Why Him ?

What Am I Doing?

After everything that had happened these last few days, my mood has been worse than ever. I just don't know who I am anymore, or how I feel. I can feel the relapse coming. I don't think that there's anything I'm going to be able to do to stop it either.

I stood washing all of the dishes, Alex standing next to me drying them as I washed. I could feel the tension between the two of us. I knew he wanted to say something to me, I don't think he's the only one that knows there's something going on too. Ben won't have told anyone, I can trust him to keep our convocation between us. Darren and Alex have been acting strange since earlier. I hope they don't know, I can't take disappointing anyone else.

"Everything ok? You've been quiet?" Alex asked. "I'm fine" I replied, continuing to look at the dishes and washing them. " "Alice, I know there's something up, Daz does too, he's so worried about you" he said, as I continued to avoid eye contact with him. "Daz will be fine, I'm ok, he doesn't need to worry about me." I replied once again. The dishes were almost all gone, I couldn't wait to get away from spending any more awkward time with Alex.

After another few minutes everything was washed, my work was done, I turned and grabbed a towel to dry my hands, and planned on walking away as quickly as possible. As I put the towel away, Alex had finished and was placing the last of the dishes in the cupboard. I started to walk out of the kitchen as he spoke again. "He might say he loves you Alice, but I don't think you know him as well as you think you do" He said, I turned and looked at him, stopping before I walked through the door. "I know he's a better guy than you" I spat back at him as I turned and walked back out the door and through to the next room.

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Alex's P.O.V.

"He might say he loves you Alice, but I don't think you know him as well as you think you do" I said, she turned and looked at back at me, stopping before she walked through the door. "I know he's a better guy than you" She spat back at me as she turned and walked back out the door. "I can give you more than him" I whispered as she walked away.

I turned and continued placing the last of the dishes away. I didn't notice that anyone else was in the room. "She's happy Alex, why can't you just leave her be" I heard from the doorway. I turned to acknowledge the voice to see Pam, Ben's mom standing. "You might all think I don't mean it but I love her Pam" I replied. 

Pam walked through the door and sat herself at the counter. "You may think you can give her more, or be more to her. She needs someone whos always going to be there Alex, not someone who will walk away at the first sign of trouble." She said. I put my head down and replied "I'm not like that anymore", "You might think that but your not who she needs, she needs someone to stick around. That baby girl couldn't take anyone else walking away. You don't stay to pick up the pieces, the rest of us do" She replied. I kept my head down and walked back out of the kitchen. I headed out to the front of the cabin and sat on the logs, around what once was a burning fire.

Jasper P.O.V.

I could hear footsteps coming along the corridor just as I finished lighting the last candle. I heard the handle move, and stood up as she walked through the door. I hope she likes what I've done.

Alice's P.O.V.

I headed back towards my room, wishing that I could just crawl into bed and forget the last half hour. I turned the handle on the door and pushed it open. The room was dark other than a few candles lighting small spaces of the room. It looked so peaceful in there. I walked into the room and could see that Jasper was standing by the bed. 

"Surprise" He said, walking towards me. "It's beautiful" I said, Jasper raised his hand with a small remote, and pressed play. As Night changes began playing. Jaz knew that I loved this song, he had set it as my ringtone when we were together. I looked up at him and smiled. "Thank you" I said as I pulled myself closer to him. "Dance with me?" He asked. I nodded, he took my hand and placed his other on my waist as I placed my right hand on his shoulder.

I stayed like that for sometime just slowly moving around the room, in aure of the peace that we all of a sudden had. Resting my head on his chest as we moved slowly. It felt like forever before we finished, swaying together like we were the only people in the world.

After another few moments, there was a knock at the door. I let go of Jaz as he walked to see who was at the door. I lay down on the bed, closing my eyes and reminiscing in the peace that I felt had taken forever to come. It was the first time in weeks that I had felt at peace with myself, in my own head. I was beginning to forget what it felt like to almost feel like a normal person. 

Jaz walked over to the bed and placed his hand on my arm, "Darren wants to talk babe." I nodded and reluctantly pulled myself up off the bed and walked to the door. "Can we talk, outside?" Darren asked as I pulled the door back open. I nodded and grabbed my shaul from the chair, wrapping it around my shoulders. 

We walked through the cabin, Ben, Pam and Nic were sitting watching a film. Pam looked up and smiled at me and Darren as we passed through to head outside. We sat out on the porch in silence for a few moments, both of us I think scared to break the silence. "What's going on Alice?" Daz asked looking up at me, I couldn't look at him. "What do you mean?" I replied, keeping my head down. "Don't try to play with me sis, I know" he replied. I kept my head low, I was to ashamed to look at him. We sat in silence once again for a few moments more. "Alice, Why?" he asked again, I lifted my head slightly and looked at him "I'm Sorry" I said, putting my head back down as I could see the tears in his eyes.

"If your struggling, why haven't you told me?" he asked. "I didn't want to worry you more" I replied, placing my head into my hands and leaning forward, I could feel my eyes filling with tears. "Ali, I'm more worried when I can see there's something wrong but you wont talk to me about it." I nodded my head a little, he stood up and came to sit by me on the bench. "You have to talk to me Ali, you're all I have." He said pulling me into him.

A - I can't put anymore of my problems onto you, you deal with enough of my shit.
D - I'm your brother, I'm supposed to deal with your shit.
A - Not this shit, I can't fuck anyone else up.
D - You can't blame yourself for what happened.
A - But I do, nothing changes, I ruin everything.

D - Liam didn't die because of you.
A - He might as well have. I did that, it was my fault.
D - No it was not. The accident was what it is, an accident. Had you been there nothing would have changed.

I keep my head down as he pulled me into him. "I know what Alex has been doing too" He said, as I pulled more at my hair. I shook my head, "I don't want to know" I replied. "Yes you do, I know that you care about him, almost as much as you did for Liam and now Jasper. But don't please, I can't see him hurt you." he said as he hugged me tighter. "I can't help it" I replied. "Keep the distance, Alex is going home tomorrow afternoon, just try to keep away, Jasper won't hurt you, Alex will." I nodded my head and tried to stand up. "Can I go to bed?" I asked, he nodded and kissed the top of my head one more time. We stood up and headed back into the cabin, Darren walked me back to the bedroom and hugged me once more, "I love you Ali, we can do this, trust me" I nodded and pushed the door open. 

Walking back into the dark room I could see that Jasper had blown out most of the candles, there were a few next to the bed. I could see his eyes shining as he looked at me. I walked over to the bed and pulled off my shawl, then pulling my clothes off, I crawled into bed next to him. 

"Everything ok?" he asked as I snuggled up to him, I nodded my head and kissed his chest. He lent down to me and kissed my forehead. We lay in the quiet, the music on low in the background. I could feel myself relaxing once more. Thinking of everything that Darren had said. How did he know? Alex must have said something. I felt like shaking my head but I didn't want to disturb Jaz. I pulled myself as close to him as I could, listening to his heart beat, knowing that he truly meant it when he said he loved me. "I love you" I whispered into his chest, kissing the skin just above his heart. He stirred slightly and softly replied "I love you too baby". I smiled and kissed his chest once more, holding him close to me. I slowly began to drift off to sleep, in the arms of the person who I knew loved me.