Paramore Conspiracy Theories (Book 2)

A/N

Hey guys...

Almost a month later. Things have been semi quiet...

This is gonna be one those "talking to this book like its my dairy" type posts, so if you don't like those then click off now I guess. 

I left for a hot second, because I was in a bad place kind of in general at that time, but also becasue I was so confused about where my life was going and I kind of finally understood something.

I'm 19, turned 19 a couple months ago. When I started all this that I'm doing and this Paramore thing that's been my life for years at this point, I was 14. I was a 14 year old fangirl, and that's kind of the "socially acceptable" age to be a fan girl isn't it? And as much as I think that's bullshit I kind of fell into the trap. I got into this place of thinking; I'm 19, im too old for this, I need a job or to go to college, I need to stop obsessing (though I don't really obesess these days) over this band. When I came to this community it was the start of Self-Titled Era, everyone was so happy and positive, there were dozens of new stories posted everyday, and now thats not really the case. The Wattpad Paramore community has basically slowed to a crawl and no one is really writing like they did because they're in college and working and they just grew up. And looking at that situation I began to think maybe I should just grow up. Maybe my time of being fanatical and writing little stories was over and it was time to get a job?

I also came to the realization that I'm just not well liked at all here anymore, not that I ever was in the first place, but certainly more people liked me before 2016. I realized that while I thought the conspiracy book was thought provoking and interesting and that's why people were reading it, they were actually reading it because they thought I was crazy and they were laughing at me and wanted to see what stupid thing I said next. I thought I made huge strides in my writing it turns out I was just a laughingstock, and no matter who you are or what your opinions are, that doesn't feel good. My reads went right down when I started toning things down and not posting really controversial things, and I blamed myself thinking I was slacking in my writing and wasn't good anymore, but the truth was that was the only reason people were reading; to see me make a fool of myself. They never read becuase my writing was good, they read because they were hate-reading and laughing at me. I wanna clear up that I don't think I'm famous or anything like that, I'm just a person who writes. So you can imagine my surprise when I'm told the whole community knows who I am, and people are talking about me all the time, which initially I though was good until I found out what they were actually saying. It wasn't good. It was humiliating, and devastating.

I have so fucking much I wanna say all the time, and no one to say it to, and that's why these books exist because I needed to get my opinions and thoughts and feelings out and I thought no one would read them and I would be able to just vent. Not the case. Lots of people read. I thought it was good and I was a good writer and then it turns out that all that was just wishful thinking.

You know I why I toned things down? Because I wanted people to like me. I'll admit that to you all and myself right now; I want to be liked. I'm not ashamed to admit that anymore. I toned things down because I wanted things to go back to how they were before and I wanted my old reputation back, and I wanted to be a fucking nobody again. I wanted my life and my friends back. Did it work? No. Peoole still hate my guts, regardless of if they know me or not.

If I could back and never post that stupid conspiracy book, I would.

It's hard to finally find a place where you feel you belong, only to realize you don't actually belong. I could imagine myself going on Parahoy and while everyone hangs out just standing off in a corner alone. I never thought I'd feel that way about this community. I don't talk to my friends from wherever about visiting them and going to shows and hanging out like everybody else does because I don't have those friends. "Well why don't you try and make friends?" Yeah let me try that, let the girl everyone mocks and hates try to make friends, people won't touch me with a ten foot pole because of my reputation. 

I felt like I was just outgrowing this community because I was getting older, but I think it's just that I don't have a place here anymore. People wanted me to stop being so outlandish and inflammatory, well I stopped, now they had nothing to laugh at so they left. I changed so that people would like me and they still didn't.

I want that to be the takeaway, the thing that everyone who reads this post learns: changing to make people like you never works, it always backfires one way or another.