should i be here | bts.

| 10 |

In the car, all I could talk about how full I was and how tired I was. All I wanted is sleep.

I went to my Facebook to see what everyone was up to now that I was gone. The family was tagging me in pictures we had taken together and I came across multiple articles about me. It's weird that the articles are just pouring in on me joining the band, I mean I was in an interview a few weeks ago.

I clicked on one that had the headline: "New BTS Member... And It's A Girl?!". The thumbnail was a picture of me from the interview twiddling my thumbs. There wasn't really anything on me if I were to summarize this it would be: "There is a new BTS member and it's a girl. omg." I didn't really care unless they're going to make an attempt at trying to do some research. I clicked out of the link to see the reaction on the post: Angry, Wow, and Likes. I scrolled through the comments:

Sharyl Cooper: Why did they get a new member. She's probably useless.

Jenavive Smith: She better stay away from my oppa!

And so on. I just laughed it off in my head because I didn't want anyone knowing what kind of hate I was getting.

I scrolled until we got back to the hotel and we got to our rooms. I decided to go through Instagram now because, why not? I scrolled through the comments of my personal favorite BTS fan pages and smiled at how much nicer people on here are than Facebook. Now Twitter. There are so many fanwars and drama on Twitter that I usually can't handle, but I have to check now. There were already fan pages made for me when I searched my name and they were short clips and pictures of me on their pages. When I had been looking through my feed, I received a message from the group chat I'm in on there. It was my internet friend Hailey. She had said that someone sent me a death threat. I sent her a stupid meme and then brushed it off until she had actually sent me the tweet that had been posted a week ago. I stared at the tweet in disbelief.

"Hyung?" I was debating whether or not I should tell him. Yes? No. Yes.

"I Uhm." I stared at my phone.

"I uhm. Got a death threat." Tears welled up in my eyes. Yoongi stood up and walked over to where I was sitting on my bed and took my phone to look at it. He looked up from it and turned it off and sat next to me and held me as I cried lifelessly into his chest, soaking his shirt's shoulder in tears. His arm moved to pull out his phone to text Namjoon. I heard the door open 3 minutes later and heard multiple footsteps, it wasn't just Joon, but everyone. I felt an aura of warmth and sympathy form around me as I was hugged and felt the most love I have for a while.

"y/n, it's going to be okay. We won't let anything happen to you." Jin said while sitting behind me while my face was still on Yoongi's shoulder, just with my eyes closed breathing heavily. My lips were chapped and I wanted to fall asleep. That's all. I started drifting to sleep when I felt a hand on my back. I sat up with my face very puffy and red because of how much I had cried. It was Jungkook.

"You want to sleep in my room tonight? Tae can come sleep in here." I nodded and stood up and went to go get my things and get ready to go to Kookie-hyungs room.

I had everything in my bag and ready to switch rooms for the last night back in Humboldt. Walking out the door with my phone in hand, the group chat had been texting the most they had been in a while since they knew I had to work multiple hours of the day. I clicked on the 'silent' button and just stared at the ground and listened to my suitcase roll. I started zigzagging across the hall and getting dizzy and tired. I was having an anxiety attack. I grabbed on to Jungkook and still didn't say anything while my head started beating with pain.

We got to the door finally and I dropped my bag as soon as we got in the door and laid down and turned my ringer back on. I buried my face into the pillows and decided to flip back over and look at my phone.

Hailey: Why would someone do this? It's so messed up!

Joey: pfft. I bet they're just jealous

Ellie: well this is pretty ducking serious guys. They haven't let out a plan, so we have no warning.

I watched as more and more messages came in and then I decided to reply as Jungkook rolled into bed with me and pulled me into him. I replied with: "Guys, I'll be fine. I hope. But I'm always working and I don't really go anywhere besides the studio and home. Plus I'm in Cali right now. I'll be fine." I put down my phone, it buzzing with more excitement. I rolled over in Jungkook's arms and realized he was shirtless and had just taken a shower. He pulled me closer to his chest and carefully brush his fingers through my hair. We drifted off to sleep together and my phone went off at 3:45 a.m. It was time to get ready. I pushed myself away from my hyung and got dressed, as well as check all of my messages from last night. They had been up all night trying to figure out who this person was. I texted back: 'why don't one of you just pretend to be their friend and try to figure out their plan?' I threw my phone back onto the bed and then went back into Jungkook's arms.

A couple minutes later, I heard a knock on the door.

"I'll get it," Jungkook stood up and moved away from me and went to go answer the door. When the door opened, it was Jin telling us to get ready. I rolled over and walked over to the door and poked my head under Jungkook's arm to face Jin. He looked at me with a smile of sympathy.

"How are you holding up y/n?" He asked me as he stepped into the room and Kook had walked away to go get ready. I shrugged at his question.

"I could be better, but life is life. Just another pothole." I forced a smile as I sat down. We sat in silence until Jungkook had come out from taking a shower and getting dressed. It amazed me at how much older Kookie-hyung looked with his hair parted and his forehead showing. I stared at him as if he wasn't the Jungkook I had known for the past month and slept with last night.

"What is it? Is something wrong?" Jungkook said looking down at his outfit.

"O- o- oh, no. You look fine. It's just," I paused and stared at him blankly for a couple seconds longer, "It's just that, you look older now. Not in a bad way. But older." He nodded with what I was saying.

It was now 4:28 a.m., and I never thought I would want to leave home more and go home and practice and just sit in my studio with music playing and write my music. I just want to be back in Seoul. I don't want to be here anymore. The worst things happen to me here. In Seoul, I don't have my dad throwing my mental stability against the wall and stepping on it; there, the company and the band care and know what's best for me and let me choose what is also best for me. You know what? I'm not coming back unless it's for holidays or a concert. And if my dad wants to make contact with me, he can if he's going to apologize for how he treated me.

"You ready to go?" Jin asked as I was lost in my thoughts of not coming back unless it was for business, holidays, or alone and no one knows for an appointment. I nodded and stood up and grabbed my charger, phone, and bags and walked out the door, ready to go to my real home. Seoul. With the band.