Paintings Of Him

Chapter 9 - Disappointment

(one month later)

I set down my bags on my bed with a sigh. 

I looked around the room with a frown, remembering the times when everything was so simple. I opened the closet that held my paintings, finally feeling myself give a sigh of relief, having something so familiar in front of me. The paintings grounded me, they did not make me feel lost and alone, they made me feel like I was home no matter where I was. The house was filled with an eerie silence, no one to be seen. There was no one to greet me at the door and no phone call to find out when I was free to catch up. There was nobody to tell me that everything would be okay from now on. 

When my parents found out that I had decided to drop out of Princeton, they had organised a cruise for two months so that they could get away from the stress of their jobs and family life. Deep down, we all knew that it was because they couldn't bear to look at their daughter, their disappointment. 

I just couldn't deal with it. There was hundreds of textbooks to read and hundreds of essays to write and I had no clue how to do any of it. I had failed every essay or practice test that I handed in, each fat red letter putting my mood down even further, the professors shaking their heads sadly. There were hundreds of smart students and professors looking down on me because they were all simply waiting for me to quit. They finally got their wish because after three weeks of hell, I had booked a flight home. 

"Hey, did you get home okay?" Lois asked hesitantly as I picked up the phone later that evening.

"Yeah" I sighed. "At least I don't have to see their disapproving stares."

"Forget your parents" she scoffed. "They are probably just thinking of themselves. As long as you are okay, that is what matters."

My voice broke slightly. "I-It was just so hard. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere I had never felt more alone, Lo."

Lois let out a long sigh, as if contemplating if there was anything she could say to make things better for me. "Look, Page. You are my best friend and I will always support everything that you do. But part of me feels like it is my fault...if I had picked up my phone more...if I had been there if you needed someone then maybe you wouldn't have-"

"Lo..." I cut in gently with a small laugh. "You have no reason to feel guilty, trust me. I am glad I dropped out, even though I know that everyone else is disappointed in me. I feel like I have let everyone down...but I am happier already just being at home."

"I could never be disappointed in you" she reassured me. "I just want you to be happy, Page. You know that I am only a half an hour drive away if you need to visit, and I will pop in and see you when I can. I love you, weirdo."

"I love you, freak" I mumbled softly into the phone before hanging up.  

Jordan had been really busy at Stanford and I could tell as soon as he called me back on that second day, that he was having the time of his life. He had droned on about how much fun he was having meeting new people and how excited he was to play football every single day, doing the thing that he loved most. His voice was full of excitement and I had never heard him sound so content as he sighed softly into the phone. I couldn't ruin it for him. 

So after he finished his long speech and asked me how I was finding everything, I lied and said that everything was fine. 

I had begged my parents to let me tell him first, I said that I was waiting for the right moment. I had always been terrible at lying to him, he always seemed to catch me out and immediately know what I was already thinking. But with his happy attitude and excitement, it became almost easy to lie to him and he seemed to believe everything instantly. But maybe he just wanted to believe me when I told him that everything was fine.