marilyn / c.h.

him; thoughts.

mary lynn; 

i've been spending a few hours each day at the bridge you told me about. you know, the one you said your family got stuck at that one time, and you peed your pants in the car? that one. god, i wish i could laugh at that memory, like i did when you first told me. laughing is a distant memory for me, though. like an old cousin that you've not seen since you were young. 

anyways, the bridge. it's nice and calming, the smell of the sea intermingled with the smell of you, which is stuck in my sweatshirt. i also faintly smell my tears; they don't come out in the wash anymore. you know, i don't sleep much these days. i suppose i would rather torture myself by thinking of our short-lived not-even romance. 

i'm currently sat at the corner table of the diner i would have taken you to after we saw the fault in our stars all of those months ago. it's 12:57 am. i've been put on about four medications, two pills each a day. one is a mood stabilizer, since i guess i'm a bit bipolar nowadays. another is to give me an appetite, but they don't work very well seeing as i can resist everything except the occasional apple. the third is for my anxiety, and the final medicine is to help me sleep at night. i'm saving those for later, though. i'll bet you can guess why.

i'm such a mess. i get scary thoughts when i get into the shower, like i might lay down and fill the tub as the warm water hits my body. i imagine closing my eyes and letting it pool around me, slowly filling the space around me. the suspense isn't enough though, so in my mind i end up running the bath about a quarter of the way through to speed things up a bit. finally, it spreads over my chest, then my mouth, and then before i know it i am no longer breathing oxygen but the water from the faucet. once the scenario leaves my head i remember that i cannot kill myself with water, because i don't like people seeing me naked (despite all of the times i've shown people my butt). it would be far too embarassing for me to be found naked in the bath. 

i don't think i'll make it much longer. i need you, m. 

-cal

ok was i the only one getting creeped out during that last long paragraph 

ps the gif isnt calum but i like bathtubs s o