How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

17.

Yeah... option B was the best probable idea. And seeing as it would be just completely nonsensical for me to go home now, I choose to go to Amsterdam. It was just the random first place that popped into my head. Plus, I've always wanted to visit it at some point, so why not make that now.

"Amsterdam." I finally tell the desk attendant.

"Well," he starts, "we got one plane leaving at ten o'clock this morning."

"I'll take it," I say with absolutely no hesitation.

He types for a few seconds, his fingers making clicking noises across the keyboard.

We set everything up and I pay for my ticket. I feel that I should have been more conscious of how much I was paying, but it really wasn't a priority for me, I just wanted to get out of here.

My boarding pass prints and the man hands me it.

Before I have time to turn and leave, I hear the man say something.

"Whatever compelled you to be here at two in the morning, and buy a ticket to Amsterdam, must have really put you off. A boy maybe... People don't do what you're doing unless they're running away from someone." his accent was still as thick as it was when our conversation began.

He's reading your mind...

He was right, but maybe not in the way he thought.

Yes, I'm running away from a boy! And despite what he might think, Jack was one of the nicest people I've ever met.

"Well enjoy your trip, miss." the man says.

I don't say anything, but I acknowledge him and I give him a smile briefly.

I'm walking down towards the non-existent security line and I pass right through in a matter of minutes.

This moment felt so familiar, but I was completely lost in a place that was supposed to send me on an adventure. Not only that I was all alone.

And I missed my family, my brother, my mother. It had only been a few days, but I don't think I had ever gone so long without talking to them.

For the first time since I had left home, I pulled out my cellphone, so that I could try and write them an email. Calling them probably wouldn't go over well with the difference in time and the fact that they are probably falling asleep. I didn't really want to bother them.

So, how do you start it?

Dear family,...

No, maybe just address it to Flint.

My mother had most likely been freaking out since the day I left. She hadn't called the cops or international boarder affairs, if that's a thing that exists, so she must not be as paranoid as I thought she was.

Flint was probably keeping her sane, so this email would hopefully allow her to tolerate my absence.

Dear Flint,...

No, that's still not it.

So Flint,

I hope you're still alive, seeing that I know exactly how mom would be reacting right now. I guess I should say I'm sorry about all of this. Well, let her know that I'm okay. I've spent the last few days on the west coast of Ireland and It's one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. My journey isn't over yet. I'm heading off to Amsterdam and I'm not sure for how long, but I promise that I'll come home eventually.

Until then, just make sure mom doesn't go bananas.

XOXO... Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know who it's from.

Love you.

And off it goes across the internet, all the way to Canada.

Don't blame me for not mentioning all that other stuff.

Jack wasn't stuff and I knew I shouldn't categorize him as such, but what would I have said otherwise?

How would I have told them about him? That I stayed with a stranger, well not entirely, but we didn't really know each other. He was nice and all, but those last few moments we shared shredded my reality.

If I would have just given in to the tension pulling us together, it could have been so different. Maybe we would have been the starcrossed lovers who really do get the happily ever after. Then again, Romeo and Juliet never do get the perfect ending and neither do we.

Jack deserves a life without me. I'm not the one for him and I wasn't ready to take him away from someone I knew could love him better than I ever could. I don't care that I only observed for such a short time, but Aileen is able to be there for him. She's always been there for him. I'm almost no one, at least no one who was of importance.

Stop it! Claire, you know you're about to breakdown in the middle of an airport!

I couldn't argue with myself. My cheeks felt red and ready for what could have been a waterfall, but my mind convinced me to keep it all hidden and consequently my heart was closer to ripping apart then it had ever been in the last few years.

Around a half hour, before the flight would take off, I got to go and take my seat, and the plane steadily filled up, as did the airport.

It was lucky that I got a window seat.

My thoughts bombarded my mind, from the smallest of regret to the biggest feeling of hope.

What could you possibly be hoping for?

I knew exactly what I was hoping for, I just couldn't let myself say it out loud. I didn't want to admit to myself what I could feel deep down.

Come on Claire! Just say it!

I regretted. Regretted my decision, but I couldn't go back now. It's too late.

Now, I will have to live with this for the rest of my life.

And that hope, I hoped that this wouldn't be the end of our line. The one that once knotted our paths together.

Mine and Jack's.