Universes || Phan {Completed}

Death

The day of Phil Lester's funeral was quiet.

It was quiet because nobody knew how to fill the silence because Phil always knew what to say to fill it, Phil knew everyone and he always managed to make everyone laugh. Now there was no Phil Lester, and nobody knew how to interact with one another. It was going to be a quiet funeral.

Dan didn't even know how to talk.

He knew he had to talk. He was delivering a speech which he hadn't written because it needed to be organic, but he didn't know how he was going to do it. He didn't know how he was going to put a lifetime of friendship into a speech, he didn't know how detailed he wanted it to be. He didn't know what Phil wanted them to know, or to not know.

And it's not like he could ask him,
Because he was dead.

Because Phil Lester was shot trying to make his life better. Because Phil Lester was shot trying to get better for Dan. Because Phil Lester died trying to make Dan happy. Because Phil Lester loved Dan so much he died for him.

Phil Lester's death was Dan's fault.

Because Dan told him that he was being confusing, because he was sending mixed messages, because if he really loved Dan, he'd stop dealing, because he was such an amazing boyfriend and listened, because he was shot trying to fix his life, because Phil Lester got shot and it was all Daniel Howell's fault. Because no matter how amazing Phil Lester was to Dan Howell, Dan Howell was nothing.

And nothing he would stay, because as much as he longed to just disappear, he promised Phil Lester that he wouldn't die young.

God Dan wished that he was dead, and Phil Lester was still alive. Because Phil Lester was kind and caring, Phil Lester was everyone's friend, because Phil Lester loved everything on the earth so much.

And the one thing Dan loved was him.
And even though he was the only thing Dan loved, he still didn't love him enough. Because he didn't accept that Phil Lester was stuck in a dangerous job that could kill him if he tried to back out. Because Dan pressured him into backing out. Because Daniel Howell inadvertently killed Phil Lester.

He was to blame for all of it.

\/\

"Phil Lester. I could go on about Phil Lester forever. He was the perfect person, he loved everyone and everything, he cared about peoples feelings and emotions and was a permanent shoulder to cry on." Dan began, shuffling slightly "His favourite book was The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, he was the best at Mario Kart, he only ever sang Celine Dion when he was hopelessly drunk, he was a hopeless romantic, his favourite flowers were daisies, his favourite food was blueberries, his favourite public place was a library, he, he was a big softie who loved hugs, he was an adventurous soul who would sneak out with me at 4 am to look at the weird and wonderful sights."

Dan wiped his eyes

"He was the warmth. Phil Lester was the warmth in so many peoples lives, including mine. He was mine. He had been mine for longer than I could remember, he had been mine as long as I had been his. We never acknowledged this, but if any of you remember calling us queer you were right, give or take a few years- but you were right. We were each other's and it was beautiful. It was also brief, yet the longest thing in my life- It wasn't even 24 hours long. We officially became boyfriends hours before he left. We weren't dating but we basically were because we acted just like boyfriends would, and we'll never be more than boyfriends. Because Phil Lester died. I'm not going to sugar coat it. He's dead. Don't think I wish he wasn't. I don't know how I will function without him"

Dan looked up briefly, not looking at anyone in particular

"But I have to learn, I have to learn because I promised Phil Lester when I was ten years old that I would never die young because he was so hurt by The Bridge To Terabithia that he made me promise something I couldn't even guarantee." He sighed "But our promises always pulled through. Aside from one, our one from that night- He promised to never leave me."
"Phil Lester went through many phases, he went through so many different versions of himself, the newest version would be, of course, Trying To Get My Life Together Phil. I have fallen in love with every version of Phil since every version brought me closer to him, no matter what phase he was, even when he was dealing drugs and drinking alcohol I still loved him. He and I promised we'd never not be friends, although that sounds impossible because of our polar opposite personalities, it worked. Even when I was mad at him for no good reason, we were still friends. Even when we fought, even when I told him he was being irrational and inconsistent and idiotic we were still friends. We will always be friends. Even when I told him that night that he had ruined my emotions over and over. We were still friends. Boyfriends, yes, but still friends."

Dan tried to stifle a sob

"He was the nicest boy in the world. I could go to his house at any hour of the night and be guaranteed a hug. He would put anything aside for me to smile or laugh or just be happy. Phil loved seeing me happy, and I loved seeing him happy, too. He was happy a lot, I was not. I'm trying so hard to be happier now because he loved seeing me happy. Until I can find a happy, I will think about us, I will think about every little dumb thing we did together. Because as much as it hurts, soon they will be the softest, sweetest memories ever. Especially our first kiss. It reminded me a lot of our last kiss. Two lost souls finding each other after years of searching, just for a moment, complete."

Dan gasped for air, it broke mid-gasp.

"I can't wait to live with you in Narnia. Where you and I can be kings of the daisies together. Where nobody will tell us to be anything or do anything. We can float through life, watching from the sidelines for once, in the limbo between universes. Nowheresville can become our home. Where nobody can call us horrible things and where we can be us. Where we can listen to Pink Floyd forever and ever without being told to go to sleep because who needs sleep. But until then, I'll wait. I'll wait because you want me to wait because you want me to grow old. As badly as I just want to hold you again, darling, I can't. Not yet."

"Maybe right now you're floating through universes waiting for me. Maybe you're in our tent where nothing mattered when we were just 12 and 13- Maybe you're watching us wear our daisy crowns and ruling the lands. Maybe you're not. You always told me those were your favourite universes, so maybe you're waiting until we can see them together. Wherever you are, whichever universe you're in. I hope it's a good one. God, I fucking hope it's the happiest universe ever because you deserve to only see the happiest universes. I'm so sorry there had to be sad for there to be happy, but that's how things work. There would be no happy without sad, no freedom without pain. No love without heartbreak. No me without you"

"Maybe you're watching over this service right now, wondering why you're dressed so fancily or what music they're going to play when they carry you out to your new home." Dan shook his head "No- No it can't be a home, it's a holder. It's a holder until you find a home. When you do find a home, please tell me where it is. I want to be at home with you forever. Forever might not start for a while, though. I so badly wish I was with you, I wish I could wake up tomorrow and kiss you and hold you and tell you everything will be okay and that you're alive. But I can't. As much as that hurts to say, I have to say it. I have to say something about you being gone. That's why everyone is here. We all love you, mostly" His eyes flickered to the bullies for just a second

Dan looked at the coffin, as he held back more tears.

"Sweet dreams darling. I'll be here when you wake up, promise. Goodnight, I love you- I promise. You're the best person in the world, Pip. I love you the most in the world." Dan let tears fall, as he shakily walked back to his seat, into his dad's arms. 

Dan broke into full sobs. It was over now. Phil was over now. Dan had said his goodbyes. He had said everything he felt he needed to.

He proclaimed his love for Phil, which was all he intended to do.

Because Dan loved Phil. Dan loves Phil. Just because Phil is gone doesn't mean he has to stop loving him.

Dan could never stop loving him. He had loved him ever since they met, he can't remember a life without loving Phil.