A letter a day for my one and only

06-05-18

Dear B, It's 11:15 pm. I'm not tired but I keep trying. I just posted my last two chapters of this today because when I wrote them I forgot to publish them before I logged out. I went to sleep at 4 last night.... I hope I get to sleep earlier. How are you sleeping? I bet you sleeping well since they keep you doing things all day. You'll definitely be tired hehe. To be honest, as I lay here sleepless, I realize that I relied on you too much. I became dependent on you. I became too selfish. I must fix that. You'll be travelling for 6 years.....and I don't even know if I'll be able to go. Though I truly do want to go. How will we survive? Can we make this? God I pray we do. Because I love you so much.... I do not want to lose you... and I do not want to lose myself either.... I pray everytime. And I'll continue to do so. I pray you come back to me, to home, soon. I pray that I don't loose these battles as I wait for you and try to fly on my own. I pray that I can hear your voice again. All these things that I love about you....oh man I am totally going to run into your arms and cry when we see each other again. Or I'll be so shocked that I'll just fall to my knees and cry as you pick me up into your arms...... I wonder if you will ever see these? I know you can't while you're there. You probably won't read these unless I tell you about them when you get back.......Do I want you to read these?.............I think I do but I'm not too sure right now..... Maybe the sleepiness is getting to me..... I wish you were here love... And yet I do not. I want you here in bed laying next to me with your arms wrapped around me but, I also want you to succeed in this. Even if it hurts right now.... I can hold out. You can do this love! I'm so proud of you already...I can't wait to see you.... But it's hard. I miss you too much already.....sorry I'm tearing up a bit.....I just.......If I thought I loved you before and all these thing about you.....Boy do I truly love and appreciate you and all the little things. Your eyes as you looked at me like I gave you the world. Your smile as I said smart-ass shit about whatever we were talking about. Your laugh as you and Brendan act gay only to see him back out last minute. Your touch as you caress my face as if you were holding the universe in your hands. Your hugs that you always gave me because you knew I felt protected and loved in them and you also knew I'd always forgive you with a hug. Your kiss when you would cup the back of my head as you held my face like you were afraid I was only an illusion. Just you. All of it. I miss you so fucking bad B......It hurts B, it hurts. I never knew how much I needed you as my other whole until now. Now I think of something funny and turn to tell you only to realize you're not by my side. Now I sleep with no nightmares anymore but tears in my eyes and a cold bed. Now when I am afraid and I turn to run into your arms for a hug, you are not there next to me. Now when I feel lonely and I want your kisses to remind me that I am loved, I remember your absence. It kills me my love. But I stand and fight. I fight for me. For my family. For you. For our future. And maybe a baby. I've been feeling sick lately... I know we've been safe and smart but I haven't had a period yet so I can't be too sure. Like I said before, I won't know until the end of the month. I'll be praying more I guess.....Well I'll try to go to sleep now. I love you with all my body, heart, and soul to life.

P. S. Happy Anniversary my moon.

Love,

M.Cannon