you when to eat, when to have fun, and when to sleep. The only thing they couldn’t do was tell me what to do with my body.” Gibbs nodded slowly, understanding what he had been told. “So when you saw me, I figured you would make me get help, shove me in rehab or something. I would have lost all of my control. I can’t do that.” He ended in a whisper, turning his head into Gibbs’ shoulder, taking shaky breaths. Gibbs could feel wetness on his neck. He wrapped his arms tightly around Tony.

“I know that you need control Tony, but you understand that I can’t let you keep cutting yourself.” He said gently. Tony nodded against him. “Good.” He soothed, caressing Tony’s hair. “We will find you another way to have control. I promise. You are the strongest man I know, so you will get through this.” He kissed the top of Tony’s head.