CHAPTER 19
I was once getting it all.
The fame.
The love.
The care.
The support.
Everything.
But I never wanted for it. I wanted more of hate to find myself.
And I had it. I had it with me.
I hates myself. And so, I found myself.
As a child, a girl, lady and a woman.
A mother.
But I never found myself as a lover. It wasn't for me, I thought.
It was the thing I never asked for.
I was not meant to love. But people kept on giving the feeling to me, despite of my coldness.
I don't deserve it, is all I can say.
Because I don't know how to love.
I mean it when I say, I love you.
But I don't know how to do it.
I have had those trauma, depression and anxiety I could not keep away.
Paano ko nga ba malalampasan ang mga ito?
Maybe when time is older, I could tell anyone how I survived. And maybe in that time, death won't come my way and everyone will say, I made it with you.
I am trying to remember exactly what was said on the program.
Nakita ko na lang si Clevi na nasa harapan. You should have seen him. He was bursting with joy.
At some point in my life, kung mawawala man ako, ang matatamis na ngiti ni Clevi ang lagi kong maaalala at nanaising balikan.
"No one ever knew who Lalie really is. Kahit kami, hindi namin siya gano'n kakilala. But as a matter of fact, wala kaming ibang gustong gawin kung hindi ang mamalagi sa tabi niya at mamb'wisit. 'Yon lang. Lalie! Mahal ka ni Clevirose!"
Sumunod naman si Malone.
His angelic face and evil personality is the most precious thing I know about him.
"Good evening, ladies. Kung ma-"
"Pare, walang gan'yanan!" sigaw ng kung sino mula sa likuran.
Nagsimula silang magtawanan at magbiruan nang mapagdesisyunan ni Malone na magsalita na ulit.
"Good evening, freaks! Kung mapapansin niyo si Lalie, hindi palakibo. Hindi rin niya hilig ang makihalubilo. Kahit sa amin minsan, kill joy 'yan. Pero 'pag 'yan, nalapitan mo sa isang madaliang pakiusap, tindi mo! Pero wala pang nakakagawa no'n, kaya, maligayang kaarawan, aming reyna."
He went down to kiss and hug me.
"Mahal kita," bulong niya na nagpatigil sa paggalaw ko.
He left me on that kind of situation where I can't still recover.
Natauhan lang ako noong nasa harapan na si ate Kres.
"Hey, everyone. I'm Kresianiella Ferreas-Dela Rosa, Carlisle Ferreas-Lucencia's- joke lang, amigas!" maarteng panimula niya.
"I don't know what to say, but I just wanna tell you that I'm so happy you lived and survived in this chaotic world we live in. I love you, lovely bitch!"
I'm so touched, Kresianiella. So touched.
"Doing this thing out of a meeting room is kinda awkward for-"
