Paintings Of Him

Chapter 4 - Selflessness

All the air left my lungs.

I stood there with wide eyes, frozen, as Corbin flipped through the pages with his face void of emotion. My heart dropped ten feet inside of my chest and my legs would not let me move as he continued to look at the pages with sketches of his nose, eyes, mouth or even his whole face.

"Corbin-I...I can explain" I tried and opened my mouth to spit out continuous lies and excuses about how it was for a subject on someone in your house without them realizing it you were drawing them, or drawings of Jordan to pretend that they just looked weirdly alike to me. But no words came up my throat and I dropped my gaze to the floor, realizing how pointless those excuses would be.

This entire time I had been wondering if he would be surprised if he realized how much I liked him or if he had known all along because my eyes give away too much. But judging by the fear and confusion on his face, he didn't have a single clue about my feelings.

Maybe that made me feel even worse.

I had planned this moment in my head a million times, telling him how I felt. I planned it even though I knew that I would never have the courage to just come out and say it like I was asking him for a spare pen in class. But in this moment, I couldn't find a single word to try and explain this all.

"Clara?"

I walked over to where he was and noticed him trailing his fingers lightly over my drawing of his smile, the way the light made his eyes sparkle greener than ever before.

I looked down. "Yeah?"

He searched my face while breathing deeply with his eyebrows twisted together in confusion before sitting down and swallowing heavily. Before he turned I saw his answer his eyes. The pity that lay in his eyes let me know what I was already aware of, he didn't feel the same way.

But god, it still hurt.

"Clara..." he sighed. "I-I..can't believe this..how..why? You never speak to me.. thought you hated me. You act as if I am nothing to you" he said quietly.

"It was easier to pretend" I admitted while biting my lip.

"But...why do you like me? You-..that guy that you always speak to on the debate team..didn't he ask you out?" he looked at me tiredly. "Jordan said he.."

"I said no" I chewed on my lip and looked at my shoes. "It wasn't fair going out with him while being in love with someone else. I didn't want to hurt him. Hector is a great guy really..."

Corbin shook his head. "Clara. Stop trying to change the subject..."

"Nothing has to change" I crossed my arms over my chest refusing to look at him.

"This changes everything" he choked.

"No, it doesn't have to. This is why I didn't say anything...apart from the fact that Jordan would kill me..I know you don't feel the same. It's fine. Can't we just forget that this ever happened?" I pleaded silently with him but he looked away.

"I-I can't just.." he broke off.

"Corbin, please. It's okay. Can things just go to how they were? Or you could just punch me so that I could finally have a real reason to hate you" I chuckled and he winced. "Hey, I was kidding!"

"It isn't funny" he squeezed his eyes shut. "Because I wish...I wish so badly that I felt the same, Clara. I know that you have always hated me but I see you with Jordan and your friends, and your family...and you deserve so much. I wish so badly that I could give you everything.."

"But you can't" I interrupted quietly.

He nodded at the floor like he couldn't bear to look into my eyes. He bit his lip softly, as if debating something in his head before finally opening his eyes and walking closer to me.

"But I can give you something."

I was about to ask him what he meant when he suddenly cupped my cheeks and pressed his lips to mine.

My whole train of thought slowly faded away as he placed his lips on mine. I had dreamed of this moment millions of times but I had no clue what to do in that second.

His lips were warm and dry on mine and he placed his hands on either sides of my face as he kissed me. My hands dangled limply by my sides and his hold was the only thing keeping me upright. My knees grew weak and my eyes fluttered shut as I slowly kissed him back. I couldn't bring myself to wonder why he was kissing me after he told me that he doesn't feel the same way, I wasn't even able to think about anything else but him. He didn't try to shove his tongue down my throat-not that I would have minded- and he made sure to pull away slowly.

It was a gift.

A memory that I could use to harbour my feelings for him. Maybe he did it so I wouldn't have to keep wondering what it would have been like. Or maybe he just did it to make me happy.

But in that moment, a part of me wasn't happy. I knew that he didn't want to do it for him and he didn't enjoy it. It was for me, a present so that he didn't have to feel guilty.

That thought made anger stir inside of me and I snapped, pushing him away. I glared harshly at the confusion in his icy blue eyes. He expected me to be grateful?

"What? What is it?" he asked carefully.

"You expect me to be grateful? Oh, thank you so much almighty Corbin Lewis! Don't worry you can stop feeling guilty now, can't you. It's okay..you gave me a kiss. That makes it all better doesn't it?" I spat sarcastically.

"Wait, hold on..." Corbin tried but I continued.

"That was my first kiss! I wanted someone to kiss me because they want to be with me. I wanted them to do it because they want to. Not because they feel sorry for me because I like them and they don't feel the same."

"I just thought that...you would.." he trailed off and looked down before shaking his head like he was angry at himself. "I'm sorry, I didn't know that it was your first kiss."

"It's okay" I took deep breaths to calm myself. "Just go. This never happened."

He nodded in agreement and although I had suggested it, my heart dropped into my chest.

The kiss was just a gift to him. Something he could try to make me happy but ended up making everything worse. It didn't affect him in anyway and he could still continue as he is and act like everything is the same. He could forget it as easily as I wish that I would be able to. It didn't mean anything to him.

But it meant so much more to me.