Hitman: Captured | #1 - HIATUS

► Chapter 18

Things were so much easier to deal with when I didn't have to think or feel. The Anxiolytics I'd take made me calm, my mind clear of any stress or concerns and the negative emotions were barely there unless someone was trying to upset me.

I can't entirely remember if I took them to escape the fact of how difficult my life was or if it's because it made me numb. I didn't have to feel anything; it was like I was floating in an ocean that took away everything trying to crush me all at once.

Except the moment I started to become clean of it, reality hit me hard and everything became so complicated to deal with. I used that drug as my only means of escape, I thought it was helping me, making things easier to handle when in reality I never bothered to actually do something about it. I was actually hurting myself all while my mother saw it as a benefit, she didn't try to help me and instead had me sink deeper.

Blue eyes stare intently at the white ceiling, a fan hangs at the near center of the room, circling slowly. I've been awake for a while now, not bothering to move until the unpleasant ache in my head stopped. The memories are coming to me in an agonizingly steady pace, flooding me with different emotions and at the same time I can't figure out how to react.

I should feel betrayed, sad—hell, even angry but I don't. Instead, I'm just so damn tired of all the lies, having to assume things all on my own, losing people I can trust, finding out the people I thought I know I don't know them at all.

And the one person I feel I can trust a little more than others keeps pushing me away, keeping the truth from me. Which frankly, I prefer the truth being kept from me than being lied to my face for eleven fucking years.

My mind grows muddled, scrunching my nose from the pain. Footsteps behind the door of the room reach my ear and I slowly lift myself leaning my back onto the large pillows. The room spins around me, increasing the sharp pains hitting the side of my head. I hate this part.

When the door is opened, my heart nearly jumps to my throat expecting it to me Neil only to see it's Alexei. A part of me is relieved and the other part of me is disappointed; nonetheless, I observe the doctor close the door behind him and sit at the edge of the bed. Olive green eyes stare at me intently, as if expecting me to say something.

"Matt," Alexei finally breaks the silence in a soft tone despite the deep Russian accent. "Do you remember what happened to you yesterday?"

Yesterday? Was I unconscious for that long? Frowning, I nod my head. "I had a seizure. It's not like it's the first time I had one."

"You've had seizures before?" Alexei questions with furrowed brows.

"Once or twice when I started the anxiety medication," I answer softly.

"Okay," The doctor nods. "I'm going to do a routine check to make sure you're fine. You haven't been taking your benzodiazepines like I told you."

I scoff at him, "I don't need it. I feel good without it." Blue eyes observe his movements, he pulls out a small flashlight from his breast pocket.

He shifts closer with a solemn look on his handsome face, "That's how people get heart attacks, Matt. When your doctor tells you to get stay on your medication there's usually a good reason for that."

"Where's Neil?" I change the conversation, flinching at the bright light over my eyes and obscuring my vision with different colors appearing around Alexei.

Alexei sighs at me, "He's talking to Dominik."

"Oh, you mean the one who works for Donovan Capro?" I retort sardonically, shoving the flashlight away from my face when it made my headache worse than it already is.