I Broke You

Chapter 10

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"The most confused we ever get is when we try to convince our heads of something our hearts know is a lie." -Karen Moning

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Katie jumps in surprise when she hears my voice. How'd she get in?

"You were with Rusty, right? I missed you, Em."

I'm not going to answer her question. "Why'd you bring up what happened last year in front of my parents?" I'm afraid to say the words aloud.

"I was pissed. You didn't come back Emma. I stayed up the entire night to wait for you and you didn't come back."

"That's not a good enough excuse. I was just having fun and being young. Something I used to take for granted."

"You can have fun without him. Rusty loves you." She is acting as if "Brennan" is a bad word. Katie never curses. She gave it up around the time I started, which was a year ago.

I shake my head. "I cheated because I was unhappy. And I didn't realize that until it was done." Until now I haven't even admitted it to myself. Rusty makes me unhappy.

"Did you have sex with him?"

The look I give her tells all. She not happy.

"I like him."

"Brennan?!" I'm shocked.

She nods. "We slept together two months ago. May 12th." I can't believe she would bother to remember the exact date.

"You're not a virgin then", I state. She always told me she was saving herself for somebody she loved. "And you didn't tell me."

"I'm sorry, I knew how you felt about him. I didn't want you to laugh in my face."

"I wouldn't. People make mistakes, hon."

"That's exactly what I mean. It wasn't a mistake. I love him." She is carelessly throwing the "L" word around. But if I tell her that she'll ignore me for another month.

"Since when?!"

"Since then." She says happily.

"How'd it happen?" Jealousy rattles my bones. I don't want to know but I have to.

Her eyes dazzled as she recalled the events. "I was leaving here that day and I saw him working on his car. I dropped by to say hi, but then he invited me inside for some lemonade. We began talking about everything! He told me all about himself and I talked about me. Next thing I knew, he walked me to the door and kissed me. I kissed him back and a minute later I was in his arms as he carried me to his bedroom. We tore off our clothes and then..."

"Too much information!", I fake laugh. She doesn't know what love is. Love isn't messy sex in the afternoon. It isn't talking about the big things, or even talking at all. It's about how you feel with the person you love. You feel at ease but so vigorous. The flare Rusty and I had is almost gone, the fire has gone out. Still I'm hoping that little flame will grow into a wildfire. I've always been more in love with the image I had created in my head of him before we got together. It hurts this much only because he is innocent. Better than me.

She flips her dark hair over her shoulder. "It was only a fling with you two, right?"

"Yup." to be honest I don't know.

I'm gonna get with him again at Teddy's party next week." She's gorgeous, there is no reason for him to not sleep with her again. Except for the fact he loves me.

"Of course. When's the party?" I'm curious if why I wasn't invited yet. After all, I am on the top of the social pyramid.

"It's Friday night!", she says like it's obvious.

I yawn. The clock on the wall reads 3:31 a.m. "I'm tired".

"I've been here for a long time. I should probably go".

She begins to stand but I stop her. "Stay over. We can share the bed", I say.

We jump under the sheets and I turn off the lamp. "I missed you too", I whisper. She doesn't hear me. Her slowed breathing lets me know she already began to dream. There are three things I know. I'm happy to have my best friend back, I can't be with Brennan, and I need to be with him.

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A buzzing sound awakes me in the middle of the night. Why is Rusty calling me this late?

I take it into the bathroom with me so I don't wake Katie up, then answer.

"Rusty?"

I can hear him sobbing. That is another thing about him I love; he doesn't hide his emotions. "I love you", he chokes. "I'm sorry for treating you like that, I love you". The pearly blue tiles are cold under my feet.

I gulp. "I love you too. It's okay".

"No it's not! I accused you of cheating on me! I know you would never do that". I'm going to hell.

"It's not your fault, baby. It's mine and I deserved it".

"Forgive me?" His voice is no longer cracking.

"Always."

"Do you remember when we saw the Mona Lisa?" He can be so random.

"Yeah. Yeah, of course."

"The way you stared at her- I couldn't keep my eyes on the painting. Your eyes lit up like a child's on the Fourth of July. And I thought, wow. She might the one for me."

"You are... Way too good for me."

"I couldn't live without you, Em. You are perfect."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight mon petit chou-fleur."

I'm the first to hang up.

Everything he thinks he knows about me are lies. I'm not faithful, or honest, and most of all I don't deserve him. I need to fall in love with him again, even more than I used to. If we are going to be together for the rest of our lives, I need to be happy.

I tip-toe to the bed and crawl under the covers. Tomorrow is Thursday, which means I've got two days to prepare for Teddy's party. As soon as the sun hits the sky, I'll begin to put my plan into action.