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Fear

Fear is always hangin' around. It likes to stalk and murder and thieve. Want to know my biggest fears? No? OK! But in all seriousness, I'm gonna put them here anyway, else they rot in a 3 year old notebook.

Fear 1: The Dark- This one sounds childish, but let me explain? The dark is like all of my fears combined. It is a place where anything and everything is hidden from sight. It is the embodiment of evil, the first fear of Humans. I may not be religious, but even believers would agree that the dark is just bad news. I may not be a little child, but I still will run to my bed as fast as I can after flicking the lights off. Anything scary I might've seen earlier that day comes to haunt me. Even as I'm on the bed, I still have to wait a few minutes for the panic and terror to subside.

Fear 2: Falling- You may have heard people say they're afraid of [Long pause in memory of my sister's pet mouse that we buried just now] heights, or heard them say this but just assumed they were talking about a fear of heights. This is not the case. Fear of heights and fear of falling are very different. I am perfectly fine in high places, as long as I am certain I am safe. A little odd for a person who wants to die to be worried about, but meh. No, I am afraid of falling from those high places. This inhibits me from certain roller coasters. It also doesn't mix well with suicidal thoughts. Ever think about wanting to die and being somewhere high up, only to realize that if you got over your fear of falling, you'd be able to? It's very frustrating.

Fear 3: Killing Someone- I'm positive that few people besides me actually have this fear. I have nightmares about murdering people, it's not normal. Any time I showed aggression for a long time, I would be treated like an animal, something dangerous. I won't pretend like I was a victim. Rather, I was the bully. I attacked multiple other children out of a sense of over-excitement (read: did it for fun) or just the slightest hint of anger. This anti-aggression training method left me with a lingering sense of fear of hurting another person. Weird for a five-foot-seven kid weighing in at about 130 lbs, right? Not to me. I was that odd kid who growled and hissed at anyone who pissed me off. I'm also the biggest abuser of curse words.

Fear 4: Trapped, Imprisoned, or locked in anywhere with no control- Escape rooms are fun, but only because I can do just that: escape. This fear also has origins in the whole caged-animal thing as a kid. Lock me up anywhere I don't want to be, and I go ballistic. Once, my brother and I were arguing while the rest of our family wasn't home, and he ran upstairs, locked the door, and wouldn't let me go upstairs. This doesn't seem like a big deal probably. I still had the entire bottom floor of the house to myself. That didn't matter. I was locked and kept from somewhere, with no way out. I'm not allowed to leave my house without telling my parents, and my brother and I shared a home phone at the time, which he had upstairs. I felt trapped. This ended up with me screaming myself hoarse for what felt like hours, trying to break down the door keeping me downstairs. I tried to control myself by locking me in a bathroom, but I just screamed more. Eventually, my brother opened the door, but with his aluminum baseball bat in hand. There was a stare down, and he ended up getting in more trouble than me for pulling a weapon. This memory sticks with me because of that stare down. He was terrified by me. I was terrified by him. He was ready to kill me to protect himself if he had to.

Fear 5: Being alone or abandoned- A common fear. Also another reason why I fear the wee hours of the night. Alone time truly sucks. Thoughts like to creep in when I'm alone. Alone means having no friends, something I haven't felt since fourth grade. The abandonment fear focuses on being abandoned by family and friends. Friends because of my violent, moody, cruel, depressing self. Family because of that and another reason. It is no secret that I am bisexual. My parents hate it. I have dealt with two tag-teamed family conversations about it. My parents will push and push until I break down and lie, agreeing that I'm straight. Recently I had another talk, this time with just my mum. It started on why I shouldn't cut my hair short- an already strained topic- and ended with her asking me if I 'still thought I liked girls' as I walked down the stairs. At first, I avoided the topic altogether, until she forced me back up the stairs into a talk. It ended with a 'the longer you wait to figure it out (whether or not you're strait- which you are- the more you hurt people, including me'. So I figure, if she decides I've hurt her too much at some point, I'll be disowned and thrown out to fend for myself. That day will most likely come if I ever bring home a girlfriend. There's a reason I get nervous talking about my love life with my parents. It doesn't help that my bro has a girlfriend that my parents are perfectly fine with, and he's a year younger than me. That got off-track real quick.

Fear 6: Having my secrets exposed- Doesn't quite make sense, considering I'm writing it all down for the eyes to see, but hey, talking sometimes helps? Idk. It would be awful if I ever had to look my parents in the eyes and tell them I'm depressed and/or suicidal. They would probably play it off as mood swings, and who knows, maybe they are. Hell if I know. All I want is to just know what the fuck is wrong with me, and if I can fix it without telling people. I usually use humor to hide my shit for new people, but older friends can see past that. I find it odd that my school friends I've know for at least 6 months and have been close with know at least some of my issues, but I haven't told my friend of 6 years that I'm suicidal. She knows I am semi-depressed at least. My parents don't even know that much. There have been tons of close calls where I almost spilled my guts though. Pausing too long over the phone when mum asked if I was cutting or lying flat-out on a depression test, doesn't matter. I would die before telling anybody I've self-harmed (besides the one that knows) or that I read very depressed shit.

Fear 7: Burning to death- I've heard it's one of the worst ways to die, so I don't want to become a firefighter if I grow up.

Fear 8: Car Crashes- I hate thinking about them, but pretty much every car ride reminds me of it. It's really not about me dying in one. More that one of my family members would go down with me.

Fear 9: Murderers and Rapists- Pretty self-explanatory.

Fear 10: Heart Attacks- No clue how to explain this one. I just wouldn't want to be the one to get a heart attack or be the one to help a heart attack victim.

And that's the top ten. If you've stayed this long, let me just say thanks for reading and boy, do you have a long ride ahead of you. This is 10 out of 23. That's right, I'm afraid of at least 23 things. This is a minimal estimate. There are probably more that I haven't thought of. I'm gonna cut this off for the night, however, because I am grounded and therefore not allowed to used this computer. Being caught would be fear #6. Thanks for reading, until next time.

PS: Should I upload the book I've been writing to this account? Dammit, just realized that unless I finish my book soon, I can't die in May like I've been planning. Fuck. Anyway, original question still stands.

PPS: Quick extra. If you're reading this, you're either police reading postmortem or a depressed shit like me. If you depressed or worse, or better, hit me up in my DMs. Doesn't matter if I'm shit, I will make sure you feel like the king or queen you are.