Why Him ?

I miss them

Today was the day that we lost Liam and John. Ben, Nic, Pam, me and Jazz are going to prepare for the memorial tonight, all day. Pam was cooking food all day, while Nic was cutting paper to attatch to the balloons, Ben was cutting the ribbon to tie the balloons too. Jazz was setting up the outdoor area, including the bonfire and seats, while I filled balloons for everyone most people were letting off one balloon while some of us were setting off more, the closer you are to people the more we are setting off. As its close to my grandparents memorial I'll be setting two off for them too along with Nic, Ben, Jazz and Darren and Alex. 

I was laying in bed wrapped in Jazz's arms happy, I lay holding onto him and with my feet tangled in his, I pecked his lips and nose a number of times before he woke up as I was thinking about how my family is falling apart. My grandparents died when in was 11 and 16, my grandmother passed first then my grandfather, I spoke at both of their funerals, my mom didn't turn up, I don't remember what happened. 

Jazz woke up "morning handsome" I said as his eyes fluttered open, "mmm" he replied as I kissed his lips again, I smiled and kissed him a again as tears filled my eyes. He smiled as we parted till he saw my tears, he pulled me close and kissed my hair, "what's wrong baby girl" he asked as I started to sob. He kept kissing my head and he held me close as I sobbed for a while. I clung to him as he kissed my head again, I hugged to him more as he whispered into my hair. I couldn't hear what he was saying but I knew that he would be saying something sweet, I started to manage to bring myself to stop crying and was able to talk to Jasper, but I didn't, I finished sobbing and stayed hugging Jazz as he moved down so he was face to face with me. He looked me in the eye and then pecked my nose.

"What's caused this baby?" He asked as he hugged me "Just been thinking about the little amount of family that I have left, I don't have anyone but Darren" I replied, he kissed my nose and hugged me again. "You might not have a lot of family left, but you have Darren and your friends, you are never alone. And as for me, well hell I'm not going anywhere beautiful, you have me hook, line and sinker, I'm wrapped around your finger and I'm not letting you unwind" I smiled and kissed him.

He pulled me as close as he could and just held me, we lay together for around 10 minutes, before he moved to get more comfortable and lay flat on the bed. I lay with my head on his chest as we lay talking, we were talking about what we were doing today and if I would be able to cope with everything today. I said that if I was struggling that I would come and find him and take some time out. He asked me what else had been running through my head, and if I had relapsed again. I told him that I hadn't but that I had been close, I had been self-harming in the past, after Liam passed I found it hard to cope with, so I turned to self-harm, then Darren, Alex and Jasper found out on night when Alex found my first aid kit and bloody bandages. It was a ruff night, the boys have monitored me ever since, scared that I will do it again.

We lay a little longer, while Jazz traced my scars, he was worried about me, I could see it in his eyes every time he looked at me. We did get up after around a hour, we got ready and headed through to the living room where Ben and Darren were. From the sounds of it Pam was in the kitchen already and the other two must still be in bed. Jazz sat down next to Darren and started to talk, I sat next to Ben and grabbed his hand, "I need to talk to you" I whispered to him as he faced me. He nodded his head and stood up, pulling me with him, we headed out to the terrace, where he pulled me onto the hammock, we sat side by side as it swung.

"What's up hun?" he asked "I think im going to relapse" I relied as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, "why do you think that?" he asked "I've been so down lately not even being with Jazz is making me 100% again, I don't know what's wrong with me, I just have the feeling to do it again" he nodded and hugged me tighter, "you are so much better than this shit that eats you up inside, you have people who care about you, who love you, you have THE BEST boyfriend you could have, and of course me. Hun get today over with and you might start to feel a little better" he replied, I giggled a little at what he said, but I couldn't find it in me to see the truth, I've been down for weeks, and I know that it's around the corner it's just what's going to set it off. Ben sat talking to me about some things that needed to be done once we got home on Monday, there was work to be done for school the following week and I had to go with Jazz to visit some universities'.