Sometimes it is okay to feel nothing. That way you cannot be hurt, that way people cannot take advantage of you. Or so I thought. I completely backed away from the world and deprived myself of affection until I felt numb. When people started to show me attention, I craved it like a starving vampire. I took the chance and got hurt - my heart got ripped out and smashed into a wall, yet that wasn't what hurt. What hurt was the fact that I believed I could be loved, and those who promised that were the ones who cut open my heart. They just didn't care.
Or maybe I was never enough.
Maybe I wasn't a good enough friend. Partner. Lover. Worker. Parent. Child. Human.
Is it still numbness if it it hurts. Does numb allow despair.
How does it all work. It's like a confusing cloud over my brain.
I can't figure out what I feel, or even if I feel... anything.
It's weird.
But it's nothing new.
YOU ARE READING
Moments of despair
Historia Corta- How do you save a person that doesn't want to be saved? - A diary of thoughts that have followed me through my worst mental health days. Not everything can be perfect, and sometimes feelings of "giving up" arise within me.
