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A Long Time Later

It's been about 6 months since the last chapter. I'm still suicidal, self harming, depressed, and mildly anxious. I tried killing myself one Tuesday last August. I skipped a band drill practice and spent my hour alone looking at my options. In the end, I swallowed 6 pills of Acetaminophen at one time, which can be fatal, at around midnight. Around 2 am, I chickened out and went to the bathroom and forced myself to throw it all up. I didn't let myself sleep until 4 am, making sure I wasn't going to die. I still regret not going through with it often. (Looking back: wow, repeat much?)

 I've been really clingy lately, and I think my friends hate me right now because of it. That Tuesday was only a week or so after my birthday party, where a couple of my friends and I roughhoused until I got a (flashback?) of me biting that person in 8th grade. I acted like a trapped animal. My friends blocked the door and tried to get me to sit still, but I ended up crawling to hide under a bed. One friend had to leave because she wasn't allowed to sleep over, and the other went into the bathroom to cry. I began to sob  under the bed, the first time I had cried in months. Eventually,I pulled myself together before I lost my best friend, and played some kind of sappy apology song because I had a hard time speaking from my emotions. I decided to write tonight because I've been feeling the same emotions.

 I wish I could stop talking, whining, and complaining. I'm in my freshman year of high school, trying to survive, so I immersed myself in extracurriculars. I'm in Marching Band, now concert band; Model UN and Drama Club, both of which have ended; Odyssey of the Mind; Winter Guard, which is the marching band color guard on its own; and Quiz Bowl, which I suck at. I actually just came back from a Guard practice. They're 3 hours long for 2 days a week, and I'm super sore. I'm not at all coordinated, so I have bruises everywhere and a really bad headache from two hits with my pole.I

I actually have already cried twice today, and I've been super frustrated and irritable lately. My friends are mad at the constant stream of curse words spewing from my mouth. The first crying fit was when I hit a weak spot in my back with my flagpole, causing a searing pain for about two minutes. The second was when  I got home and I realized that my Mum, Da, and brother had started watching a movie I was looking forward to all day, planning on it be just me and Mum snuggling. They played it off like it was no big deal, saying I could watch it tomorrow, but I had spent nearly half of my day alone, and I wanted my Mum, like any moody teenager.

I have school tomorrow, and it was a 3 day weekend, so I'm going to regret staying up this late. I wake up at 6 am, and I wake my brother, who has my old room (I sleep in a new room my dad made out of the playroom). It pisses me off that my door doesn't have a lock, so I can't lock my door when  I sleep, keeping my siblings from being arses and barging in, flicking on my lights.

In the friend category, this may sound stupid, but I've grown tired of being ignored. My friends know of my depression(which is really only mood swings that usually swing negatively 99.9% of the time) and basically do nothing. I know they are trying their hardest, but it's obvious that I am not important. I'm one of two depressed people in the group, but the other person is the one people focus on helping because she has been in the group longer and sometimes refuses to eat, catching everyone's attention. I'm always too hungry to not eat, even when I really don't feel like it. Not only that, but my mouth runs away with me, so everyone else is sick of hearing me complain about things happening. I can try shutting my trap, but it doesn't really do much good. I don't get noticed as being depressed because the only signs were way earlier, when I was open about it. My self harming got a lot worse to the point of me getting a mechanical pencil - sharpening the lead, and watching as it peeled off a layer of the skin on my arm, leaving bright pink track marks - and doing it in class. I eventually wasn't able to do it anymore because my skin didn't peel right anymore. Other than that, I hid behind a happy or angry facade. I let slip a few depression jokes as well.

It's late, and I should sleep. This device also needs to be charged. Goodbye.

(PS: I hate my English teacher and Jazz Band sucks)