Oh, The Places In My Head

April 4th 2017

A silence in the night
then all of a sudden
a creak in the floor
anxiety is like Santa Claus
bringing doubt into my head
my thoughts eat it up
like they havnt tasted food in 6 months
when thoughts come
depression and insecurity want in on the feast
suicidal thoughts making me wanna put that razor into my wrist
let it bleed all the hope out of me

I didn't know that crimson was the color of hopelessness
I didn't know that my eyes
are the one way glass
between you and my past,
you can't see it
but on the inside
its kinda like a Nazi camp
everything I love is getting shot,
And hope is the only thing still on the run

when you ask if I'm okay
And I snap because how much I hold in
they call it a mood disorder I
don't know why they call it a disorder
I'm just like you just scared and confused
I just wanna say Fuck this world and gimme a rope
but you see
I'll probably choke on my pride
trying to love you
that'll be my last mistake
until a bullet replaces that part of my brain
they call being alive

you see I'm not normal,
I see beauty in everything
because I know how rock bottom feels
starting at 13 years old
a person shouldn't have to have this haunt them their whole life.

I have scars still you can see
if the light shines just right,
I have this self conscious about how I am,
when I hear the word "cut"
my wrists still tingle
I am not Normal
So before you say you want to be apart of my life,
just know this is a ride made in hell,
And I'm sorry in advance
I can't tell if you wanna hurt me worse
or try to help,
overall it's better
just to get the hell out.