What is this?

Still here? Ok.

I was thinking of showing this to my new friends, but I don't think I will. They are only a year fresh. 

Back to last chapter. 

It was sort of on and off that year, 6th grade. I didn't get in any major trouble, like ISS, OSS, Meltdowns. It's funny. I thing I am one of the only kids able to say that I got an OSS in Kindergarten. I still wanted to die.

It has always been a game of What Am I?'

I was - and still am - curious by nature. I wondered what love felt like, if I had emotions. So, I tried dating. There was a horrid relationship with a boy the ear before, so I tried girls. 2, to be exact. They weren't much better. Mother, of course, found out, and was furious. She told me I was straight, always had been, and that was the end of it. I went along with it. I had no one else I could trust, but even she doesn't know what goes on in the deepest recesses of my mind. It would take a mind reader to have me spill that. I'm withholding details even now. It is just too personal.

7th grade now. Mum wanted to have me switch school districts again, but by that time, I had grown close to a number of people. I couldn't leave them for another unmapped place. I stayed a year longer. Thank god I did. Well, almost.

You see, it as one of the best and worst years of my life.

Dated again. This time it was guys. One boy I stood up for against a friend. I was an imbecile and didn't think. I just attacked. Got thrown in ISS and he dumped me. The next was was far better. He was sweet, but a tad innapropriate. Always flipping the bird. He was at the end of the year. The suicidal waves struck far worse this time. I used a small safety pin to tease at the skin of my shoulder. I was still weak at the time. I unconsciously knew that my shoulder would be my favorite place to scrape in later years. 

Now. Finally to this year's.

Brand new school. My 2nd middle school. I was frustrated and weird after the summer. Nobody knew me, I was forced to drift around for friends. None of them stuck. Lunch time was awful the first week. All the "friends" were guys, and the lunch room was segregated for the time being. I remember this ear better because it was more recent. My memory is terrible. 

Eventually, after much strife, I found a few groups. The first had many members who felt territorial and used the old bitch term. I'm still aggressive. I quit that group and found another. This one has been more permanent. There is Taylor, Rachel, James, Katy, Nicole, Ashlee, and a few other. Some were suspicious about me at first, but they eventually warmed up to my stupid, needy self. I found out that the pack leader, James, thought I was quite arrogant and annoying in the beginning. I added those to the list of foggy words in my mirror later. You don't know what that is, sorry.

Whenever I walk out of the shower, I write all the bad words that describe me. Each time the list grows longer.

Evil, Pathetic, Bitch, Slut, Whore, Freak,Wierdo, Arrogant, Annoying, Lazy, Retarded, Fat, Ugly, Dangerous, Cruel, Weak, Suicidal, Depressed, Stupid, Wannabe, Suck-Up. The list goes on and on and on. 

These words fill my head every time I try to sleep. Usually, I block them out, but other times, I just wanna die.

Heh. Funny. It's 1:30 now. Bet I won't have any problems sleeping. Have to wake up by at least 6. Orientation starts at 8 am. I've been productive for once. When you let someone talk about themself, they get so excited I can never stop. My mind just fixates on the subject and I don't even notice when people are listening. Once I do, I stop talking and just give in to the bad thought.

You know how all of those people say "Separate the bad thoughts and block them out"? How can you fucjing do that when the only thing you have heard is negative your entire life? I have been suicidal for three years now. I dunno if that means I am depressed as well. 

I think too much. I'm too smart for my own good.

Why am I like this?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QGTNMtyd3yg