What is this?

Hello again

Its been about... 4 months?  surprised I am still alive? Me too. I mean, I was close to dead. There was that one Tuesday. Ever heard the song Migraine by Twenty One Pilots? Every Day is my suicide day, but Tuesdays are the worst. I had it all planned out, I even skipped a marching band practice because if I didn't, then I wouldn't be able to steal the pills. I ended up taking them at midnight, then forcing them out of myself at one in the morning. I stupidly chickened out. There were 5 of them. I was worried for the rest of the week that I had liver damage. I didn't even allow myself to sleep until four in the morning. I was at one of my lowest points that week. Isolated and angry. I was writing songs. That Tuesday was literally 3 days after my birthday party. At it, I had a sort of panic attack, even though I doubt I have anxiety. I ended up underneath a bed, with one of my friends leaving and the other crying in the bathroom because she thought I didn't wnat to be her friend anymore, because I wouldn't tell her what was bothering me. I'm a rowdy person, so my friends and I had gotten into a little pla scuffle that went way too far, to the point of I want kicking my friend to make them get off me. I had hurt her. It made me feel awful/ I didn't talk too much to any of my friends after that. I was going to die at 14 years and 13 days old. I wish I didn't back out. If I was dead, it would be better than right now. Have I talked about my religion? I think I have. Short story: I'm not Christian. My parents made me go to church with them and my siblings this morning. My mom's birthday was yesterday. I forgot about it and didn't get her a present. The night before? I was at a football away game at my old hometown, where it rained nonstop and I yelled my music instead of playing my instrument. My voice is still sore. It feels like I haven't been very positive lately, but I don't deserve to be positive. I'm a creepy, freak of a girl who is too negative and fat. It hurts to say that, but it's true. I just need to die. It would be better than openly harming myself with a sharpened pencil in school hours. It feels amazing to scrape off your skin, feel the sharpened end dig in, watch if it goes deeper than usual and leaves a blood drp. It stings like mad afterwards, but it's worth it. Don't repeat e though. I feel like a lost cause, a long shot, don't even take this bet. Like a crazy, music and fandom obseesed periwinkle dust mop. Whoc an't spell or grammar right. Who can't explain what she means or feels because they don't make sense. ANd who the hell would read this angsty shit? It isn't even a story. It's just a car was with sand instead of water. Which only fricking makes sense to me. Gods dam it!!! Bye.