How Far Are You Willing to Go?

Chapter 4- He's really gone...

They were at the beach for hours before Jay finally offered to take Ryan home because it was clear Tod was nowhere near ready to leave. Jay stopped at his house and sighed hugging Ryan before he got out of the car. Once Ryan had come in he was met by his mother in the kitchen asking if he’d eaten anything to which he replied no. His mother immediately starting cooking what looked like a gourmet meal. Man I miss eating, it was probably the best part of living. No matter the emotion I could eat, it was one of my only talents.

“I’m gonna go take a shower before dinner.” Ryan excused to get out of a conversation with his mom who could clearly tell he was in an iffy mood. He was in the shower for a long time perhaps clearing his thoughts. I wish I could know what he was thinking. I had so many unanswered questions. Did he keep track of my social media? Did he talk to anyone else about me or was it just Jay? Out of all of the people I’ve seen him with Jay is the one he seems to trust the most.

By the time dinner was ready Ryan had been out of the shower for not but a few minutes. He put on a pair of basketball shorts and a white t-shirt. Somehow he managed to make it look amazing. I just keep thinking about what it would be like to fall asleep next to him in his basketball shorts. I wonder if he ever thought about me like this.

Ryan didn’t really seem hungry, I guess he and I didn’t share the trait of eating despite emotions. I wish he would eat, it’s unhealthy for him not to. The conversation that followed was the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen. His mother could only seem to ask about the beach and girls. Ryan silenced the table when he yelled “Damn it mom I don’t care about any girls okay! I’m not even sure if I like girls. I’m not sure about anything, I don’t know what I’m feeling. Nobody offered any goats so you don’t need to worry.” Nobody moved to speak. “I’m not hungry. I’m gonna go to bed.” Ryan stood up and went upstairs to his room.

He went straight for his bed and started the staring at the ceiling routine. I was so worried about if he was okay that I didn’t have time to worry about the not being sure about his sexuality comment even though it was in the back of my mind. He got up and went to his laptop and began typing something. He pulled up Facebook and typed in the name James Reid. Why is he looking me up? He started looking at the photos, there wasn’t many because I hated my picture being taken. He stopped on a picture of two little boys. One of the boys was blonde giving off a toothy grin and the other had hair that was as black as a raven, it was us as children. This was the last picture we took before his dad died. I remember the day of his funeral, Ryan and I were in the back of the car with my parents. My mom had agreed to take Ryan to the funeral so his mother could arrive early to make sure everything was in order. We sat in the back of the car silent. After time I reached my hand to his trying to comfort him. I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t skip a beat when I felt him squeeze my hand. Even as 10 year olds he still made me feel so unexplainable.

He started crying laying his head on the desk. After about 30 minutes he lifted himself up and dragged himself to the bed. He stayed in the dark for what seemed like forever before there was a faint knock at the door followed by a soft call of his name. His mother walked in and just stood there. Ryan made eye contact with her for a minute before she came closer and sat on his bed before grabbing him and pulling him close. He let go of all of the tears inside of him as he began to sob. It was so hard to see him like this but I was glad to know he had his mom with him. She whispered assuring things into his ear about how it was all okay and that his sexuality isn’t something he had to figure out just yet.

It was then when I heard a faint “He’s gone, he’s really gone...” He sobbed, I concluded he was talking about me.

“I know baby.” His mother shushed him as she kissed his head. “Just remember he loved you.”