What is this?

Today

I overslept. Carp. Didn't have breakfast, and had the band practice for four hours sraight. By the end of it, my legs were sore, I was all sweaty, and I felt only mildly hungry. I then went on a food rampage. Ugh. I hate it when I do this.

It happens every day. I eat seconds of something. Today, it was lunch. A sandwich, 2 chicken strips, tater tots, and fries. And ducking ice cream. Why did I give in to it? 

It's 8 pm now. Hoping a parent doesn't walk in on me, but they might just think I am sleeping. I was acting tired in the warm car. 

I still don't get why I am blurting out my life story to complete strangers. I don't know you, and yet, it is easier to spill my guts to people I never see face to face. 

I thought a lot more today. I had plenty of time. When I am put in a new place, I get shy. Have I already said this? I think I have. When I get shy, I go silent. I lock myself inside of my head. I hate it there, but it is worse when I am outside of it. I talk too much. My mum called it my whiny attitude when she caught me complaining about a new instrument. Alto Sax. 

I try my hardest to control myself. I don't want to run my mouth, seem needy, or annoy my friends. I end up saying things not very nice. I have been bullied, but I also have been a bully. 

Taylor. She and I have an... odd relationship. We were nice to each other at the beginning, for about a week. Then it got bad. She is a bit rounded. The others messed with her about it, and my stupid self joined in. She was the bottom of the wolf pack, and I wanted my status raised. At the time, I thought that was really important. November, I borrowed a book for the Book Battle competition. We read designated books and answer questions on them. Taylor had the next book I needed, and I was planning on reading it for the next three class periods. I am an extremely fast reader when I need to be. 

She protested. A few people who commonly teased me out of context joined in. By the end of class, I had 7 people yelling and texting me on Google Hangouts to give the dam book back. I got over-excited. 4 of them, James, Rachel, and Taylor blocked the door. I mixed the booked in with my school supplies and tried to shove my way through. At the time, they had no idea what was wrong with me. They probably just thought I was an awkward new kid. It was the last day before Thanksgiving. Taylor and Rachel, who are best friends, took initiative and shoved me against the wall in hopes of pinning me down. It was a mistake.

I wasn't thinking clearly. I don't know if they thought I was acting normal, or like a maniac. I was laughing. My weird mind thought it was a game. I get bored easily. Taylor's hands were closest. My arms were pinned, like they wanted, and I lunged. She screeched. Taylor tried to shake me off her first hand, but I missed the feeling of skin between my teeth. The last time I had bit another person was in 1st grade. I released that hand when she tried using her other hand to release my clamped jaws. I snatched at that one. By the time this had occured. They all knew something was up. Rachel had the book in her hands. The rest of my stuff was on a desk. I had gripped onto the second hand with my own. Eventually, I released. 

They shoved the book in the owner's locker, and walked off without me. I had already understood what was to happen. I wouldn't be allowed into the group again. I was replaced on the Book Battle team. It hurt worse than anything else. I don't think I ate that lunchtime. I went to the loner table. The place where other silent readers and drawers ate. 

They didn't return me to the group until late January. Every time I looked at Taylor, I got a sick feeling in my stomach, and I felt like I was about to pass out. I explained this feeling to mother, and she called it regret. I believe it was guilt. 

I still tear myself up for that. I call myself pathetic and needy whenever I think of telling a person my habits. Taylor ended up being the only one I rusted with my darker parts. When I began on my shoulders, she was the only one that truly noticed my winces any time I removed my jacket or brushed against someone else. I expect others thougt it was part of my normal behavior. 

I can't stand touching people. I can't stand high pitched or loud noises. School is torture. My hair is all stick and grasy and gross feeling to me no matter ow clean it is. It is just too long. My parents won't let me get a pixie cut. I'm whining again. I think I finally understand why I am doing this. I needed to get this off my chest. 

You know that song by Logic? The one with the suicide hotline as the title. I think it is useless. All it ends up doing to me is make me want to cry and force me to keep a straight face next to my mum. She even tested me and Keith one night on a suicide quiz. Unfortunately, she doesn't realize that if anybody asks me stuff about my feelings, I immediately try to avoid it. She told me I can come to her if the bad thoughts become too much one time, when I took a second too long to deny her questioning me if I was cutting over the phone. I had to work hard to reassure her that I wasn't. Obviously, it was a lie. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=crwE3Tw_k0Q