Bully|tk

8| i think it's because of you

Taehyung—

I stared down at the younger, as he swallowed the glass of water. My eyes strayed to his bobbing Adam's apple, and I had to restrain myself from licking my lips. I couldn't be feeling like this about Jungkook, after everything. We're better off as friends. Not even good friends. Just friends. Yet...do "just friends" lay down on the same couch, with their legs entangled together? I suppose "good friends" was a better way to describe this?

He placed the empty glass on the coffee table, and leaned his head back against the arm rest. "Thanks for letting me rest here, Taehyung," he murmured, tiredly. I cocked an eyebrow at his weary tone. "You need to explain to me. Why is that I've found you collapsed somewhere, pale and sickly? And not only once, but twice."

The dark-haired boy grimaced at my words, but he nodded slowly. "I don't know how to explain it fully," he began. "I don't really know much myself. I've never visited a doctor about this." He let out a long exhale, before closing his eyes.

"I guess it started a while back, in America. At first I thought it was just homesickness. I thought it was just because I wasn't used to it over there, with the time changes and the different surroundings. I thought that once I'd adjusted it'll all be fine."

A tear managed to slip past his eye, and without thinking about it, I reached over to catch it with my finger. I felt the younger boy tense, then relax, at my touch. I, quickly, wiped away the tear, before retracting my hand.

Jungkook drew a shaky breath before continuing. "Well...you can guess where this is going. It didn't get better. No. It got worse. Sometimes I'd wake up crying or it'd be hard to breathe. I was an absolute mess. One time I scared my roommate, and I had to make up some half-assed lie, about missing my parents or some shit. I requested for a single room, so that I wouldn't have anyone else catch me in such a weak state. I..."

His voice broke, and with it my heart. Slowly, I reached forward, and wrapped my arms around the boy. He, definitely, was bigger than me; with broader shoulders and probably bigger muscles. But, in this moment, stolen from time, he was small and frail. He was fragile as glass. Probably, in earlier years, I'd have handled delicate things with care, but recently I've only broken everything.

Not this time, though. I will not break him. I can't break him. How could I break something so precious?

I believed, in that moment, I was completely whipped.

"Shh, you don't have to continue right now," I assured the younger. He shook his head, face buried into my chest. "I have to tell you everything now, before I lose my nerve," he said, lifting up his head.

Reluctantly, I nodded, and waited for him to recompose.

Finally, he took a deep breath, and began to speak again. "I couldn't put my finger on it. There was no way I could be homesick for that long. I just couldn't figure it out. I spent the rest of my time in America like that. Confused with my own body and mentality. Sometimes I'd thought maybe...maybe it'd be easier if I'd just hopped off of this bridge. Or maybe...it'd be easier if I just slid this knife across my wrist. Or...some other form of suicide, I guess," he sighed.

That confession made me squeeze him closer to me, in our embrace. The thought that he was just as unhappy as me was unsettling. I thought I was the only one suffering. In a way, I was probably better off than he was.

Jungkook looked up into my eyes, as he prepared to finish up. "Then I got a call from my parents to come home. I was ecstatic, since I thought that maybe going home would fix me somehow." He shook his head, a sad look on his beautiful face. "It didn't leave me. It only got worse. I began skipping lunch since my stomach just couldn't seem to hold anything in. I get tired more often, and I feel anxious and nervous at the most random times.

I think it's because of you."

—

Jungkook—

I felt his arms slack their hold on me, and I wanted them to tighten again. I wanted him to hold me as if I might disappear at any moment. Slowly, his hands slipped down my arms, and laid on the cushion of the couch.

"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked, voice slightly edged and cold. I knew I said that wrong. I meant to say it wrong. I wanted him to take it the wrong way before I explain.

"It's not you," I sighed. "It's me. What I'd done to you. It was probably always lurking in my mind like a dark cloud. I guess the guilt suddenly grew out of proportion, and I gained some sort of anxiety disorder. It was completely all my fault, but you were involved. So...I believe that me acting like this is because of you. But, you are completely faultless."

Taehyung relaxed, at my explanation, then shook his head. "You and I are a really messed up pair," he chuckled, lowly.

I only nodded.

"It's all because of me. It was all my fault."

The elder frowned, and narrowed his eyes at me. "Can you stop that? Yes. It was your fault, mainly, but it was also kind of my fault." That made me raise my eyebrows, in confusion. "How can any of this be your fault? All you've ever done was care for and pursue me."

He shook his head, face shadowing. "I've given it a lot of thought, while you were gone, you know. I was clingy, and I took no notice that you were uncomfortable. If I was like I am now, I would've understood that you didn't want me, and stop chasing after one-sided love."

Goosebumps crawled over my skin, when he said "love."

Love. Was that what he'd felt for me, before? Was it love? What did love feel like? I wanted to ask him how it felt like when he was in love. I wanted to know if this tingling sensation in my stomach was love. I wanted to know if the heat rushing to my cheeks and my ears was love. I wanted to know if this burning desire to keep touching him was love. Or was it just lust? Or perhaps a fever?

Probably just a fever.

I suppose that I'm still sick. Sick of what, I wonder? Sick of my anxiety? Sick of living under a dark cloud, and seeming to find no light above me? Sick of not knowing why all I wanted, in these recent days back, was to hold Taehyung and be held by Taehyung?

I'm in denial, of course. I know what I was feeling. Yet, my brain wouldn't accept it. I was weak, and the feeling was only awakened by the situation and the right moment. Of course I'd be feeling like this, since I was just wrapped up in the elder's arms moments ago.

It's because of you, I thought to myself. It's because of you, that I'm feeling this way.

Well.

I think it's because of you.

—

I had to listen to FAKE LOVE on repeat, to get into the sad mood, for this chapter lols. Then, when I wasn't paying attention, my playlist went to Anpanman (which is my fucking jam, y'all) and I started jamming out like there was no tomorrow lmfao.

-Author-nim