How Far Are You Willing to Go?

Chapter 8- Everything

…X…

***Ryan’s POV***

Laying on this bed in this abandoned beach house is scarier than I ever thought it would be. I thought I knew what I was getting into but do I really? I mean I could die entirely, but isn’t that what I wanted when I figured out we could do this? So many thoughts are racing through my head and I can tell the boys are freaking out. We barely made it out of the hospital without being caught and something happened to Jay that is a mystery to me. He looked so spooked I wonder what could’ve happened, should he really be the person killing me right now?

“Ry, it’s now or never.” The sound of Todd’s voice interrupted my thoughts. All I could do is exhale and nod. Whatever happens I have to see James. I can’t leave things like this, everything is unfinished. The last thing I see is Jay standing over me as Todd starts a timer.

“Ryan Mariano, are you fucking crazy?” Ahh the sound of James voice.

***James POV***

“Ryan, what the hell are you doing right now?”

“Don’t you know, aren’t you death stalking me?” Ryan questioned.

“I know what you’re doing I just want to know what part of your brain decided hey lets let my two bestfriends which are 16 and have no medical experience kill me!” I screamed. His looked down and then back up to me. “Do you people ever listen to Jay?” He shook his head no before grabbing my hands and holding them in his.  

“James I know, okay? I’m stupid and this is dangerous blah blah blah, but I had to. The last time we talked we confessed our freaking undying love for each other and you just expect me to leave it at that? You know me James I can’t do that.” He laughed softly and kissed me. “I don’t know how long we’ll have.”

“I know I was listening. Ryan, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

“Don’t say anything just come here.” He pulled me to the bed that in the real world he sat dead in. “I know this is kind of awkward because well my dead body is kinda here in reality but there’s something I want to do.” I immediately blushed because I knew what he meant. “I know we’re both virgins and I never really thought my first time would be in purgatory with a dead man, but I love you. If it’s not with you then I don’t want it to be with anyone. What do you think?” I truly didn’t know what to say I was speechless, I nodded and closed my eyes.

The next thing I know our hands are all over each other. We shared something that we never shared with anyone else. I thought that when he moved he’d forget me, but he never did. All that happened was he fell in love with me more. After we had finished we just stayed there laying in the bed cuddling. “I love you so fucking much.” I broke the silence with tears dripping down my face. “I love you so much it hurts but I need you to promise me something, okay?”

“Anything.” He smiled.

“You have to promise me that you won’t do this again. I know there’s enough in those bottles to do this quite a few more times.” All he could do is look down avoiding eye contact. “Ryan you heard Jay this is a onetime thing you can’t come back again it’s already bad on your heart that it’s happened twice in such a short amount of time. You can’t do this again it will kill you, if not the next time then the time after that. With every compression there is more stress being put on your heart no to mention the damage that could happen to your ribs. I know you’re planning to do this again but you can’t do this to your mom again. You can’t scare her again by coming up to you dead.”

“What if I did it somewhere else, somewhere where she wouldn’t find me? One more time won’t hurt me.” He argued.

“Ryan if you do that where nobody will find you then that one more time will be the last time because you would be dead.”

“Would that be so bad?”

I got out of bed pulling back on my clothes. “We talked about this Ryan. You don’t get to kill yourself. Just because I’m dead doesn’t mean you get to be too.”

“Why is that James?” He stood and began to dress as well. “Why is it you get to decide rather I live or die? Why do you get to condemn me to a live without you when it’s such an easy fix? It’s painless all I have to do is just take some pills and it’s all over with. James I can’t live without you.”

“You did it for years!” I screamed. Even I could feel the pain in my voice as his face dropped.

“If you call that living…” Ryan turned his back to me. “Do you think that I didn’t think about you every minute of every day? Day after day I sat at that stupid beach wishing that I could go back to that shitty little shed in your backyard and draw dogs with you. That shed, it meant everything to me, to us. That should’ve been where our first time was not some old abandoned beach house where I had to kill myself just to see you. It should’ve been there,” He gulped. “but that shed, like everything else, was taken from us. I was forced to move here to this place that has everything but what I want. Our anxiety took our friendship from us. Why couldn’t we just text each other? Was it really hard to do? Everything and I mean everything including your life was taken from us. How is it fair that some idiot can get drunk and you’re just gone? How is it fair that somebody else’s stupidity can take you away from me? I don’t want to live if it means that I have to live without you James.”

“Ryan you’re right about a few things I can’t lie to you. Yes everything has been taken from us. Yes it’s unfair that something so small that wasn’t even my mistake killed me but Ryan…baby I’m the one that’s gone not you. Don’t let another mistake take something from us. I know that it seems like it would be better to just end it all, like everything would fall into place but that isn’t how it works. There are people that love you people that count on you, people that value you. You make a difference in the life of everyone you speak to. Todd, you made him a better person by showing him that there is more to life than just girls. Jay you were there for, you gave him the strength to walk away from Cheryl when she begged him to take her back despite her betrayal. Your parents, every day you make them proud and happy, you show them that life is worth living. Ryan these are only a few of the people who need you. I love you so much and I wish I could be selfish and just keep you here, but I can't. I wish that it was as simple as it seems but it’s not. Your life is important and not just to me. You have to go back, you have to go back and make the world better. Promise you’ll go back, please because if you don’t I will never forgive myself.”

“James I-” I could tell he couldn’t breathe so I took him into my arms.

“Promise me.” I whispered squeezing him tighter.

“I promise…” He could barely get it out. We sat back down on the bed and held each other until it was time. I could hear the sound of Jay and Todd, Ryan could feel them reviving him. He kissed me one last time and with that, Ryan was gone.