My Illustrious Lover

V

Harper's POV

Ever since I was a child, I never felt love coming from the woman who carried me in her womb for nine months. I would always hear my parents arguing about this other guy whom my mom was seeing. I won't ever forget that time when my mom left my dad for that guy. I was five back then. I don't have any idea on what's happening. All I did was cry and beg my mom to stay. Pero parang wala lang itong narinig and iniwan kami ng tuluyan.

I would always see my dad crying and drinking on his office all night. Then the next morning, he would spend his day taking care of me like nothing happened. He always made sure that I would feel I'm loved even if he, himself is broken inside. One day I found him on his office, drunk and crying his lungs out and said I'm the only one who kept him going. My dad loved my mom so much. Imagine his pain. Siya na yung niloko, siya pa ang magsa-suffer ng consequences just because of loving too much. It's unfair for dad.

Me and dad survived after she left us. Dad is getting better. We're helping each other after what happened. I loved my father so much. He would always say, "Someday, when you least expect it, someone will find you and will love you unconditionally and that someone will make you whole again." I didn't believe him.

A committed relationship? Sure, I've been in one of those before. That's exactly why I can see through this blind charade called "love"...infatuation and faithfulness are nothing but fleeting nonsense. A daydream for the weak. One where they believe that said love can get them through anything and everything in life.

Loving with your heart? No, that's nonsense to me. That throbbing pain you get in your chest when things don't go well.

Heartbreak? That's nothing but your body releasing a bunch of chemicals in response to rejection. This specific kind of pain I feel merely comes from understanding that, and preventing the body from releasing endorphin that give you "happiness" and phenylethylamine, the "Love Drug" chemical. Once the body stops releasing those chemicals into your system, your mind will be able to accept and tolerate the pain...because there's nothing left to hold it back.

If you don't want to fall prey to your own emotions, all you have to do is stay above them and take them by the horns. It's always more favorable to become the hunter than to end up as the hunted.

But then she happened.

It was summer before college. Pumunta ako sa lagi kong pinupuntahang bar. I was alone. I'm wearing a hoodie so they won't notice me. Guys and girls would always rush to me every time I'll go there. They'll hit on me and I'll give them company.

But not that time, gusto ko lang mag chill and uminom. Pampawala ng stress. But then may lumapit saking babae and bigla nalang akong hinalikan. Dahil na rin siguro sa alcohol kaya hinayaan ko pero bigla naman akong nagising nang may lalaking sumuntok sakin. Boyfriend niya siguro. Tss girlfriend niya ang humalik ako pa ang sinuntok. Imagine? Harper Williams, sinuntok? Never in my life I imagine na mangyayari yun.

Napaupo ako sa sahig malapit sa bar counter pero bigla nalang may humablot sa braso ko. I was expecting a woman, but here instead, a Goddess stand before me.

"Why don't you try settling down only for one person and not to be that meet-greet-eat kind of girl. See what you get?" she said.

"How can you say I'm that kind of girl? I'm just drinking in peace here. And that happened" paghahamon ko pang sagot sa kanya.

"I know one when I see one. Even though hindi ko masyadong nakikita ang mukha mo, I know you're not an exception" natatawa niyang sagot.

"I like you. What's your name?" I flashed her my killer smile pero tumawa lang ito.

"Just because you discovered that you may like someone after all, it doesn't necessarily mean there's any attraction to the other person" I was stunned by her statement.

"Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn't have. Maybe there's a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again" natigilan naman siya sa sinabi ko.

"Paris. My name's Paris Gutierrez" at bigla nalang siyang umalis habang akay-akay ang isang babaeng lasing na.

After that incident, I searched for her. I even became her stalker. Lagi ko siyang sinusundan and i'm more than happy nang nalaman kong sa HWU siya mag-aaral nang college and same pa kami ng kursong gustong kunin. What have I done to be this lucky?

Stalking and wanting to see her became a habit. Whenever they practiced soccer I would always sit under the tree near the place where they practice. I would always bring a book to me as a cover. And then one time, lumapit siya sa punong kinauupuan koShe's trying to master a skill and I was so amaze. Matapos ang ilang segundo ay tumayo na ako at nagpaplanong umalis pero nang tumingin ako sa kanya, nakatingin na pala siya sakin. I caught her looking and I met her gaze which made my heart beat crazy, like a love struck teenager who just hit her puberty. But damn my heart hasn't pounded this hard for a long time. And I don't like it. After that, I looked away and pretend that nothing happened.

Every walls I built for myself crumbled down when I met her. I don't like this. Love isn't true. Sa huli, iiwan ka rin naman ng lahat. It's better na ikaw ang mang-iwan kesa ikaw ang iwanan. I've been through a lot and ayaw ko nang makaranas pa ng ganun.

So I've decided to avoid her. Every time that I caught her looking at me, sinusungitan ko siya. And I even brought back the "player" Harper everyone knew. But I can't help myself getting jealous sa mga nagtatangkang manligaw at lumalapit sa kanya. Maliban nalang sa bestfriend niyang si Audrey. Pero pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko.

Isabelle noticed my feelings for Paris but I keep denying it to her. So when Austin asked me if he can court me. I said yes and grabbed that chance. It's my way out sa feelings ko kay Paris. Nagulat pa nga ako nang yakapin niya. But I didn't hug him back.

And then I saw her. Standing in front of us with pained expression clearly evident in her eyes. I wanted to say it's fine. That she's the only one I want but I can't do that. I'm afraid of loving someone. I'm afraid of "love" itself. So, I just closed my eyes and when I opened it, she's gone. Paris is gone.