Imperfect Romance

Fear & Lies

While most of the time Ai was in a fairly good mood since Miyuki has been doing well with his recovery attending physical therapy sessions she has to be honest with herself and admit that she has not been feeling well. Her symptoms started with the occasional lightheadedness and fatigue so she didn't thought much about it since it didn't happen all the time and she also figured that she just needed to get more rest. 'It's not a big deal' she thought, hence why she hasn't told anything to Miyuki. Ai figured that she could fix it on her own and has been trying to get more rest but much to her dismay is just isn't working and she started getting more and more nervous.

Ai is so nervous now that she just can't shake off the paranoid thoughts that she was sick again. Once that thought made it's way into her brain there was nothing else that she could think about. At first she brushed it off thinking that she was just paranoid, but the 'what if' thoughts are just not letting her be. So she went to the doctor and he had some tests done on her just to check that everything is clear but it takes days or even weeks to get the results back. Saying that she was anxious to know her results would be the understatement of the year. Ai was beyond anxious. It has gotten so bad that sometimes she can't go to sleep with those looming thoughts over her head. To calm herself down she tries to tell herself 'I don't have cancer. My cancer is in remission. I don't have cancer. My cancer is in remission.' over and over again to convince herself but it's to no avail. Anything is possible and just like her illness came back the first time around it can come back again despite of her diagnosis that has cleared her of everything.

The other thing that is killing her is lying to Miyuki. At first, Ai only felt slightly guilty about lying to him when he initially asked her if she has been eating right because that was not the moment to worry him about her health since at the time she wasn't freaking out about anything. Then she even felt more guilty when he asked her again at the carnival fair because she was feeling lightheaded by the end of the day. Which is why it impressed her that she was able to survive all the rides that they got on. However, now she feels extremely guilty and more conscious of the fact that she broke the promise that they made about keeping secrets from each other. Ai hasn't only not tell him about how she has been feeling but she also hasn't told him about her doctor appointment.

She hasn't been lying to him out of maliciousness. It's quite the opposite actually. First, she just doesn't want to worry him and second she is actually quite scared. Ai doesn't want to worry him because all she wants is for him to focus on his recovery so he can play baseball again. He wouldn't be able to concentrate well on that if he is constantly thinking about her impending test results. Ai also fears how he would take the news. She knows that he cares and loves her as well and that therefore he would be anxious just like she is feeling right now, but she doesn't know how anxious he would be. Since his mother died when he was young, she is not sure whether or not her situation will bring him unpleasant memories and that's the last thing that she wants. If it turns out that she has something serious then Miyuki might have to go through the same thing that he did with his mother but with her this time around. Ai doesn't want that to happen and she almost rather go through treatment alone than with him to spare him the suffering.

Deep down inside she is also scared of the small possibility that he might leave her if she gets sick again.

Ai shook those last thoughts away.

"Are you alright Oneesan-senpai?" Sawamura asked her in curiosity after he saw her shaking her head.

They were currently on their way back to Seido from their morning jog.

Ai slightly blushed in embarrassment. "Yes, I'm fine Sawamura-kun. I'm just thinking about something." She explained trying not to meet his eyes.

"Is it about your science project?" The southpaw inquired.