Hi. I'm Layn. You probably don't know me, you most likely don't know I exist. And I'm cool with that. The less eyes on me, the better. You see, I've never been comfortable with myself. Sure I do theatre, and sing, and play cello, but I'm not comfortable. This is for a few reasons.
Dysphoria- a state of unease or general dissatisfaction with life.
Social Dysphoria- the sense of dysphoria specifically linked to social situations. It is typically caused by the social assumptions relating to gender, such as pronoun used assumption of social roles, or body language.
Gender Dysphoria- the condition of feeling one's emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be different to one's biological sex.
What do these have in common? A few things. They are commonly felt and used by those in the trans community. And one more thing. I feel all of them, almost constantly.
Let me straighten this out, unlike me haha. I am agenderflux, this means two things. 1. I am agender, I don't feel a gender. I'm not male, female, nonbinary, demi-anything. I'm just, not. 2. It fluctuates. Though I don't feel a gender, I can feel more like a demi-girl or more like a demi-boy on certain days. I can bind away and still be horribly uncomfortable, or I can wear a dress and be fine with what curve I have.
Most of the time I'm more towards demi-boy and don't like my curves. I feel uncomfortable in social, and personal situations. With my family, and anywhere with people I am not out to, I am expected to act female. To act like Alayna. I am expected to wear dresses all the time, even if I'm uncomfortable. I'm expected to sit with the girls when we split up in class. I. Hate. This. I'm not a girl. I'm not Alayna. I. Am. Layn. I feel extremely dysphoric in these situations.
One of my friends has confused dysphoria with dysmorphia. These are two very different problems.
Dysmorphia- otherwise known as Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a disorder in which your perception of your body does not line up with reality.
Such as an anorexic or bulimic. They believe they aren't perfect, or skinny enough, this is a disorder. They view their body wrong. Dysphoria is a sense that the body should be a different way. Not that it is. I do not experience BDD, but I do experience gender dysphoria.
I'm very lucky to have friends and a boyfriend who support and accept me. They always do their best to help and understand when I need them to. I am Layn. I go by They/Them pronouns. I am agenderflux. Next week I will discuss my experience with asexuality.
